You can tell a lot about a woman by the shoes she wears.
When two people fall in love, it is not uncommon for them to go through a lot of grueling and time consuming tactics to primp and impress their new lover. This is not an unreasonable routine. Everyone wants to feel confident in their appearance, especially when a new love interest comes along. Blemishes are caked with layers of makeup, hairs are shaved and waxed and plucked over and over again, while deodorant and perfume and cologne are used tirelessly to mask the unpleasant odors that come with having a human body.
You’re an older kid—you have that college boy, sweat, and cheap cologne smell. When you went over to your friend's house for a post-soccer-game hangout turned sleepover, she walked to the bathroom across the hall in a gray oversized t-shirt, stopped in the door frame, and smiled that brace-filled grin.
Every. Single. Day. At least one guy will tweet me asking, "How do I get into porn?" The short answer is, "You don’t." But for those of you that actually might have the drive, perseverance, and sheer talent to be a male porn star, Imma break it down for you.
When you think about it, our mating habits are pretty weird. We spend about 20 minutes thrusting into each other, making odd noises, flooding our brains with "euphoric" and intense chemicals, and then experiencing occasionally underwhelming climaxes. Then we lay there afterwards acting as if nothing monumental has happened. It's pleasurable, it's memorable, it passes the time, and it can be rather entertaining—similar to what you look for in a good video game or new song!
According to most upholders of sexual morality and the sacred institution of marriage, the case for polygamy is as dead as the dodo. Plural marriage, they say, may be all right for primitives, heathens or the educationally benighted, but for civilized contemporaries? Unthinkable!
One of the questions I am frequently asked is how my partner copes with me doing porn. My answer is simple: "it’s a job." My personal sex life and my set sex life are both amazing, but for very different reasons. I'll put it this way—out of almost 1,000 scenes, I have orgasmed for real maybe four or five times. In my personal sex life, I orgasm every time, and sometimes more than once. I’m greedy like that.
In a world where the adorable faces of Jigglypuffs and Clefairys roam free, you might be surprised by the lack of innocence behind the scenes of the Pokémon universe. While the show and games were presumably created for a younger crowd, the adult fanbase is enjoying it just as much. Have you ever looked closely at Cloyster? Or accidentally spouted out the name of a Pokémon instead of asking your girlfriend to bed? It wouldn’t be the first time, as the fine line between sexual innuendos and Pokémon culture continues to blur. Sex and gender has always been an implicit topic throughout the Pokémon world. While each creature is labeled with a gender, the two sexes almost always look the same. Rather than simply smile awkwardly as Kakuna uses harden, however, Filthy is uncovering the hidden sexual messages behind your favorite pocket monsters. So zipper up your Gyarados but let your Poké Balls hang free, welcome to the sexy world of Pokémon.
Something hideous happened to me at school, when I learned that all men were not created equal. It knocked the stuffing out of my self confidence. Until puberty penetrated the playground, life had been a breeze. Suddenly, the most unlikely boys in school took to unfurling enormous, pliable hoses and waving them around in the back row of the geometry class for all, except teachers, to see. I was horrified. The owners of these impressive appendages seemed also to be taken by surprise. And I was left to the wayside with my small penis.
He said, “Baby, are you ready for 5”… around?”
One liners are the bread and butter of those who have very little game or a whole lot of confidence. Despite their natural cheesiness they can often be quite hilarious (and therefore effective). Most of us have heard a few pick up line favorites from “hey girl, do you have a quarter I can borrow, because I promised I’d call my mama when I fell in love” to “did you fall from the sky, because you are an angel” to more inappropriate versions like, “did you spray your pants with Windex, because I can see myself in them.” I know, total barf. However, there are people out there who are convinced they will hook the love of their life with one creative line.
My perfect first date would be for a hot guy to take me out to dinner and NOT try to get me to go back to his place. No blowjobs or sex on the first date, and if I do that it means I don’t want to see you again. If you make it to two dates I usually will have sex with you. But before we get there let me tell you about what I like in a date: