A Little Late Is Better
The morning surges on, and the afternoon drags through until the sun gives in and the moon says its most ignored "hello." So many of us forget to look up, every day, in awe of how lovely this routine built around us is. We are consumed by our mundane struggles and schedules. Constantly gasping for air in panic and driven by stress, because of what value are we're if not overworked and malnourished?
My own sense of self has been lost on this road to I don't even what it is anymore. It's been leading to absolute nothingness as of late. It wasn't until the passing of my beloved cat that the ache in my heart awoke something in me again. I hadn't realized just how much of myself I had lost when he left. I found him at two weeks old, a tiny, vulnerable and innocent kitten that provided me with so much purpose and love. My love for animals has always been prevalent, but my bond with Bruce was truly Heaven sent. Always by my side as I wrote my stories, painted my portraits, drew my pictures, worked on my assignments, cried over my broken heart, laughed with friends, slept, couldn't sleep, and every time I moved homes. My little angel, my best friend. While I still can't bring myself to look at my self portrait of us together in black and white with colors dripping around us (I have to interrupt myself to say that coincidentally a John Mayer music video is playing and a black cat walked across the screen when I looked up) I am able to look at photos of him and smile.
When I was in high school, LiveJournal was my outlet. I don't necessarily remember what I wrote about, but it was most likely the more trivial, superficial aspects of life going on at the moment. Much like what people do with social media now, posting the niceties of life. As I entered college, I revisited the site, and began to use the journal for personal journaling. I was working with my grandmother at her bookkeeping office, and found myself with a lot of spare time. My grandmother now has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember working together, but I bring it up to her every day, along with how much I love her. Sitting next to her every day, reliving fond times with her is what I find solace in now. Life is so fleeting, and our purpose is as well. Whom we nurture, what drives us, it all ebbs and flows throughout our lives. This doesn't replace how much I miss Bruce when I come home. Pain doesn't replace pain. It's all painful and it's all difficult to endure, but there is always something lovely in all of these situations. I consider myself lucky to love to such depths that it hurts this deeply.
I wanted to once again visit LiveJournal, but it's now owned by some entities I don't quite trust. It's rather unfortunate but I suppose also humorous that the universe pushed me away from going back there again. I'm a creature of habit and definite nostalgia, so I tend to run backwards quite a lot if I can help it.
Surreal photography is something I began pursuing right before these tragedies. I wanted Bruce at the forefront of these pictures, and I was saving up for a new camera. Some friends and family offered to model for me, and I came up with a few concepts for my shoots. I was inspired to follow this endeavor, mainly to photograph wildlife to raise awareness for them. My main drive for all of this is always to help the Earth and its creatures. The world stopped for me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to cope with my grandmother becoming ill and my best friend gone from my home. Becoming overwhelmed brought me here, to write something.