3 Life Lessons I Learned From Losing Intimacy With Other Humans

It's been four hundred and twenty-five days since I've had sex.

Ouch.

Surprisingly, that crushing fact has little to do with COVID-19 and everything to do with my recent divorce. But I am so tired of talking about my divorce. I look back on the last time I made love to my ex-husband with contentedness; I made love to him because that's what I did,  I loved him. I am grateful for the excruciating life lessons from ending that nineteen-year experience, and I'm moving onward and upward. I've had four hundred and twenty-five days to ponder extensively about my life, its connections, and where to go from here. Where do I end up searching for answers when my heart is restless? The internet, of course. Colton Poore wrote a wizardly article on intimacy that compelled me to change my dismal approach to this piece completely:

"But cultivating intimacy is our chance to re-examine ourselves from the inside, using our own eyes. We can finally reclaim and reconnect to the power that we've hidden from ourselves because we've been taught to be ashamed of it. When one is truly intimate, they no longer fear themselves but live in awe of their potential." - Colton Poore

Select All. Delete. Start over. Sometimes, that's what life's all about.

#1. I will never take affection (or having sex) for granted again.

I miss hugging my kids and kissing their heads on any day that ends in "y." I miss lying in bed with someone and drinking multiple cups of coffee with them while we laughed and discussed what the day had in store for us. I miss flying a kite at the park with my intact family and feeling like I belonged somewhere. I miss knowing who I was going to grow old with. My relationship with my ex-husband may not have been healthy, but it was familiar. I miss that. I have a new appreciation for closeness. And although I won't be wearing my heart on my sleeve anymore, I will never take sharing a "moment" (or an orgasm) for granted again.

#2. Losing people helped me gain intimacy with myself again.

I was a people-pleaser; an over-extend-myself-until-I'm-exhausted-and-resentful type. I have learned the hard way that can only be sustainable for so long. My old life falling by the wayside forced me to consider myself for the first time in many years. What do I need? What do I want? Who am I? Who do I want to be? And how do I love myself again? There's a lot I can choose to do with my newfound me time. I recognize and appreciate the time and space to come up with the answers to those nagging questions. And for as long as I live, I will always choose gratitude.

#3. No matter what, I will be okay.

Between you, me, and the rest of the world, I am astounded at how resilient I've become. Losing my most precious connections hurts so bad. No one can hurt me anymore than I already do from their emptiness. I've never been in so much pain,  and I've never felt as strong as I do right now. I've never gone after what I want in life with so much tenacity, patience, and vigor. I can finally say with confidence that not only will I make it through (and out of) the weeds, but my kids will also be okay.

For the record, I'm not sure when I'll have sex again. It will happen in due time. I'm in no rush to be that vulnerable again. And I've learned that it's only when everything else is aligned within me that true intimacy takes place. In the meantime, I will keep learning about life, how to love myself, and that there's an enormous difference between being alone and being lonely.