The Affair

Dedication

For my girls, always lead with both heart and mind in perfect harmony. Love self above all others.

Dedicated to my bird Sam Bunkey. May you fly as high as your wings can carry you! You’re my Sam in human form. My heart in the clouds. Be free and happy even though I can no longer physically hold you, you’ve touched my life in more ways than I can count. And for that I will always love you.

The Urban Affair

I had this dream. I can’t remember if it was a daydream or an actual dream, but, I was in a loft on the 10th floor of a crowded apartment building that looked rough from the outside, but, neat and tidy little place inside. Old school elevators with the gate that you have to close before the elevator door shuts. Quiet on the inside, peaceful, bright, colorful, boho metal and wood and Art Deco all over. As you walked towards the huge bay window you begin to hear a slight whir of rushing cars and honking horns of people rushing nowhere fast with their coffee’s in their hands cursing at one another. The people look and act like ants from up here. Look at them rushing about. I’m glad I’m not in that right now. Exhausted and overloaded missing the polite faces and palm trees and ocean whirring of Sarasota, FL. Where everyone speaks and says have a nice day and mean it. What in the hell made me come back here?! I mean who gives up fun in the sun for the urban jungle, no really there’s a real life Tarzan living in the middle of the woods of West Philadelphia. What would make me come back here where all of my pain and misery lives??? Oh yeah now I remember, it was him. Blondie dread with the blue eyes and baritone voice. Tattoos from his neck down even two on both sides of his upper cheek bone with the complexion that I can only compare to what a biracial pirate may have; 29yr old dope boy from the west side of Philly. I would say it was the roughness and the street cred or that he always smelled so good. A cross between incense and weed. Now I’m not one for the skinny guys but the way he was cut made me have to cross my legs tight so that you can’t see how wet I got when he took his shirt off. I would say it was how rough he appeared the first time I ever met him. Rolling a blunt with his peoples and my peoples, while they talk about the stick up they just did. Bunkey that’s about the sexiest name I’ve ever heard (even though he hates for me to call him that. He says I’m his wife and that’s a street name). No it wasn’t that, it was my second visit to resolve some unfinished business. Business that carved and paved my entire life for over 23 yrs. Joy that turned into pain the moment he stepped foot out of jail. Somewhere in my mind I figured it would work. It has to work! I mean, I waited and waited for this day and now that it’s here it’s the hardest thing in the world to face. How can you face a man that has hurt you to the point that you love him. Feelings get confused when you’re a child of abuse and you get pregnant by one of your abusers, and in some sick and twisted strange way you began to feel sorry for them and even love them. I stood by his side for over 20yrs while raising our daughter. For 20yrs all I heard almost daily was “You have a free call from “Rafiq” an inmate in SCI green, this phone call can be recorded and monitored. You may start your conversation now.” Yes I know the entire recording. In a sick twisted sort of way he made me feel safe and scared like a child hiding from the boogeyman, only the monster kept all of the other monsters away. Better the devil you know than the evil you don’t know right? So seeing the boogeyman’s face again for the first time in that long was both overwhelming and scary.

Part 2 the connection

“Where are you!?” He said with excitement anger and frustration all at the same time in his voice. “My flight was delayed and my sisters husband is picking me up. The only thing is that I have to baby sit so that she can go to the Dr. but I’ll see you early in the am.” I’m guessing Rafiq didn’t like that answer because I could hear the rage burst through the phone screaming “I paid for that flight and I can’t see you until the morning?! I don’t care if your sister has an appointment I’ve waited 20yrs for this moment!” I tried to explain that they are the ones picking me up so a favor for a favor. Still in prison mode, all he could see was what he wanted and not beyond that. 5’9 235 lbs pure muscle and self trained martial artist with a Z code because he does not play well with others, yeah he’s use to people doing what he says when he says it. Tears in my eyes not wanting to go in the morning with this feeling of dread and anger and sadness. All of the feelings that has been bottled up for over 23 yrs of being abused and used and talked about by him and his friends from “down” North Philly, as it’s so annoyingly called but if you’re a Philadelphian it’s breed into you to say things differently. It all came crashing down and I was cracking like an egg but hard boiled mad! Facing the window as my brother brought in the rest of my suitcases, so that no one could see me cry. I could feel that knot in my throat trying not to cry as hard as I needed to. I hear a voice say “You need a hug?” There it was that deep unassuming baritone voice from the yellow skinned, blondie dread, blue eyed, tattoo’d faced thug. Now I’m not one for physical emotions like hugs and pats on the back from anyone no matter how fine, but for some reason I was drawn to hug him. He stood up and called me over and when he put his arms around me it was instant! Like 2 magnets finding its polar opposite, like sand to the ocean, like the satisfying click to the last piece of a puzzle with over 5000 pieces. I’ve never had so much intimacy in a hug before. I never wanted it to end. My tears were gone and I felt at peace. We sat down on the couch and sank right into the big brown fluffy pillows. He sat on one end and I settled onto the other end cuddled in a blanket until we both dozed off. I don’t remember having any dreams that night only peace. I think I needed that. I haven’t had or felt peace since, well never. My life was where the hurt went to not be alone. I was surrounded by so much misery and heartache. All I wanted to do was enjoy that beautiful sleep.

Part 3 my Joker king has arrived (The release)

We were so wrapped up in the moment that we didn’t see my brother come downstairs to go to work at 3am. Only slightly more than half asleep because of how loud the door was, he said, “That was the best sleep I’ve ever gotten” and I agreed wholeheartedly. As I began to notice my arms wrapped around his legs and his arms wrapped around mines, he began kissing my legs and up to my thighs until he got to heaven. As he pulled down my denim blue shorts and panties to get a taste of this juicy pussy. “Oh my god he’s good at this!” I thought to myself. My hands gripping his golden loc’s his arms wrapped tight around my thighs pulling me closer as I try to run away from the amazing work his tongue and lips were doing. Trying to keep my composure and not moan loudly in pleasure, as not to wake the entire house. Just as I couldn’t take it anymore, back arched, head almost facing my back, legs wide and wet with lust and sweat, mouth agape then biting my bottom lip. A whimper of ecstasy, and just as I was about to cum he slides his dick slow and deep! Oh my gawd it’s huge, like a thick dwarf arm making a fist. Every time he’d thrust my nails dug deep in agonizing pleasure in his arms and back, as I clenched my hands from his arms to his back, to the couch back to his back. Damn did he just hit my cervix? Then he whispered “Damn this pussy good”. That just made me cum harder. Whispering, what was supposed to be in my head “Damn it’s so big”. He responded “that’s not all of it” then went deeper than I’ve ever felt. I knew he was cumming by the way he began to breath and thrust deeply pulling my hair back until we both moaned softly in pure pleasure and lust. We laid there for what seemed like eternity. Knowing that at any moment my sister and niece were on their way down to make the baby’s breakfast and her coffee and blunt ready to be rolled. I thought that I would feel guilt for having just released every pent up emotion on her couch but I didn’t. I felt complete calm and love and peace. That moment right there I knew that “he” had arrived. My other half. My other piece of my broken soul. I took a deep breath and felt that release that I’ve been searching for. I’ve always seen him but now he’s beautiful. My beautiful tortured soul. His sadness bought me so much pain yet made me feel like I wasn’t alone. It was pure empathy on a two way path to either a beautiful begging or a destructive end. Hopefully beautiful begging’s for sanity sake gawd. “Good morning y’all” my sister said as she walked down the stairs. “Good morning”. We both said lovingly in unison. “Good morning uncle B and Auntie”!. “Good morning baby girl!”. Samresponded. Then the day began as usual. They had their coffee, we headed to the basement, we smoked a Dutch and talked about life and all it’s thrills.

The heart wants what it wants

“Got damned this phone battery never stays charged” I exclaimed to Joey. “Yeah because you never keep it charged and you never answer your fucking phone!” Yeah I can feel and hear his frustration. Shit if that was me I would be frustrated too. I know he’s worried about not only my mind and safety but my heart as well. He knows after 20yrs of Rafiq being away that our 16 yr marriage was on the line. But it didn’t have him worried to the point where him nor I thought that I would never want to come back to Florida. “Did you go yet?” Joey said anxiously. “No. (Deep sigh) I’m on my way there now. I’m afraid and anxious” “I know you are it’s been 20 yrs since you’ve seen him.” “Yeah and it still feels like I’m that 13 yr old kid again.” That 13 yr old me wanted to run when he said run but the 38yr old me wanted to rip him a new asshole. I started to have this great disdain for him, yet sorrow because of what he had went through in his life. NO TINA, this is when you are allowed to not think of anyone else’ feelings. When you have to unapologetically tell people how you feel. This was my time. I had to make him pay for what he did to me and what he put me through. It made me feel torn and confused because I had waited for him for over 20yrs thinking he was going to be my savior from this loveless hell. That I could get past what he had done and learn to love him.

Can’t see beyond this wall....feeling trapped and caged and no way out except death or eternal slumber

Later

I see now I see past this wall that’s been blocking my view of my future. I assumed because it meant I was dead. Especially after the dr told me that my heart and brain could give out at any minute. I saw me dancing in the mirror looking like a prima ballerina that I had stuck up on my image board. I had on work out shorts, long colorful socks to my calves, a head full of hair pulled back by a sweat band. With a solid color sports bra and work out sneakers. Dancing in a body mirror in that loft! And beside me there he is. My partner, my love! I Can see it so clear! I’m actually unapologetically genuinely happy. He said “This is all we wanted, this right here, this very moment. Sitting down on the bed, smoking an L, watching a movie. At peace.” I agreed. This moment I have to learn to live in.

This is my last day here in heaven with my love. I had almost forgotten that my best friend, sister, and voice of reason, had come to Philly 2 weeks after I had come. I convinced her to come and live her best life and to see what city life is all about. Reluctantly she agreed, with good reason. I had explained to my Florida family that I am not the same person I am here in Florida as I am in my hometown. It’s almost like a Doctor Jekyll Mr. Hyde cinario. In Florida I was this stay at home wife with very little interest in people or the places that they frequented. In Pa. you could not get me to stay still long enough to eat or breathe, let alone sleep. Knowing my sister this was not her speed at all.

Standing at the airport gate excited to see someone familiar in my new world and happy that she will finally get a chance to see where I’m from and why I am the way that I am. “SISTER” I yelled with excitement as Takeisha exited the airplane. “HEYYY SIS!” She said enthusiastically yet nervously. As my brother Jay drove us from the airport I can tell she was trying to process it all. The smell, the dirt, the ruggedness. It’s not the palm trees and sandy beaches that she was use to. This was the concrete jungle.

Florida Wasn’t Ready

As we lay in before the alarm sounds at 8am. In a pitch black room from the thick sheets covering the windows so that no light can get in and no darkness can escape. His dreams torture him at night and every night in his dreams he fights to survive. All I can see is this vision is a place surrounded by darkness with a dim light just barely allowing for a silhouette of his body. Head tilted back in a silent scream arms outreached fighting these dark human like creatures arms and hands trying to pull him under. He fights the fight of his life every night. The torturous war he fights against himself every night makes me want to cry out for mercy for him. Laying in his arms hands hand on his heart, he says, “Baby there’s a storm in my chest. A raging storm of lightning and dark clouds swirling. I’m ok when I’m awake, it’s when I sleep they come.” “Who comes my love” as I listen to him take a deep breath and pause. “I don’t believe in ghosts but I do believe that they visit you in your sleep. I’ve done a lot of bad shit in my life and it haunts me only in my dreams. I sometimes wake up fighting and talking in my sleep as if I’m awake. I guess it’s my holy war, my jihad. I’m fighting myself and I’m losing.” “I know that feeling. And I’m here when you need me. I’m not helpless or as weak as I seem. Lean on me and I gotchu.” “I know you do and I am leaning on you. You’re the only one I trust to lean on.” “I won’t let you fall.” “I know you won’t.”

The responses are getting few and far between. Maybe he actual sees what I’ve been trying to tell him all of these years. To actually see and pay attention so that he knows if and when and how to fight. Fight for family, love,.....me. I know that this may be an intermission in his petty fest in response to me bringing straight into our home and lives. Maybe he sees that what I was trying to threaten him with all these years weren’t mere threats, but actual promises. “If you don’t listen another man will and the last thing that you want is another man listening to your wife and your daughters.” I would say this to him often with a knot in my throat and tears just barely staying on the bottom lid. His response would always be cold and calculated or a nod and a “Well.” And all that I could think at that moment was how hard I’m trying not to leave this marriage and separate this beautiful family portrait. Everyone had this grand idea of the perfect marriage was that of us “The Jones.” But that’s only because I did what I was raised to do “Keep house issues in the house.” I can hear my grandmother say in her sweet voice. That’s the picture that I’ve always had in my head of that perfect marriage that my grandparents Richard and Dorothy. That’s what I wanted so that’s what I tried to have and show my children and family that we had. But that was just that, a portrait of this perfect family who no matter what had love and each other and how happy we all were as a family. When inside that home was full of anger and hurt and sadness. Yes we had great times. When they were good they were great and when they were bad they were devastating.

Why do I feel so guilty about being happy

Problem is, that I felt this same lonely feeling when We were together in the same room as I did sitting at that play 3 seats down from him. Still cold feeling and uncaring. So I ask myself, what’s the difference between then and now; nothing at all.

“Babe what’s wrong?” He asked as he stopped in his tracks on his way from the kitchen. “Just in my head.” “About what?” “Just a bunch of shit.” “Well stop!” As he started a pillow blanket fight with me and CJ. I think that he’s starting to notice this nasty habit that I have when I’m thinking way to much or when something's bothering me, of biting my nails or picking at some random part of my fingers.

Letters to my daughter

Hey kiddo. I couldn’t sleep. There’s so much on my mind. I’m trying to make sense of what to do with my life and what direction I want to go in. For 20yrs total I was married, before then I was with your dad. So I’ve NEVER been on my own and I’ve ALWAYS had to compromise everything. Now that I really don’t have to, it makes me wonder who I really am. I’ve always been just a mother and a wife. I know I’ll always be a mother and I LOVE being a mother and never regret that it’s the wife part I’ve always regretted. I’ve always been taught that in order to have a healthy happy life you have to be married or with someone. I’m in love with Samand I’ve only felt like that with one person, Aaron and he died a long time ago. So it breaks my heart to think about giving that up. And it’s not him that’s the issue it’s me. I need to learn to fall in love with myself and I don’t know how to do that. I love Joey I just was never in love with him. He was a means to an end and it just lasted way longer than what it should have. But it’s like cutting off a growth that you’ve become accustomed to having. I got too comfortable when I got sick. I wanted this image of this happy perfect family so I never told people the hurt I was living with everyday. That I learned to smile through. That gets old after a while and then you become sadder and more depressed. The only thing that kept and keeps me going is y’all and I love y’all but I don’t know who I am. That’s where the hurt is. I feel like I could have been something in my life if I Hadn’t “settled” and depended on someone else to make me happy. I do know that y’all are my world and y’all make me happy. But I’m not happy with myself and being sick. I feel like if I wasn’t sick I can do so much more. What can I do? I can’t work because I’m sick and no job is going to keep me on because of it so I need to do my own thing, but what is my own thing if I have no clue as to who I am.

Divorce

I feel some sort of ease when I think that he really wanted this divorce. I think that he just didn’t expect that he would also feel sad; bitter sweet. He said that I practically raised him that I’m all he knows. The irony is that I felt the same way about Rafiq and Scott. I feel his pain because I’ve felt his pain. How could I put someone else through what I went through? But how can I stay in a Marriage that was progressively going from love to business? Either way the hurt was inevitable. “No! I’m living in this moment. I need to understand and feel this moment then when it passes let it go” As my oldest daughter would exclaim that I do.

Why do we need a reason why we love someone? Shouldn’t we just love their very existence? Isn’t it a primal feeling with an actual frequency

“Bae I gotta make this run. I’ll call you when I’m on my way back” “Ok. Love you. Drive safe”.

To be continued.....................