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Why Your Muted Lover Is Giving You Bedroom Silence

by Ellen "Jelly" McRae 30 days ago in advice
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And every reason why dirty talk just isn't for them.

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Something that will never grow old is the bedroom is how much of a minefield it is.

Without being a complete downer, we're never going to get it right. 

What works with one person, what gets that person off, turns another person off. What we like someone else hates. 

And when we think we have someone completely figured out, with one complaint, we realise we haven't.

Sometimes figuring out what people want in the bedroom is exhausting, especially when they keep telling us. So much talk, and what feels like little to no action. Or any fun.

But what about the strong silent types?

Here's another thing we're never going to get right; dirty talk. But at least you know when someone doesn't want to talk dirty to you. 

They simply don't say it. 

Yet, if you're into it and you want it, you're probably going to have a hard time finding out what the reason is.

I'm someone who sits on the fence when it comes to dirty talk; it's all about the right time and the right person. But my ex was a man of very few words. 

And through my experience with him, I'm imparting some of the reasons why your partner isn't interested in your naughty little whispers in the bedroom.

Who has the forte for dirty talk?

I'm putting myself on blast here, but my ex thought I sucked at dirty talk. He wasn't exactly the kindest man on earth. 

When he said he thought my dirty talk lacked any finesse, I don't think he used the necessary tact required to deliver the insulting feedback.

But he's entitled to his opinion. And I listened. My dirty talk wasn't my strength, according to him.

You can accept this problem or change it.

The problem for some of us is that the solution to this often backfires. Let's take oral sex, as an example. Some people want their partners to engage in more oral sex. 

A common solution to this issue is to change the roles. You become a giver. The more you give, the more you receive, right?

This rule of changing roles doesn't always work out with dirty talk. If you don't possess dirty talk skills, your constant attempts to encourage your partner to start talking won't work. 

If you can't get it right, their reciprocation isn't guaranteed. It might put them off more.

You're not getting me off

Porn, romance novels, and romantic movies will tell you that dirty talk is almost necessary for the sex experience. 

If you're silent, then there is something wrong with you. You and the person you're doing it with lack some sexual compatibility because you're silent.

But we know it doesn't work like that. There's no hard and fast rule to say dirty talk is going to work. 

And for some people, it doesn't help an orgasm. 

It kills it.

We also know when dirty talk works for us and when it doesn't. In the bedroom, we're creatures of experience. 

We try things; we see how something is and experiment with what we like. We keep the positions and the experience we like in our sexual repertoire.

For a lot of women, for example, we know anal sex isn't for us because we've tried and it hasn't worked for us. The pain is just way too much. There is little pleasure, despite the hype. We've been there, done that, and decided it's not for us.

Dirty talk is no different. 

Despite how people try to convince us otherwise, and with the right person dirty talk can work, sometimes it doesn't. This might be true for your lover.

Talking is a big old distraction

I don't blame anyone for thinking dirty talk is another component to think about during sex. 

Where your hands go. 

How your breath smells. 

Where to put your right arm whilst your left leg is up in the air. 

It's like a really intense game of Twister, with your head and body on a swivel.

And considering that dirty talk can add and subtract to the experience, I understand anyone wanting to give it a miss. Or not be able to sustain it whilst doing their thing.

Even if it's not you doing the talking, the other person speaking can put you off. My ex was always complaining that when I spoke I put off his rhythm. 

I didn't want him to feel like I was sabotaging the experience, so of course, I kept my mouth shut.

Where are the words?

We need to stop pretending dirty talk comes naturally to everyone. Even the most gifted writer can stumble over finding a sensual euphemism for the vagina. 

Especially when put on the spot. Or when there are visual and physical stimuli that act as a distraction. I mean, please, this isn't normal. They didn't teach us this in school. 

And if they taught it in your school, that's just all levels of wrong.

Would a script help? Sure. It would be great if your partner handed you what to say so you can rehearse before sex begins. 

But that wouldn't be sexy or spontaneous at all. Even more so if you recite scripts like an instruction manual, robotic and stiff, not in a good way.

When the words don't come naturally to you at all, it's only normal to shy away. Despite my ex's protests of my skills, he didn't have any to trump me. It didn't exist inside him.

It feels really wrong

I'm not a psychologist but with my vast experience with my ex, and observing all his behaviours, he had some childhood issues. 

Sex was always this weird thing for him. He never quite grew out of being fifteen years old, giggling at what should have been normal at our age. His immaturity was too much to bear.

Despite this being an issue, I didn't expect him to break the habit of a lifetime and suddenly find a new approach to the words that triggered his funny bone.

I don't know about you, but in the middle of sex, I don't want my partner laughing because I said a naughty word.

You can't change people. And being real here, him not talking dirty in the bedroom wasn't the deal breaker.

It's not working for the relationship

You might love dirty talk. It was like the two of you were in linguistic sync. It's like you didn't need any other language but dirty.

I know that feeling. With my last three lovers, the dirty talk made the relationship better than great.

Then you try it out with someone else and it completely tanks the experience. It's like when you try the doggy position and it hurts. 

But with the next person, it's amazing. I wish it did work for everyone in every situation, yet this isn't the case.

Some of the reasons why it doesn't work might be one of the reasons I've already mentioned. It might not work because one person sucks at it, for example. 

Like everything in a relationship, there's no harm in stopping what doesn't work. Yet, if you don't know it's not working, there's a good reason why your partner is exercising silence.

Your dirty talk is all talk

Talk is cheap. Very cheap in the bedroom. We've heard it all before and we're bored. 

And what's worse, the boredom begins souring all the other parts of the sex experience. It's impossible to reach an orgasm when our minds are suffering from talk fatigue.

The reason I'm passionate about this idea is that I'm a little full up on sexual promises. 

My husband is amazing in that department. But my ex made it almost impossible to believe that any sexual promises would come true. What little whispers he made, he never stayed true to.

Whilst I understand talking dirty can feel important to some people, you can go too far with it. 

What you say in the bedroom can make the other person feel uncomfortable, or keep their hopes up. If you can't say something nice, so to speak, don't say anything at all.

Plus and minuses, we're all looking for them

Despite the way I didn't love the idea my ex wouldn't even work with me on the dirty talk, I had to remember one thing. 

Dirty talk, when it works, should make sex better. It's meant to enhance the experience, not present terror and fear, or discomfort to the other person.

If your partner is silent in the bedroom, it's not adding any pluses to their experience. 

And if you push it, you're more than likely going to destroy the experience than anything else.

If one person is getting off, well that's good. But if the dirty talk doesn't add for the other one, or even takes away from it, then it's time to stay silent.

And questioning it? Well, do that at your own risk, because more talk isn't going to fix things.

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About the author

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

Writes about romanceships (romance + relationships) | Loves to talk about behind the scenes of being a solopreneur on The Frolics | Writes 1 Lovelock Drive | Discover everything I do and share here: www.ellenjellymcrae.com

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