A Growth Story

4/18/2020

Umm… Hello. I’m a little nervous about this- but I guess I’m a little nervous about everything right now. The world has turned upside down and honestly… I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. I’ve been home for a couple of weeks now and… to maintain my sanity, I’ve decided to talk to you; as if you’re a real person. My best friend. I mean… you are an extension of me. For this to work, I’ll have to be brutally honest with myself, or with you rather (take some of the pressure off). All of my doubts, fears, creative energy and moments of happiness will go here. To you, my little black book. It felt natural to pick you up when I saw you in the store the other day. Lucky thing too, because I’ll be spending a lot more time at home for a while. So here goes: Day 1.

4/19/2020

I am an addict. (Group: “Hi addict.”) An addict trying to get clean. My drug of choice: Social Media. Ever notice how you could be in the middle of doing something important, then your thumb just gravitates to the Instagram icon? It’s pretty disturbing actually. Also, this lockdown stuff is no joke. I’m just happy we’re getting it together and finally following protocol. I can actually find toilet paper again. I was driving across town for weeks. Being home for all this time has made me realize that I should be doing more with my time. I’ll go mad sitting alone watching the news. Now’s a good time to double down and write my screenplay.

4/20/2020

I’m feeling really motivated! I woke up offline and jumped straight into my workout, made my protein shake and hit the shower. I read somewhere that having a routine keeps you focused. As I’m getting ready to write, I found myself thinking back to the days when Italy was getting the worst of it. I can vividly remember seeing my father’s terrified face as the numbers kept rising. Most of my peers don’t watch the news. I can only imagine what they must be going through now that it’s here. Those of us who were watching really got the heads up.

It’s been a month since I’ve seen him now…

4/22/2020

I CAN EXPLAIN! I know, I wasn’t here yesterday because I was outlining. Ideas just came flooding in, so I skipped my routine and got straight to it. I don’t even know if I ate anything. I’ve officially become a starving artist! I made sure to venture out to the grocery store this morning, don’t worry. I’m thinking cooking should be added to the whole, “focus on me thing” that I got going on.

I called my dad yesterday and they’re hanging in over there. It’s good that they have each other. And I have you. Yours truly, the little brown person with a little black book.

4/23/2020

Okay, so, it’s gonna look like I cheated but I didn’t, I swear. I can’t help that my friends are on socials. I’m no longer on the stuff, but that doesn’t mean I can’t live vicariously through them. Banana bread! That’s the new thing now, I guess. Paula’s been telling me to keep my old bananas. When we FaceTimed this morning, she told me they were ready. It’s in the oven as we speak. You should be proud of me; I’m sticking to my routine and successfully added cooking to it! I’ve also been taking bike rides and early morning walks to get some fresh air. After breakfast I’ll get back to my screenplay (working title).

5/1/2020

I thought all payments would be suspended… how am I expected to pay this? I’ve spent the last few days scouring the internet to find assistance. Nothing. It’s the first of the month and I haven’t been making any money. The hotel put me on leave until they open back up, but that could be months from now. How am I gonna make rent?? My stipend is up and it’s not like I can ask anyone else for some. What ever happened to those stimulus checks that were supposed to be coming out? I guess that’s what I’ll be looking up today… I wanted to work on my screenplay. (Which I’ll probably be starting over.)

Oh yeah, and the banana bread sucked.

5/2/2020

I fell off the wagon. But for a good cause. It helped me find some Social Service place, but the lines were ridiculously long. By the time I made it to the front, they sent us all home. My dad had to help me out for the month. He said “that’s what parents are for,” but I’ll feel awful about that until I can pay him back. Brutally honest time: I continued scrolling after I found what I needed, and I’m disgusted. How are all of these people still able to get away with throwing parties and gathering while people like me are couped up inside?! Do they not see the numbers?! I’m terrified to even go to the grocery store and they’re out there just making it worse for all of us.

On my way home I stopped and picked up more books. I have a feeling this one will fill out fast and knowing how many people aren’t taking this seriously makes me even more nervous to leave the house. As you know, when I was baking my second round of bread, I accidentally spilled a bunch of cinnamon and flour in your pages. I even got some coffee on you that one time. (My bad.) But your hard, vinyl covers are so durable, I knew you were a keeper. Ha. I’ve seriously never had a friend as sturdy as you, lol. I read that Moleskine’s have been used by artists and thinkers over the past two centuries: like Van Gogh, Picasso, and Hemingway. I’m hoping some of that rubs off on me. I found this competition that’s offering a real opportunity to produce my first short with a $20,000 grand prize! I’ll need all the help I can get!

5/10/2020

Why is it that people who look like me are the ones dying from this thing at the most alarming rates? It’s getting harder and harder to stick to this happy routine. I’m afraid. I don’t feel like getting out of bed today. With every move I can become infected. I’ve been sitting in the heat because my apartment uses centralized air and my neighbor three doors down has it. He actually has it. What if I’m next? I could die. Or I could accidentally kill someone else by giving it to them. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to write… I just want to stay under the covers where it’s safe.

5/12/2020

Mr. Johnson’s wife was admitted to the hospital this morning. He didn’t even know he gave it to her…

5/17/2020

She’s coming home! Finally, good news. Oh, thank God! It was touch and go for a while there but, she’s expected to be okay. I heard on the news today that we don’t need to fear our centralized AC, so I’m officially back in the breeze. Maybe things are looking up. I think I’m going to go write today. Oh, thank God.

5/25/2020

Staying off of social media makes me feel bad… but using it makes me feel even worse. I’m at a loss for words. I’ve been scrolling for the past few days and it’s kept me away from you. A man was murdered today. In front of a crowd of people and nothing happened. He just… died. We keep dying. We are ALL trying to stay alive… but we keep dying. The deadline is approaching for that competition’s application… but how can I write in a time like this? I guess I’ll have to direct my pain into my work.

6/2/2020

The current America’s not feeling like my America. This all feels like an awful nightmare that just keeps getting worse and worse. I can’t even go see my therapist with all that’s going on. There’s no zoom option because she doesn’t have access to WIFI since she’s moved back home to be with her family.

People are hurting… getting tear gassed… martial law is being discussed?? AND STILL they’re partying and posting. I’m starting to feel hopeless. The scary thing is… maybe my America has been the fantasy.

6/17/2020

I made the deadline to be in the $20,000 competition. But I’ve been in bed a lot lately. I have a little while to submit my work. I’ll start soon. Maybe tomorrow.

6/21/2020

I’ve been feeling kind of off lately.

6/28/2020

I was rushed to the hospital this afternoon. I knew something was up when I lost my taste, but I was feeling better yesterday. I’m scared that

7/7/2020

I was out for a few days. Finally getting my motor skills back… I’m really scared. My nurse is jotting this down for me before I’m moved into another new room. Haven’t seen anyone… today I’ll get to facetime for the first time. All the staff look exhausted; I’ve seen many crying (even throwing up) from all the devastation in the air.

My main caretaker, Roxanne, is worried about me. She knows I didn’t come in here with much hope. But how could I? I did everything right. I followed all the rules and still ended up here. It’s not fair. I don’t even know how I’ll pay for all of this. We have to go…

7/10/2020

I still haven’t gotten to speak to my family due to complications and scheduling. I want to go home.

7/12/2020

She’s not feeling up to chat today, but she’d want me to make a note for her. – Roxanne

7/14/2020

Today she’s going to need to go back on ventilation, but she got to smile to her family last night. – Roxanne

7/15/2020

Touch and go tonight. But she’s a trouper. - Roxanne

7/17/2020

She’s gonna make it. – Roxanne

7/31/2020

I wanted to wait to write to you myself since Roxanne was transferred to another unit. We’ve been through a lot in this place, but we’re both going to be okay. I’m

8/3/2020

Feeling more and more like myself as each day passes. Sorry, I must’ve fell asleep in that last entry… but I’m okay. The nurses think I’ll be able to go home in a few days and this’ll be just in time for the competition. After all that I’ve witnessed and experienced, I’ve decided to live. I’ve decided that it’s okay to feel the ways that I do and to recognize that everyday won’t be a perfect one. I’m all in this time.

10/23/2020

Hello there, my first little black book. I’ve been looking for you. I know it’s been a while, but I have been writing in your siblings until you were located. After the move, everything got pretty shuffled around. (I lost the apartment and am back home.) In your last free pages, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being a true friend in my darkest days and teaching me patience. Because of you, I have a routine and a place to be myself. Here I can watch myself grow and strategize all of my next moves. Writing has made such a huge impact on my life.

You’re talking to a filmmaker. Can you believe it? I won! In all that happened I didn’t have time to finish my screenplay, so I turned you in instead. I would have never had the confidence to do any of this without the perseverance found from writing in solitude. I’m taking the process day by day to decide the safest way to film when it’s all clear. I’m going for it. Thanks to you, I’ll be reentering society a better person. Thanks for always being there for me, see you tomorrow.

Yours Truly,

A little brown person with a little black book