There are lots of things they tell you about sex, especially when you’re a girl. You’ll bleed, it’ll hurt like a bitch, you’ll hate it, and if you don’t use condoms and birth control you will end up a baby mama balancing kids, work, and crushed dreams. You’ll become overrun with sexually transmitted diseases, which let's be honest, have the worst names ever – like seriously, did a group of people sit around a table in a dimly lit room and say ‘think of the most terrifying words you can, and that’s what we’ll call the diseases that people get when they bang?' As if most of us girls weren’t already concerned about gaining weight from the birth control pills or the condom breaking. Even thinking about sex makes you anxious and breathy and you can’t tell whether to laugh or cry at the thought of some guy’s thing inside your box. (Why can’t we say penis and vagina? It’s always dick, or schlong, or pussy, or some other word we give a dirty inflection to because we don’t want to say the correct term like if we say vagina or penis it suddenly becomes a symbol of a real person instead of your Saturday night agenda.)
For years, I have grown with boys who are now men, who have proudly worn their sexuality on their backs like a rucksack. Times are changing and women want to do this too. I know I certainly do and would, why are we so squeamish when it comes to women talking about sex?
I love internet porn. OK, maybe that statement is a bit embellished, but there is one thing I do love about it (other than porn stars with great boobs, obviously) is internet porn commentators. That's right, if you have never scrolled past the sex scene to see some of the most outrageous, disrespectful, and irrelevant things people have to say, then you, my friend are missing out. I'm not sure if half of these comments are due to loneliness or sheer craziness, but whatever the motivation, fans sure do have a lot to say. From recipe questions to extremely detailed observations, here are 10 of the bizarre PornHub comments made by your fellow masturbators.
It can be hard to stay interested in certain conversations for longer than 5 minutes, so how does one stay interested in their significant other for 50 years?
Women's magazines get a lot of flak for being a bit crazy at times. Though they often raise great points in terms of relationship and sex advice, the truth is that even the greatest magazines out there will occasionally slip up and come up with advice that is totally off-kilter, weird, or downright hilariously bad.
Have you been yearning for the sight of yet another strange and possibly alarming sex toy? Well, wait no longer, dear readers. Wacky Sex Toy of the Week has returned yet again, and, let me tell you, we’ve got a shocker for you. Or, more accurately, for ‘little you’. And yes, that shock is absolutely literal. Ready? Put on your thick-soled rubber boots, stay away from tall trees, and get ready to check out . . .
. . . the Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System. (Pro tip: ‘e-stim’ is short for ‘electric stimulation’, which is just what it sounds like). You’ve heard of those shock collars for dogs? Yeah, this is basically a shock collar for your junk. I’m just going to take a moment to let that sink in. Shock collar for your junk. Yep. But wait . . . there’s more.
Not only is this a shock collar for your junk, it’s also a chastity device. Your partner in junk-shocking locks your pork’n’beans inside the plastic confines of the Zeus, thus preventing any, uh, amorous activity, and also pressing the edges of your soon-to-be-maltreated-member against the sides of the unforgiving device. This wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that the sides and tip of the Zeus are covered in zappy electrodes. I’ll let the website’s text take this one away. “The chastity cage is lined with electro conductive silicone with pads running along the sides. Each electrode flares out into a paddle shape to optimise contact with the head of the penis.”
Part of the joy of looking up erotic Kindle eBooks is to see how strange everything gets the further into the pit you descend. Sure, erotica has always been a strange genre, but, thanks to the self-publishing boom Amazon invigorated with its Kindle line, a lot of authors have been able to dump their unfiltered thoughts out into the void to be experienced.
Girl on top? The only thing I'll be on top of this year is filing my taxes on time. My legs look and feel like two Twinkies that melted together so the only way I can pull off any position with "Cowgirl" in the title is by squatting like I’m pooping in the woods. Pinterest told me to do squats in between commercial breaks to build endurance, but come on. I’m not an Olympian.
What porn is to men, Romcoms are to women. Both involve fantasy, unnaturally proportioned actors, and of course the most unlikely of outcomes. Which is why couples don't always see eye to eye when it comes to watching these dirty little flicks before a romp session.
Missing your regular dose of weird and (dubiously) wonderful sex toys? Well, let me assuage your worries, because Wacky Sex Toy of the Week is back, we’re ---- well, sort of beige, really ---- and we’re ready to give all you loyal readers a hand. No really, a hand. Like, with fingers. That kind of hand.
All right, let’s back up a bit. First off, do you know what a cocksleeve is? If you don’t, let me explain. If you do . . . well, I’m explaining anyway. It’s a sort of contraption that straps over (and around) your dick, often using the testes as a sort of anchor point. Generally, this contraption is shaped like a much bigger dick, so you get the fun of kinda bangin’ the middle of this foot-long faux-schlong while watching said penile prosthesis penetrate your partner.
Lover? Boyfriend? Par amour? Fiancé? Baby? Dependent? Consort? Sweetheart? Honey? Roommate? If he’s not your husband and you’re living together, he’s your…? You’re his…?
Recently presidential candidate Donald Trump went on a 3AM twitter rant which included urging his followers to check out a supposed sex tape featuring former Miss Universe Alicia Machado. In addition to once again demonstrating his low opinion of women, it also got us thinking; was Trump up late at night looking for something to say about Miss Machado, or was he perusing sites looking for celebrity sex tapes to add to his collection? Needless to say this led to a very dark mental space. After a long shower and stiff drink to get the images out of our heads we put together this list of Donald Trump’s favorite celebrity sex tapes.