Polyamory Is Not For Everyone

"Polyamory is not for everyone" is something I find myself saying often. It's a way to defend myself from judgement. Singling yourself out as an oddball, a sore thumb, strange. People are receptive, less judgmental.

But why is polyamory judged? We're seen as cheaters. Unstable. We lack commitment, we lack restraint. We're promiscuous, we're sex addicts. The list of stigmatism's goes on. Any one of these singular stigmatism's could be true for anyone, polyamorous or not.

The word polyamory was coined in a 1990 article entitled "A Bouquet Of Lovers". That's beautiful, just like having the freedom and capacity to love multiple human beings at once. Polyamory is a choice, just like monogamy is. You have to choose the commitment, the scheduling, the expansion of your energy and love.

Now time to debunk the stigmas.

"But isn't polyamory just an acceptable way to cheat?" No. It's not. You can still cheat in polyamorous relationships. Polyamory still has boundaries, it still has "rules", there are ample things (that vary from couple to couple) that would be considered cheating. Polyamory is about full communication (unless you're in a consensual "don't ask don't tell" situation) and making sure everyone is comfortable, always. Just like monogamous relationships.

"You have to be unstable and lack commitment if you're seeing multiple people. You're just not happy with your first partner, right?" No. In fact, polyamory thrives on stability. I love my first partner more now, actually. It created a space for us to appreciate the time we spend together and make our time together meaningful. I'm extremely committed to both my partners. I'm in a very serious relationship with both of them. We all have long term expressed commitment.

"You're just addicted to sex!" Just like any relationship, polyamory is not dependent on sex. You can be on the asexual spectrum and polyamorous. You can be demi-sexual and polyamorous. Polyamory is not a sexual orientation.

The stigmas surrounding a poly lifestyle are generalized and arise from a place of misunderstanding. There are infinite ways to execute polyamory and it's different for everyone. Just like there are infinite ways to practice monogamy.

For example, the most common polyamory terms are:

Ethical non-monogamy

- Seeing other people in a romantic and/or sexual way outside of an already established partnership.

- This can include each partner having their own relationships or bringing a mutual partner in.

Polyamory

- Usually used as an umbrella term, this is the practice of having multiple relationships with multiple people. This is NOT the same as polygamy, the practice stemming from religion, of having multiple legal spouses, which is illegal in the United States.

Open Relationship

- This mainly revolves around no strings attached sexual relationships outside of an established relationship.

Many people confuse polyamory as a part of the LGBTQIA movement. While you can be LGBTQIA and polyamorous (many are, which is where the confusion comes from) you can very well be straight and polyamorous.

Now, for the back story. I have always had non-traditional relationships. I came out as queer when I was 14. My mother was completely unsurprised. Through the years I had serious and not-so-serious relationships with older men, younger men, women, people who were transgender, people who were gender non-conforming. My mother supported all of it. So, when I found myself gravitating towards polyamory, she was not surprised.

Through some fluke in the universe, I found myself coming up on two and a half years with the same man. I had never been comfortable in a relationship that long. We were happy, we ARE happy. I love him dearly. But, I also love my other partner. I've been seeing my other partner for going on 7 months. My boyfriend has a boyfriend as well, they're going on 4 months.

Through my journey with polyamory in past relationships, I truly never thought I could do it again. My first experience with being poly was a disaster. So much so that I didn't even know we were poly until 3 months in. We were at a local health store when my S.O and I ran into their LIVE. IN. PARTNER who I knew nothing about. We worked through that uncomfortable encounter. By "worked through" what I mean is that I was 19 and naive, so I continued to date them for 5 more months.

I had been cheated on and hurt A LOT when I met my current boyfriend of 3 years. I was insecure and extremely vulnerable. We remained (honestly unhealthily at times) monogamous for two and some change years of our relationship. The decision to originally open up our relationship was 1. due to me going to a queer bar and coming home drunk asking to open our relationship up so I could smooch a girl I was attracted to and 2. purely sexual. We are both queer and originally agreed that what was most comfortable for both of us was consensual sexual relationships with the same gender.

Neither of us intended to become poly, it happened fast and emotionally. The transition was fairly easy. I had asked out someone I had known for years and always thought was cute. We went on one date and that was that. i knew I wanted to be with them. They made me laugh, they made me comfortable, and I was extremely, EXTREMELY attracted to them.

They and my boyfriend click extremely well. We all hangout together on occasion. I don't believe in primary partners so I alternate my time equally with both of them. Everyone is extremely happy. I'm in love with two people. It's possible, and the love I have for both of them is more than I thought I could produce.

My boyfriend stuck with the sexual openness longer than I did. After my one date, I settled down with both my partners. Content sexually & emotionally. That's what I had been looking for.

My boyfriend didn't find a serious partner until three months ago. I actually set them up. His boyfriend cut my hair and I just knew they would click. They did. Really well.

Being polyamorous has taught me to let go of my unhealthy jealousy. It has taught me to be comfortable with change. I have learned that change and exploring new things can lead to amazing outcomes. I have let go of unhealthy insecurities. Things that I had been socialized to feel while monogamous. Not to say monogamy is at fault, my plethora of unhealthy monogamous relationships are.

Not every poly relationship works like the one I have. Not all are as easy as mine was. Never the less, polyamory takes a lot of effort, a lot of love, and a lot of patience. It is completely valid and most polyamorous relationships are in fact built on real connections. Let's dump the stigmas. Polyamory isn't for everyone, but those who are poly deserve the validity, respect and recognition that monogamous relationships have.