Ramblings of a Broken Heart

So I have been trying to write this piece for a while now. It hasn't been simple to say the least, so bare with me as I try to intricately delineate an answer to the question “Why don’t you have sex for fun?”.

I was about 4 years old and had just woken up. I went out to the living room to watch cartoons and heard my mom crying loudly but saying things like “Yes, yes James, just like that.” I didn’t know what was going on and was curious as to why my mom was carrying on like she was. Maybe she was dreaming and needed me to wake her up, so I got up, went to their bedroom door and opened it just enough to see inside. What I saw was my step dad on top of my mom thrusting her into the waterbed mattress like a rag doll, with her legs up in the air flailing around like a rubber snake! I instantly fell into tears thinking he was killing her, the door swung open as I fell to the floor and they both looked at me in shock! My step dad sat straight up covering himself with a sheet and my mom just rolled off the bed stark naked and picked me up, carried me over to the bed, and held my crying, shaking, little body.

I will never forget what she said when I asked what they were doing. “When you love somebody, truly love someone, making love is a way to express, build and strengthen that love. We were making love, Baby.” she said. Somewhere deep inside my little mind that day stayed with me.

As I got older, I held on to that, like a secret treasure only I was supposed to know about. I would fantasize about my first time with a man, what it would be like, and how it would feel. But I learned quickly, at a young age, that people don't view sex the same way I did. Growing up, I experienced men that tried to just take it, like something they had a right to, but to me it was like they were taking pieces of me, pieces that were meant to be special. I grew up confused and thought that it was just something I was supposed to do, but I would see other women just having sex with whoever, whenever they wanted and it made me sick to think of sex as something that you do, just because. I have never had a boyfriend that hasn’t cheated on me or respected me, or even cared enough to actually make love to me, so for me, it's like a dream I will never attain. For a long time, sex had become something I hated, I really thought I was the only one that held such a genuine imagery of it.

When I think of sex, I think of what I have never had, true love. That beautiful, elegant, emotional connection that you can not control. I think of an undressing, the removal of coverings, hiding all my secrets. I think of chaos and peace together at the same time, a rebuilding of destruction and disaster, so ardently that nothing can tear it apart. I think of all my broken pieces soothed over and touched so deep inside, the orgasmic explosion decimates every trauma I can't forget. I think of his fingertips as they trace over every inch of my stitching, his lips as they caress the most sensitive nerves, the weight of his body pressing against me, holding me, pulling me closer, just so he can be deeper inside my most locked away place.

I think of myself showing him what makes love so beautiful, so differently that he can't resist doing it again and again. I think of learning the way he needs to be loved, touched and savored in a way that pulls us together as one. I think of touching his most sacred places, the places he hides from the rest of the world. I think of my body pressing onto his rising tide of power, his heartbeat pounding into my chest as he reaches his point of no return, milking his hectic silence into peaceful resilience.

When I think of having sex with someone, its not just for the hell of it, or whenever the urge to fuck arises. Don't get me wrong, sex can be a great stress reliever and has many health benefits, with right person. But I do think in order to fully enjoy and understand the act we are engaging ourselves in, we both have to be able to open places others have tried to take the sincerity away from. How we both have to be able to hold each other to higher expectations and be willing to reach those expectations without animosity, accepting the bad to enjoy the good, and ride the hard to slide into the easy parts. Everyone has places they are afraid to have touched and when you can open those places, knowing the innocent veracity of a certain person, sex becomes something you will never experience the same way again.

That is why I hold sex so importantly and dear to my heart....