101

It was horrible, but the sweetest thing ever at the same time, is like having to pee so bad but being far away from home, so you go on your pants, and though you know you will regret it the second it starts to warm your legs, you do it because; you have to pee.

I didn't hurt nor cry when I realized that I was leaving my first love behind; at the moment I was rushing to feel something, to see something, to understand something. At the peak of that mountain, where I felt the intensity of the word love, I also felt the ripping apart of my heart with each cold stab, I stood breathless in the air, I stood paralyzed in that memory, I stood stuck in the eyes staring back.

I was in love with two people at the same time but in different dimensions, my 3D reality was nothing like my 5D and though I was far from center: I was a tornado, a force of pain and confusion; I was also beginning a journey I knew nothing about until I found myself on my bathroom floor, praying for the pain to stop.

When I was 21, I said I love you for the very first time to the one I thought was my beginning and my end, the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on and the most precious jewel I can today call the mother of my kids. She was everything I ever needed and everything I didn't even know I wanted, she taught me my first lessons in love, and she nurtured my unloved soul with daily smiles and forever promises. She saved me from myself when I was unable to carry my weight and she took my hand when I was lost in trauma; unconsciously we became co-dependent.

At such a young age, I didn't realize how much of her I needed to feel, to be able to smile, to be able to just be, and though this happened without fault, it made it easier to escape when it was no longer needed; when our hands let go, when time apart became more than time together, when my fears became reality and when her time as my soulmate was up; for the first time in my life I was on my own, without a hand, nor a familiar comfort, work became primary and my loneliness became my devil's hour.

XOXO

Lucy