A world not for me

Here I am again, staring at this screen... It's multi-coloured glory to those who are blessed or perhaps cursed to have it.

A screen that can show me all the wonders of this world, from the lush environments of greens, forests and everything inside and serene edges of blues, from the skies and the seas, to the people smiling and enjoying themselves, in an almost surreal fashion in those very environments, and yet it won't let me experience it myself. Why? I asked, to who? I couldn't tell you.

And almost as if mocking my question, it would tell me go out, see everything great for myself.

"Live life how you want to, to the fullest!" They said,

"It's so great out there!" they said,

But what if I can't?

What if I'm too scared?

What would even be the point of me being there?

Is there even a point to there being a 'here' and 'there'?

Why would a beautiful world like that, want me in it?

Out there... Nothing is rainbows and roses out there, it's terrifying, horrible, nothing wants me there. Nobody wants me there... I know that now.

So, I bring myself back in, back inside, even though I long to be out there, seeing greatness and grandeur for myself, I'd rather stay in here, where I know I'm wanted, where I want to be, where it's safe in-front this screen that shows me the world in all its glory, but I know now that the world...

It just wasn't for me...

...

...

...

...Though... Even so, I want to be there, I don't want to see this world through the lens of just some camera.

I want to go there myself, see those the things that people call great and tell myself that this place that I'm in is beautiful.

I want to go there myself, see those things people call mortifying and say to myself that this place is terrible.

I know for sure, that this world isn't perfect, heck, this world may even reject my existence as a whole but...

There are people out there, just waiting for me, waiting for me to break out, to greet them and say with my own words,

"Hey, how have you been?"

For them to say,

"I'm fine, thanks for asking."

I don't want to just be behind a screen of muddled fantasy, even if that muddled fantasy is what's protecting me from a potentially disgusting world.

I want to see it for myself, I want to do it for me, not for anyone else.

And I know that its selfish but I want to be able to see...

Those lush greens, those serene blues and stand in those places those people once stood.

I want to see it all, so then I thought to myself.

"Who's actually stopping me?"

Why am I so afraid? Who put those preconceptions in my head, if it's not actually that bad.

So then I stood up, stood up from that chair that moulded to my very body, stood up from that screen that held me so tight.

And walked away, away to that door, that door I thought was once impassible looked more like just an entryway, to something better, maybe something even worse, who knows?

Though, I won't find out if I sit still unmoving and I've mustered up to much courage to stop now,

So, world, if you decide to accept this, silly person who has no sense of self worth into yourself, I won't reject you anymore.

Let me be the best, that I could ever be and help me become what I've always wanted to be,

better.