3 Useful Counselling Skills to Help Your Relationships

Counselling skills are what therapists use when working with a client. You may think that only counselors would have use for these skills but you would be wrong. Anybody can make use of these skills to improve their relationships, become better listeners, or be more of a support to their friends and family.

1. Providing Empathy

The word empathy is often confused with sympathy. Many think that they are the same thing but in fact they are not. Sympathy is feeling compassion for another whereas empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of someone else. Giving someone sympathy isn't a bad thing but showing them empathy is much deeper. In counselling, there is a term called "empathic understanding." This refers to understanding someone's situation by providing them with empathy. Although you will never truly understand what someone is going through, providing empathy will give you a much better idea than if you just show them sympathy. People respond very well to empathy; after all, everyone likes to feel understood. When a loved one comes to you with a problem it can be easy to say "don't worry, everything will be fine!" But the fact is, in that moment, things aren't fine and they are worrying. Saying something like, "sounds like this is a very difficult situation for you," or, "I can see that this is really stressing you out," will not only validate what what they are feeling but show that you listening.

2. Listening to Understand, Not Listening to Respond

Think about what you do when you're listening to your friend tell you about their day. Are you listening to understand what they are saying or are you just waiting for a chance to jump in and talk about your own day? The majority of the time, when someone is talking to us we are listening to respond not listening to be understood. For everyday conversation this is fine because that's how a conversation goes, they say something then you say something. But when someone is coming to you with a problem try not to think about what you want to say. Ask questions about what they are going through by all means, but don't think about when you can start talking about that time you also had the same problem. You'd be surprised how much information you miss out on when you're listening to respond. Next time your friend is talking to you try focusing completely on them. Ask clarifying questions but don't talk about yourself at all. I can guarantee that the response from your friend will be a positive one.

3. Congruence (A.K.A. Honesty)

Lying is bad. We are taught that from a very early age and we all understand that it is better to be honest. Despite that fact, the average adult lies at least one time a day. Of course, most of these are seemingly harmless white lies. Lying is sometimes necessary, there is no doubt about that. However, when it comes to your relationships, honesty is most definitely a virtue. If your sister asks you if her dress suits her and you think it doesn't, then say so. You don't have to be mean about it, but she asked your opinion and you should give an honest one. Being congruent shows that you are trustworthy. If your loved ones know that you have a tendency to bend the truth, then they won't trust anything that comes out of your mouth, even when you are being honest. Everybody appreciates someone who is honest. So even if you think that by being congruent you will upset someone, as a general rule it is best to be honest.