4 reasons why men cheat, the last two are regrettable and regrettable

One of the most frequently mentioned issues for couples for many years is "extramarital affairs".

Vivian is a female executive of a foreign company. She had a bright job and a promising future.

After a few years of marriage, her husband had a successful career and earned a lot of money. For the sake of the family, Vivian gave up her job and became a full-time housewife.

Because of her work, her husband takes less and less care of the family, and at the same time, the birth of the child leaves Vivian no time to care.

Because life deviates from the ideal track, she needs to worry about trivial matters such as firewood, rice, oil and salt at home, and she has to take care of the children at all times.

It seems that there are endless things to do every day, and sometimes she is so tired that she wants to sleep while standing.

In the past, my husband would help with housework every night when he came home, but later, he would just lie on the sofa or go back to his room to work overtime.

At the beginning, Vivienne also understood that her husband was working hard, but the other party was less and less concerned about her efforts, and her attitude was not as good as before.

At the same time, as Vivian's figure went out of shape, the spots on her face increased, and her husband went out early and returned late.

Finally, while helping her husband pack, Vivian found other women's belongings, which shocked and saddened her.

However, in spite of her sadness, she did not choose a direct showdown, but chose to follow, collect evidence, and find her husband.

Although her husband uncharacteristically begged her for forgiveness, and said that he hoped that because the children were still young, they would not go to the point of divorce.

But only Vivienne knew that her marriage to her husband was dead in name only, and the relationship had long since broken down.

Coincidentally, the recent popular family dramas "The Temptation of Wife" and "Come on!" There are plots of divorce due to cheating in "Mom".

Indeed, cheating can be devastating for a marriage and a family can fall apart.

It is very common to attribute the ultimate damage of marriage to derailment.

But investigating the causes and consequences of its occurrence will reveal that the more terrifying harm is far more than that.

Satisfy momentary desires, abandon husband and wife kindness

Regarding the question at the beginning of Zhihu, there is a highly praised answer, saying that derailment is actually to solve problems other than derailment.

Today, cheating has less to do with love or sex, and more to do with "craving."

Some people cheat out of a desire for freshness and excitement, or even out of a desire to be noticed, to regain confidence, and to be needed.

And cheating is just a means, in order to solve the problem of "desire" other than cheating, it is the actions and negative expressions caused by other problems.

Whether it's the entrepreneur Gao Jiawei in "Wife's Choice" or "Come on!" Li Xiuping, the gold-medal lawyer in "Mom", is a momentary novelist who cheated on the young and beautiful opposite sex.

But they are all very good at calculating, and they will never choose to divorce.

In "The Wife's Choice" there is such a scene:

At the beginning of the story, husband Gao Jiawei asked his wife Fang Tang, who was about to be promoted, to resign and go home to be a full-time wife for the sake of his own career.

After discovering that the Gao family was derailed, Fang Tang did not make up his mind to divorce at the beginning, but also hoped to restore the broken family, and gave the Gao family a chance again and again.

But the Gao family turned a blind eye, and even wisely deceived each other between the mistress and his wife, and there was no sign of stopping and reforming.

Even when things were revealed later, he didn't want to repent, thinking about taking away the family's property, while trying to lock the sugar cube at home.

Whether it was before the derailment or after the derailment was discovered, he always chose the aspect that was beneficial to him, and there was no relationship between husband and wife to talk about.

Whether it is his wife or the mistress, he is in his plans, and once it damages his personal interests, he will force the other party to a dead end.

Ou Lijuan, a professor at National Taiwan University, once pointed out: "Marriage is a kind of restraint and commitment. When it is combined with kindness and righteousness, there is the best interaction between people."

If the husband and wife lack this kindness, then all the interaction of love and responsibility between the two parties will be gone.

Loss of trust and respect

A western philosopher once said that feelings without trust are like a car without gasoline, which can never go forward.

In the "Book of Changes", there is also a cloud in the Heng Gua "Preface Gua": "The way of husband and wife cannot be short-lived, so accept it for a long time. The constant person is long."

That is to say, the eternal way of husband and wife and family lies in mutual trust and respect.

"come on! Su Qing, a professional woman in Mom, originally had a job as a lawyer that was better than her husband Li Xiuping.

But in order to take care of the children and her husband's career, she quit her job to take care of the children full-time at home.

When Su Qing took care of the house, she found out that her husband Li Xiuping had cheated on her. She was sad and filed for divorce.

However, it coincides with the critical period of the younger son Xiaowen's further studies, and the eldest son burns the house because of depression.

So Li Xiuping refused to divorce Su Qing on the grounds of "thinking about the children".

But later, Li Xiuping went too far. Not only did he steal food outside, but he also blamed all the mistakes on Su Qing after the two children had problems.

Not only did he want to rob his son for property, but he also threatened to squeeze Su Qing, who had re-entered the workplace, from the industry, showing no respect at all.

In the beginning, Su Qing did not try to reconnect with Li Xiuping for the sake of his two sons.

She even pretended that nothing happened, and left the rest of the family to travel with Li Xiuping.

Just when Li Xiuping thought that his wife would forgive him, Su Qing could only confess that his feelings could not go back, and everything was just for the sake of the children.

It is said that deception and concealment are the biggest killers in marriage.

As everyone knows, after the deception, no matter how to repair it, it has left an indelible scar in the hearts of the two.

Trust and respect are the foundation of a marriage, and once lost, it will collapse.

No empathy, take it for granted

No matter what kind of relationship, the most fearful thing is to take everything for granted, especially in intimate relationships.

Like the beginning, Vivian's husband, from the previous day when he came home to do housework, to the later one, he didn't ask any questions.

There was even one time when Vivienne was washing a baby's diapers when the water in the kitchen boiled and asked him to turn off the fire.

In the end, he really just turned off the fire, didn't move any further, and didn't pour out the boiling water.

Before being caught cheating, such situations abound.

The husband came home like an outsider, and the wife seemed to have nothing to do with him after she was busy.

As a matter of course, I feel that the family is the wife's responsibility, and I can earn the money myself.

Even more like "Come on! Li Xiuping in "Mom" said that he cheated because his wife didn't understand him and didn't know how to share.

What they see is that they are working hard to earn money, but they do not think about the difficulty of empathizing with their wives.

Empathy can convey caring and can spark a spark of goodwill, tolerance, and generosity that will greatly strengthen marriage and family cohesion.

But most family therapists can attest that even couples who have been together the longest are often the most prone to the mistake of not empathizing.

Why is this happening? Sadly, it was the familiarity of the couple that led to this result.

Because the more time a couple spends together, the more confident they feel that they don't need to think too much about each other, which is one of the common mistakes in empathy.

Although they are very familiar with each other, it does not mean that either party has the ability to read the other's mind at any stage.

This unfounded confidence and taking for granted can be fatal to a relationship.

The goals of the three views are no longer consistent, and there is no desire to share

In a healthy, long-lasting relationship, "love" isn't really the most important thing.

We grew up being told that as long as we were in love, everything would work out, only to find out later that this was not the case.

In the early days of a relationship, we can share countless joys, romances, and passions, thinking we can overcome all odds.

But after countless times of running-in, they can't really exchange each other's three views and goals, and keep the same in different stages.

Because the values ​​and goals of the two people do not match, and some lifestyles and cultural habits are also different, love is consumed in the firewood, rice, oil and salt.

In the end, it is painfully hindsight, and only consistency can last for a long time.

Don't pay for a momentary passion, love alone is not enough, and in a marriage, no matter how strong the love is, it is not enough.

It is worth mentioning that most of the weakening of feelings, or even derailment and deterioration, all start from the loss of the desire to share.

The important thing for two people to be together is to share. In a relationship with a good relationship, you will not be able to restrain yourself from sharing with each other.

I want to tell the other person about anything I encounter, and then seriously reply to the trivial life shared by the other person one by one.

It's not to report each other's three meals a day and whereabouts, but to let each other participate in those lovely daily lives.

The reason is that we believe in each other's love and accompany us steadfastly and plainly, so that we can still join hands in the future after the great pain.