5 Tips to Survive Living with Your Ex

Break ups are hard.

They're even harder when you're living together. My ex-fiancé and I were only a few months into a new lease when we called off our engagement and ended a 7+ year relationship.

In these hard economic times, breaking a lease seemed like an impossible expense. So... we decided to ride it out together. He was on the road a lot for work anyways, and we figured it was our best and most affordable option.

Over the last 7+ months, I've learned (the hard way) some tips and trick to survive cohabitation with an ex.

1. Don't Do It

First and foremost, don't live together post-breakup if you can swing it. Every small thing that may have bugged you a little bit when you were still together is amplified. Behaviors I found mildly annoying became glaring issues to me.

Our break up was about as amicable as it could be, but it was still a break up. Neither of you can be fully comfortable in a completely shared space. I can't imagine how difficult it would be if our decision to split hadn't been mutual.

2. Set Up Boundaries Right Away

Boundaries are important in any relationship, but it's crucial to set up those boundaries as soon as possible. Without them, you may find yourself slipping into old habits that made sense when you were together. Breaking up is hard enough, don't make yourself do it a second or third time just because you allowed yourself to get comfortable.

Everyone's boundaries may be different, but here's some examples:

• No sleeping in the bed together
• No physical intimacy
• Run errands separately
• When/If you start dating other people, don't bring guests to the house
• Don't flaunt any dates and/or new relationships
• Avoid doing activities together that played a big part in your relationship (i.e. cooking together, watching movies together, etc.)

3. Don't Talk Everything to Death

Yes, communication is important. You and your ex will need to talk about boundaries, expectations, etc... but not everything needs to be a large conversation.

Speaking from experience, just because oversharing worked for you in your relationship, does not mean it's going to help you through this trying time.

The number of times we had the same conversations, said the same apologies, expressed the same feelings, was astonishing (and exhausting). I believe that it was important to have those conversations for closure's sake, but it's now been nearly 8 months, and talking through the reasons we broke up isn't productive anymore.

4. Process Your Feelings on Your Own (Or with literally anyone else)

Another thing we struggled with was consistently placing our feelings about the break up and following events on the other person. At any given moment, our home could be filled with anger, sadness, guilt, or even longing.

After being in each other's lives for nearly 8 years, of course we feel comfortable with each other and lean on each other in times of extreme emotions, however, looking at one another for comfort during this time could cause a multitude of problems. For example, it may bring you closer together, and you may find yourself falling back into the relationship. Or - it could do the opposite and lead to hostility or resentment.

Now is the time to lean on your friends and family. Utilize the rest of your support system. I found myself venting to the same two or three friends that I knew I could count on. I called my mom a couple extra times a month, and I also continued with therapy. In a pinch, I reached for my journal.

5. Keep Shared Spaces Comfortable to Both of You

Fortunately for me, my ex travels for work. So, the first few months after the break up, he was out of town. This space allowed me to enjoy some alone time, establish a routine, and take down all of the lovey-dovey couple's stuff around the house.

Unfortunately for him, when he returned for the winter, the house no longer felt like his. I had done my best not to change too much, but he ultimately felt like a guest in his own home. Those feelings occasionally made him resentful, and it was hard for both of us to work through it.

While I'm not sure what I could've done better to keep "our" space to continue to be "ours", I do know that it would've been better for both of us, if he was able to feel like he still had a home while we finished out our lease.

Bonus Tip

Do what works for you and your ex. Do you need to set up two separate areas in the house that you can each retreat to and the other can't enter? Do you need to separate out your food, toiletries, etc. to avoid any hurt feelings regarding using the other's things? Do you need to set up a schedule so that each of you have a night alone in the house each week?

My recommendation would be for both of you to sit down separately and write out your boundaries and concerns. Once you have an idea of what you need, both of you can come together and find a middle ground that works for everyone. And be prepared to adjust as necessary.

It won't be easy, but I'm here with proof that it can be done. My ex will be moving out in about two weeks, and I am fairly confident we'll both survive to see the end of it.