28 days after the break-up

I do not cry, because that is weak. That's something you will never hear me say. I have never seen showing raw emotions as weak. In fact, people who know me know that I do not hold my emotions in. Some people think it is too much, and that is totally okay.

Exposing yourself, admitting how you feel, letting down your shell, are in my eyes beautiful things, real things that give life meaning. Why should I pretend I have no feelings, nothing touches me and nothing interests me just to keep the honour to myself? (I find honour quite an embarrassing term, by the way.) By keeping the honour to yourself, not allowing people in and never giving in, you will build a gigantic wall around yourself that is quite difficult to tear down.

That is why I value honesty enormously. Not only does it make you who you are, it is also extremely useful in communication. Why make things unnecessarily difficult? So here comes my honesty.

A battle is raging between my brain and my heart again. My experiences with dating and men are not that spectacular, and add to that the fact that I have only had one relationship. Still, I know by now that a break-up is not a gradual process. Maybe for some, others like to dive into a mountain of alcohol or into bed with a new person. Fortunately, I am so good at listening to myself that I know in advance that such a thing is not a solution for me.

A few weeks ago I was experiencing a confused, dark day and a friend pointed this out to me again: "I don't know anyone who listens to her feelings better than you do." She was right. That is why I am doing this, I want to feel this. To make myself vulnerable. By opening up all my senses, I know that I will grow from this. Mentally I hope, physically I don't have to grow anymore.

That feeling is a thread in my life. I am a flutterer and a dreamer, often I don't even have a good reason why I am standing behind something, why I like someone, why I am in love or why I want to live somewhere. That is what I feel. I have always known that my feelings tell me a lot. My feelings know things before my brain does.

On the one hand, that's nice and on the other hand, it's tricky in this area. My gut knows that something is not right and that shines through in my life. But my gut doesn't tell me what I need. I have to find that out for myself.

I would be lying if I said this is an easy path. On Thursday you are still dancing through your house with a smile from ear to ear and on Saturday you are driving on a familiar road that brings up both memories and tears. The bizarre thing about the process of grief or loss is that it is not stable. Unpredictable. You don't know what's coming or how long it will go on.

Today is one of those days that I would rather forget. I feel exhausted. Both mentally and physically. I need to be touched. I want to lie in bed cuddling all day. I want to hear a soft voice that assures me that it will be alright. But there isn't one.

That's probably why it's so frightening. You don't have a safety net if things get a little worse. You are doing it alone. This is a path you have to walk by yourself, a struggle you face on your own. No matter how many times you want to give in, pick up the phone or wonder how the other person feels. Even though you know that the choice is well-founded, that it is better this way. Still, once in a while, doubt creeps into your mind. What if this is not right?

But there is a very simple answer to that: you will simply have to find out. And this is where the positive side of this process comes in. You will discover a new side of yourself that has been hidden for a long time, somewhere behind a figurative door. That door is still ajar, but it will not be long before it is wide open. A new side that learns to seek out and set boundaries. A new side that pushes away all your insecurities and makes way for a more confident version of yourself. A new side that makes you even more independent than you already were. A new side that will make you rely on yourself one hundred percent. A new side that knows itself better than anyone else. A new side that you will embrace.

Losing your love, your buddy and your support is not something you can just wave away, pretend doesn't exist. The pain is there. The loss is there. Your feelings are real. Your questions are realistic. But like everything else in your life, it goes on.

That's why I deal with everything. I feel everything. No matter how negative or positive it may be.

The most important thing is to be myself, to listen to my feelings and to be real. Because genuineness is the reason I got to know love. And that is also the reason I am going to find it again.