An Open Letter To The Man I Married (and To The Man I Divorced) on Our Last Day as a Married Couple

Dear Dr. Jekyll,

I listened to our wedding song tonight.

Do you remember it?

"I can hear her heartbeat from a thousand miles

Yeah, the heaven's open every time she smiles

And when I come to her that's where I belong

Yeah, I'm running to her like a river's song

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love." -

- "Crazy Love" by  Van Morrison

I don't think I ever cried so hard in my life. And I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you.

I still do.

What happened to us? We were the perfect couple - remember?

I do.

I spent more than half of my life with you, and I am at a loss for words on how to say goodbye. You are ingrained in every part of my skin and bones. Where did the love go? Was it ever truly there? I feel genuine sorrow and despair about the way our relationship turned out in the end. And you know me well enough to know how authentic I am right now.

I had a dream last night we were making love again. It was passionate and sweet - all the things I thought you were for almost twenty years. I want to tell you that you were right,  we should have had more sex. And I should have been more affectionate. Remember how we couldn't keep our hands off of each other? I will never forget the intoxicating times we had being young and naked together.

I never wanted to hurt you; I never wanted you to hurt. But I realize now that you were wounded when I met you,  and so was I. From the very bottom of my heart and soul, I hope you'll be okay. Please take care of yourself and your mental health. I think we both owe it to our kids to do the best we can in every way possible.

There's one more thing I need to tell you before I go: That crazy love I had for you on our wedding day will never dissolve , but I will never trust you again.

I don't know what else to say. But I know there will be more letters like this.

Dear Mr. Hyde,

You selfish motherfucker, you broke my fucking heart.

How could you?!

Where's your conscience, your compassion, and your consideration for our two beautiful kids?

What?! You're polyamorous now - after almost twenty years of monogamy?! Wait - you want an open marriage while I stay home with the kids?!

Somethings not right here, and I'm going to tell you every single reason why I think so because I was afraid to do it before:

Why did you expect a "thank you" for not sleeping with your coworker on your business trip? More importantly, why did I genuinely feel relieved and considered myself lucky that you didn't,  so you say.

Do you remember what else you said that night?

"We (you and I) weren't in a good place…AND she wasn't ugly…."

LOL. Are you fucking kidding me right now?!

Wow. Just wow.

Remember all the times you slammed the door and locked me out of our bedroom? Our kids heard it all, asshole. Do you even care? Remember when you towered over me in our bedroom and wouldn't let me out until I confessed that I was cheating on you? And after things calmed down, I said, "You can never do that again," and you told me that your behavior was my fault. Remember that? I do. My heart is thumping clear out of my chest right now as I type this, just like it was that night. Why were you so cruel to me when all I did was love you down to your core? Why did you tell me that you "could do better" when I begged for mercy on our marriage and family?

Anyway, I hope you got your big slice of cake, and you're eating it now, too - motherfucker.

Love,

Your Crazy Ex-Boo