Sex can get boring.
It’s ok, you can admit it.
Even with the most skillful of lovers, rolling in the sheets can get, well, a bit stale. I mean, there are only so many variations on a theme, right? Him on top, her on top, him behind, on your side, standing up, lying down…yaaaawn… oops, sorry, I dozed off for a sec there. But you can see my point.
In an open relationship there are so many avenues to explore that you might actually start yearning for "boring" sex—dogging, swinging, threesomes, foursomes, (now you’re just being greedy!).
If it's what turns you on, you can even dress up as a giant teddy bear and meet other furries in the woods for sex—a teddy bears dicknic, if you like.
But what can you do to spice up a monogamous relationship?
Somewhere near the top of many people’s sexual bucket list—let’s call it a fucket list—is having it off in public. The thrill and danger of getting caught, plus the necessity of making it a quickie, makes it an attractive proposition for couples who want to spice things up without adding more ingredients into the mix, so to speak.
So in the interest of public decency and voyeuristic pleasure, I present to you the ultimate list of places to have sex in public, without being caught!
This is the training standard of public shagging—in fact, most courting couples will have done it out of necessity, because the alternative of a furtive fuck within earshot of either ones’ parents is too horrifying to mention.
Windows in a car steam up pretty quickly, providing a degree of privacy, but make sure you don’t leave your lights on or it will be taken as an invitation for all the doggers to come and watch, which is ok if that’s your thing, but most couples only want the "risk" of being caught, not to be the live sex show for every wanker (and I mean that literally) within eyeshot.
And, if you have watched any horror film in the past decade, keep your doors locked!
Still a pretty typical fantasy, it is a bit more risqué than being within the confines of your car.
If you really want to act out your own sex scene, the best time to do it is late at night, and at a movie which has been out forever. That way there won’t be many people at the showing and you should be able to get it on without too much of a risk of being caught, although you will probably raise a few suspicions.
It might logistically be a bit difficult to have full on sex, so you might want to start with a mutual hand job. Draping a coat over your laps keeps things under wraps, and the noise levels of the movie, especially if it’s an action one, will cover your muffled yelps.
Don’t, whatever you do, get on your knees. You are guaranteed to come out with gum stuck to your jeans, and without knowing what went on in the seat before you, gum might be the least of your problems.
Train or Plane Restroom
Now the element of danger starts to creep in.
There’s something inherently sexy about trains. Agreed, the Orient Express and steam trains of old have more of a nostalgic attractiveness about them, but trains in general are quite erotic.
Maybe it’s the traveling element, or the rhythmic movements, but trains do lend themselves to forbidden sex.
Sigmund Freud said that trains were phallic symbols, and tunnels were… well, you know. Maybe we are all amateur psychologists.
Anyway, when something is forbidden, it immediately becomes so much more desirable. The problem is, restrooms are tiny, so be prepared for a bit of contorting and strategic placing of limbs. If you don't travel by train often, an airplane bathroom possesses the same allure of exhilaration, and also gets you into the mile high club.
As far as being caught goes—anyone who noticed you both going in there together will know damn well what you’ve been up to, and you may well get a round of applause when you come out! But your modesty will remain intact as long as you remember to lock the door. The last thing you want is your bare ass being flung across the carriage when the door flies open.
Now, this is a double edged sword—on the one hand getting your rocks off Swedish style can be risky. The door could open at any minute, which is of course where the thrill of it is, but at the same time your flushed faces and sweat can be passed off as the effects from the steam, thus reducing the thrill factor.
It will also be easy to cover up your nudity if someone happens to stumble in on your fumble, as long as you choose a position which will be easy to disengage from, such as from behind.
All in all though, this is really starting to get into the realms of getting caught with your pants down—chances are pretty high that you won’t be alone for long.
If you find yourself on a break away with your partner, and are lucky enough to stay in a hotel with floor to ceiling windows, you are in for a treat (although not as much as the people in the hotel opposite!)
This works especially well if your room is fairly high up in a large hotel. It is as hot as hell to get naked and have sex while leaning up against the glass. You really can get as dirty as you like—in a big building the chances of anyone being able to pinpoint your room are negligible, so you can go for it in pretty much any position—or every position—you want.
Treat the onlookers in the hotel opposite to a view of your naked backside being rammed up against the window. Lean forward facing it while he humps you doggy style. Pull up a chair and straddle both him and the seat while you ride him, or get down on your knees and give him a blow job—all within full view of anyone who cares to watch.
In a Tent
Bear with me—yes I know we’ve gone from high rising in a high rise to slumming it in a tent, but this can be seriously sensual if you do it right. The thing is, when it’s dark, any movement inside a tent with a lantern on is silhouetted.
So to anyone on the outside looking in, every movement will be captured in full glory against the canvas. A full-on marionette show, displaying nipples and knobs in glorious outlined detail, all the time knowing that someone could be on the other side of the tent, watching your every move. (This is best done on a camp site without children occupying any nearby tents though.)
And if there are any complaints the next day, you can just feign innocence—after all, you were in the privacy of your own tent.
Now this one carries a pretty high risk of getting caught, so you have to be pretty cocky to try it. Choose an area which is less busy, and a time when there are fewer people in there, and go for it among the shelves of dusty tomes.
An added perversion here is that, as it’s in a library, you have to be very quiet. Wear a skirt, and as you’re leaning over holding onto one of the shelves, have him come up behind and take you.
It’s the easiest position to recover from—as he withdraws, your skirt should just fall back down, covering you up while he studies the books intently while putting himself away.
Forgive me Father…
Ok, this is the crème de la crème of public places to pump in—in a league of its own. Having sex in the confessional box in church… if you're exceptionally risky, try it while mass is going on!
Religion brings out the dirty in some of us—all that talk of temptation, guilt, and sin just flips a switch in the part of our brains which is responsible for being horny.
Sneak in to the confessional before the service starts, and once it’s in full flow, so will you! Getting caught is one thing, but the threat of getting caught by Friar Fuck is quite another, and will give you the most orgasmic ride you’ve ever had.
But remember, the acoustics inside a church are pretty impressive, so you will have to exercise an enormous amount of control to keep the noise down. Although, if you think about it, good sex can be quite a religious experience—how many times have you screamed "Oh God" in bed?
The opportunities for being the players in your own private peep show are endless—you just have to follow a few rules. Choose your timing wisely, leave your underwear at home, if you are going to be shagging outside then wear something which won’t stand out like a beacon, and keep the noise down.
If you abide by these few rules, you can play with fire without getting burnt.