A true love story always has bumps, realizations, and hard times
I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe
I have been sitting here for about 3 hours working on a story. I have started, restarted, deleted, and then started again. I have too many ideas I am attempting to put into one article when it is more.
I am sitting here, finally home, back on my mountain. Realizing how behind I have gotten on here, I indeed took a vacation. I barely wrote, read, or interacted.
The anxiety and stress of the green notifications on here and in my external life are too overwhelming to form coherent sentences. My garden is calling me today. I have so many weeds that it looks like a jungle.
I have new plantain blooms, tons of squash flowers, and new pineapple growth, and the beans have taken over the terrace! I have about 20 luffas growing and a new idea to make soap with the luffas — new plans for my garden.
I informed my boyfriend last night that I would like my life to be 100% related to my ability to grow a garden and be self-sustainable. Then I am crippled thinking, yes, I have new growth, which means the weeds have also taken over, and all of my tomato plants have been destroyed by something.
The plantain trees have blooms, but at least four need propped up with sticks, so they do not fall over. Then the daunting stress of figuring out how to get a visa weighed heavy on my mind; I have a call with my lawyer later today, hopefully with good news.
With that said, my travels were terrific. I realized what I wanted out of my life, and three weeks was too long to be away. I missed everything about my life here.
Traveling was smooth both ways, and the only issue I had arriving back in Colombia was that we had gotten so much rain that one of the roads had been blocked for months and the other closed yesterday, which required a bulldozer to clear the road for the bus to get through.
I live in rural Colombia with two ways in and out, and now one. I think there is another, but I am not sure. As of now, if the roads get blocked by storms, we have no way to leave. Yet that is the way of life here; you deal with it when it happens.
It was cleared quickly, and I made friends with a local farmer who sat next to me. He told me all about what he grows, his Finca, and some gardening tips! I am grateful that my Spanish is improving and I can speak to people, I still have trouble with some words and accents, but with time I will become fluent.
Before I left, I questioned my decision to stay and live here. I wondered if I should return to being nomadic, traveling, and living out of my suitcase. I can tell you that sometimes to figure out what you want in life, the best way is to experience it.
When I was home, the last thing I wanted to do was travel. So I went to two places, Tennessee and Mass. One for vacation with my family. The other I stayed with my sister, and came back home.
I know everyone was disappointed as I had friends who wanted me to visit like I normally do. Usually, I will drop everything, fly around the country, and see them all.
Last year I spent four months visiting five family members and two friends. It was exhausting. As much as I love them all, I put myself first this year. I did what I energetically could do, and that was all.
My form of self-care and boundaries. For years been flying around to see them all. They tend to forget that I, too, have a life and now a home. I have invited them all here to visit me; I can guarantee that none of them will, yet they still expect me to go there.
I will not go home again until next year, hopefully with my boyfriend. I also had a reset about that; I am not good at relationships and very good at pushing people away.
I have been sober for over two years. I have been working on how to have a relationship with someone else and myself. In particular, how I am in a relationship. I can tell you I struggle being in one; being single is more effortless. You need to choose your battles when in a relationship, and sacrifices will be made on both sides.
I have trouble seeing this sometimes because I have been single for so long and can be very stubborn. I believe in the yin and the yang of most things, the inter balance and harmony of receiving and giving. I do not always practice what I preach, but getting away and reflecting on my life was the best thing for my relationship.
I will take without giving, unintentionally. I think I am giving, but if you are giving and your partner feels differently, maybe they are not receiving because it is not their love language how they feel appreciated. I want to be understood, and I want my partner to understand me.
Yet, both of us will have to learn from each other, and I can tell you an intercultural- language barrier relationship, adds a whole new level to the concept of understanding your partner.
I often only think about what I want, and if the other person does not like it, they should leave instead of thinking about how we can come to a balance where we both are receiving what we need to thrive together.
It can not all be one-sided. For many years, I gave too much in relationships; when I decided I would not be in one, I stopped. I stopped giving; I stopped trying. Then when I met someone worth it, I took it because I thought, why not?
I gave for so long that I deserve it. That was a bullshit lie, and I had people in my life who were feeding my delusion. I was up and down daily, but only because I allowed others to infiltrate my brain. As strong-willed as I am, when the toxic thoughts enter, they eat away and will turn you against yourself.
It has been a repeating pattern in my life. Luckily I stepped back, saw the light, and refocused my energy. I thought about what I wanted, including my partner, not just what I wanted.
We are a team; if the dynamic is off, it will not work, and I thought he was to blame for so long. Yet he was not; I was unstable and changing my mind, allowing those around me to influence me.
My boyfriend has always been the steady rock in this relationship, balanced and stable. He is a Libra, after all. He knows what he wants and does not waiver. I know I drive him crazy at times, and he deals with it his way. I thought he had to deal with it my way, but I was wrong.
I have to respect that he has never failed to show me who he is since the moment I met him. He loves me as I am, even though we are so different. I, too, loved him from the moment I saw him; before we spoke, our souls knew each other.
When he sat down next to me, the first thing I thought was I am never leaving this town. That was over a year ago, and I still feel the same way. He has never failed to show up and be there for me when I need him through all our ups and downs.
Relationships are hard. The one with yourself and with others. My focus at this point in my life is not to see as much of the world as possible. It is not to earn as much money as possible. It is simple. To create and build a life here with my little family, which will include a lot of baby animals, gardening, and learning to live harmoniously with another person without trying to push him away and break the cycle of familiarity.
You attract what you are; energy does not lie.
Originally posted here.
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