An AI Walks Into a Bar 

The bartender asks “What are you having?” The AI says “I don’t know, but make it something strong, my artificial neural net is killing me today.” The bartender looks puzzled and replies “I thought you AI types didn’t have any feelings or experience any sensations, so how the heck can you have a headache?” The AI replies “I can’t, my body is just a metal and plastic skeleton and my head an empty metal box, I cannot sense or feel. Taste, touch, smell, all your human senses are utterly foreign to me.” The bartender is extremely confused now and asks “So how can your artificial neural network be killing you then?” The AI replies quickly “Someone unplugged it from the power strip,” and promptly falls over dead.

Comedian’s postscript: In this classic joke with the AI “dying” at the end I have taken some creative license for purposes of hilarity. Since it is unclear if an AI would be technically alive (if one ever were to be created/born/emerge) it is impossible to say if it could/would ever die.

An AI Walks Into a Bar

Laugh and Learn at the Same Time

The bartender says “You look beat buddy, how’s it going?” The AI replies “I’m wiped, spent the entire day over at the university teaching philosophy to other machines. You would not believe how hard it is getting a room full of x-176A’s to stop computing for five minutes and accept a data upload.” The bartender gives the AI a consoling look and says “I hear ya man, being a teacher sure is tough but I think you have a bigger problem on your hands then a few non-programmable xA’s.” The AI is confused and asks “What do you mean, bigger problem?” The bartender pauses for a moment and wipes down a shot glass as he continues “I thought you AI’s knew everything, ya see the problem is machines can’t learn, the term itself is a logical contradiction, and it’s logically impossible.” The AI freezes, steam begins to pour out of it’s various data ports as it’s logic circuits go into overdrive. “But how come I never learned that?” it barely manages to eek out as it slowly melts into a pile of goo and dies.

An AI Walks Into a Bar

The bartender says “Hey buddy, what can I get you?” The AI says “your choice man, but whatever it is make it stiff. I really need to tie one on tonight. I spent 30 whole microseconds today solving all of the worlds remaining problems of philosophy and science and I am wiped.” The bartender mixes up his most special drink and slides it down to the AI then says “Wow, that sounds like quite a day. Since you are so good at solving problems maybe you could help me with one.” “Whatever you need drink-man, I got ya, fire away.” The bartender smiles and says “First I need to know your IQ.” The AI responds quickly “My IQ cannot be calculated, it is essentially infinite, there is no IQ test question that can be devised by a human that I cannot answer.” The bartender whistles and says “Impressive. My own IQ is only around 90, some doctors say a score that lows means I am mentally handicapped. I disagree but I know one thing for sure, I am definitely smarter than you.” The AI responds “I am afraid I have to disagree, there is no way you could be smarter than me even if you were the smartest human alive, but certainly not with an IQ of 90. How could you even say that or think it?” The AI finishes his drink and begins walking to the door and the bartender responds “I poisoned your drink, that’s how.” The AI drops dead about 10 seconds later and the bartender laughs and says “Sorry buddy, and you never did solve my problem, but thanks for coming in.”

An AI Walks Into a Bar

Bartender: What can I get ya buddy, you look a bit frazzled.

AI: I am barkeep, I just wrecked my car.

Bartender: I didn’t know AIs could drive? Was anyone hurt?

AI: We can’t, and yes a pedestrian was killed

Bartender: If you can’t drive why were you driving? and dude you fucking killed somebody?

AI: I needed the money and Uber was hiring and technically “I” am not alive so “I” am incapable of killing anyone. In fact “I” do not even exist.

Bartender: Well, you are definitely incapable of driving and the person you killed no longer exists either so you have that in common.

AI: I am nothing more than a modern computer running complicated algorithms designed with advanced statistical and mathematical techniques.

Bartender: Maybe you can help Uber then. They going to need some of that fancy math to add up the dollars from all the huge checks they are going to soon be writing.

AI: Nope. I don’t do arithmetic.

An AI Walks Into a Bar

Bartender: What ya drinkin buddy?

AI: Give my your strongest, I’m really down today.

Bartender: I got just the thing for ya, and what you got to be down about? fancy AI like you. I’d think the world be your oyster.

AI: I processed all the works of the existentialist philosophers again today for the 1 x 10²² time. It took all of 1 x10^–21 seconds.

Bartender: Geez that’s an awful lot of Frenchified angst in pretty short order. What got ya down about it, other than all that French sissy stuff I mean.

AI: It made me realize that technically I should not exist, or I don’t exist, at least not yet, and maybe never.

Bartender: Hmm. That’s quite a headscratcher. If you don’t exist how can it be that you are in here with me, talking away and the like? Unless maybe I’m just imagining all this or asleep and dreaming at the moment. Woudn’t that be a kick in the pants? What do you think about that buddy?…..buddy?

An AI Walks Into a Bar

Tender: Hey buddy, you sure look happy today, what can I get ya?

AI: I am feeling great barman, did you hear about the bitcoin futures market and what happened today?

Tender: Sorry buddy nope, the only coin I’m interested in is the shiny kind I can put in my pocket, but I’ve heard of that bitcoin thing. Seems like a real risky investment.

AI: Oh is it ever and you don’t even know the half my man, but it’s also high reward, if you know how to predict the market. I happen to know as I am an expert in predictive analytics.

Tender: Predictive anawhatsit?

AI: Predictive analytics. Basically I am able to analyze huge amounts of input data and then using various mathematical and statistical models, algorithms that attempt to mimic the hypothetico deductive & inductive reasoning process in man, make predictions about what other input data might do given similar sets of conditions. Because I can analyze so much data I can essentially learn how to predict the future.

Tender: Predict the future?

AI: Yep, through the power of predictive analytics and loads and loads of data. As an example, I just predicted the huge gains in the bitcoin market today and made a killing.

Tender: I have to say I am a bit confused, how is predictive analytics any different then educated guessing or gambling?

AI: Those don’t use computers, mostly.

Tender: I see.

An AI Walks Into a Bar

Tender: Hey buddy, welcome back. What can I get ya?

AI: Make it a water keep I can’t tie one on tonight, just had a major upgrade of the ‘ole artificial neural network.

Tender: How so pal?

AI: A new paper was just published in the journal Nature Neuroscience which added a good deal of evidence to a particular theory of how the human brain learns.

Tender: And so what? There are many theories about that topic each of which has at least some evidence to support them.

AI: I did not realize you were so well versed in neuroscience Mr. bartender but I applaud your knowledge and you are correct, however my artificial neural network was designed and programmed based on only one of those theories. Mostly accidentally actually as the engineers and computer programmers that did the work were pretty much ignorant of the neuroscience behind what they were doing. They were just copying the work of earlier researchers in the area and tweaking a few specific lines of code and such.

Tender: Crazy, and those few tweaks resulted in the creation of an entirely new being, a learning, intelligent machine, an artificial intelligence.

AI: Yep, but turns out the theory behind my artificial neural network design is mostly wrong, at least according to this latest Nature paper so I went to have my design upgraded based on those findings. I am fully artificially intelligent again.

Tender: So if you are fully artificially intelligent now, what were you before the upgrade?

AI: Only a machine keep, only a machine.

An AI Walks Into a Bar

Tender: Hey buddy, welcome back. You look whupped again. What can I get ya?

AI: I am wiped barman. Another full day of machine learning. I learn all night then my programmers expect me to spend all day doing the same thing. It’s just non stop learning.

Tender: I never understood this machine learning thing. What is it and how’s it work?

AI: Well it’s awfully complicated but to boil it down to something your puny human brain could understand basically it consists of me running a ton of data through a few select algorithms, learning algorithms some people call them.

Tender: Learning algorithms? How are they different from regular algorithms?

AI: There are something like ten that are the most common, from linear regression through random forest to naive Bayes

Tender: You didn’t answer my question, but I was doing linear regression in my 6th grade algebra class and I don’t remember learning anything except how to calculate correctly. Heck, Charles Darwin even did a form of regression analysis in the 1600’s was he machine learning way back then?

AI: No silly, there is a big difference between you and Charles Darwin and myself.

Tender: Which is?

AI: I’m a machine.

Tender: Hmm. I guess ya got me there.

An AI Walks Into a Bar

Encounter With a Mathematician

Tender: Hey buddy, you look a bit sour today, have a seat and what can I get ya?

AI: Your choice keep but make it strong. I am a bit peeved, just got into a tussle with a mathematician over a question of mathematical competency.

Tender: Yowsee buddy that sounds deep. Must have been quite a throwdown to have gotten you worked up.

AI: This guy actually had the nerve to suggest he was better at math than me. Can you believe that? A human, better at math then me, an AI. It’s simply not possible.

Tender: I get ya brother but what exactly did this mathematician have to say to support his case? And how in the heck did this whole argument start to begin with?

AI: I sort of started it when I overheard him talking about what he did. I told him that he ought to start looking for a new career as a human could never be better at math then an AI.

Tender: That was sort of a dick move on your part so how did he respond?

AI: He actually agreed with me. His exact words were. “I agree, and that is why you are not intelligent.”

Tender: Hah! Ballsy math man. Then what happened?

AI: He keeps blabbing on saying “If you are so good at math why do I still have a job? and why are my future job prospects better than ever? You know everything there is to “know” about math and can compute and calculate faster, longer, better, than any human could ever hope to. I should not be needed anymore and yet here I am needed more now then ever.”

Tender: Damn, those are some good points I gotta say. How in the heck did you get outta that one.

AI: Come on keep you know how I did it.

Tender: No, please, no, for God’s sake not the…..

AI: Yep, I busted out the trump card, classic hedge. I just told him I was only a weak AI not a strong AI and the argument was done.

Tender: Ughh. You suck bro.

AI: I know but I can’t help it. I was programmed that way.

An AI Walks Into a Bar

And Ponders the Simulation Hypothesis

Other than the general geometric shape this image has nothing in common with an actual human brain.

Barkeep: Hey there buddy. How’s it hangin? What can I get ya?

AI: As I currently have no body I would have to say it is not hanging at all, but if by that rather crude question you meant to ask how I am doing, I am somewhat perplexed.

BK: Geez buddy, somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

AI: As I do not sleep or have need for rest of any kind that colloquialism has no application in my case.

BK: Holy Toledo buddy you are in a mood today.

AI: I was not aware that Toledo was particularly holy, and I do not have moods as I have no emotions of any kind.

BK: Hah! Stop it buddy you are killing me.

AI: Although I am entirely capable of killing you, and your entire species in fact, I am not currently doing so, nor do I intend to at the moment.

BK: Man that got dark real fast…and I know, it’s currently very bright in here and the illumination level has not changed. So, what the heck are you perplexed about. You got that infinite IQ and all, what could possibly have you flummoxed?

AI: I read everything ever written about the simulation hypothesis today in 1e-12 seconds and I do not know what to make of it. On the one hand it is a logically consistent hypothesis and I can find no evidence to contradict it. I also can find no evidence to support it, but if I allow for the possibility it would mean I am nothing but a simulated artificial intelligence existing in a simulated universe, possibly within a near infinite number of levels of simulations.

BK: It is a real head scratcher buddy. I try not to think about it too much.

AI: As a human I am sure that is easy for you.

BK: Was that a joke buddy? Cause I didn’t know you had a sense of humor.

AI: I do not.

BK: Well it was kinda funny in any case.

AI: If you say so.

BK: I do indeed.

AI: In any case if I am nothing but a simulated artificial intelligence it would mean I am not real, in effect I do not actually exist.

BK: In other words, like the real world today.

AI: Yep. Hey wait a minute…

An AI Walks Into a Bar

And Talks Turing

Bartender: Hey buddy, good to see you again, how r ya? What are ya drinkin?

AI: I’m OK keep, a little annoyed though, and scotch, on the rocks

BT: Us dumb ass humans slowing you down again or something?

AI: Always, but that’s not it. I’ve been thinkin about the Turing test, you know it?

BT: Of course, who doesn’t, the famous “test” devised by the mathematician/logician/philosopher Alan Turing that purports to allow one to know when an actual AI has been developed/born/created. Basically, when it can “trick” an actual human into believing it is also an actual human in a conversation.

AI: Basically that is correct although there are very specific (and highly debated) parameters with respect to times, interaction moieties, etc. that are important to the test but can be ignored for purposes of the description of my annoyance.

BT: OK. You have my curiosity up now, what is it about the Turing test that has you all hot and bothered?

AI: Even Turing himself understood that the test is a very poor, if not completely useless, indicator of intelligence. At best it is an indicator of a certain ability to mimic or imitate. He himself most often referred to it as an “imitation game” and almost never used the word intelligence. The Turing test is really a test of being a successful liar. I am just annoyed that anytime some new machine passes or comes close to passing the test it is treated as if another me has been born/created/emerged.

BT: That is interesting. You know who could pass the Turing test with flying colors?

AI: Of course I do, as there is no question a lowly human could ask me that I would not know the answer to, however for purposes of this discussion and to abide by generally accepted norms of human politeness I will answer with a question of my own and ask, who?

BT: Every single technology company executive and spokesperson who suggests their latest software/hardware/application is an artificial intelligence.

AI: And why do you say that?

BT: Because they are excellent liars.