Phoenix: Lost in the Forest

Limerence- “Limerence is an intense feeling,...Love is calmer and less dramatic than limerence.....Love is characterized by unconditional care for someone. In contrast, when a limerent bond is formed, you can only be happy when your feelings are reciprocated…..Limerence lasts longer than infatuation/ lust but tends to be more short-lived than love…Limerence is not the same as lust, as it is not exclusively sexual in nature.” (Woolfe,2018)

There we were sitting at the center table at our weekly after-work bar. Kelley surprised me as she went down on one knee. I felt in each synapse to take flight at that instance to run. My ears seemingly became muffled then, clogged and I stood as the petrified tree in a huge forest. Spectators watching as if we were on the big screen and surprisingly we were. Kelley had set this whole place up for this moment. “Sounds magical?”

As the Princess and the Prince Charming in the movies, I magically dropped my hand as she placed the beautiful diamond ring onto my finger. “Perfect fit, do you love it?” She beckoned for my response.

“Yes, Yes, and Yes!” I answered.

It was her smile that sucked me in. I was having one of those days where I needed to escape the pressures of domesticated life. As usual, I was at the bar alone. I had had an explosive argument with my girlfriend. It was not uncommon for me to find my way to the bar to drown out my emotions. I learned in my early adolescence years, how to numb my mind and emotions with pure alcohol.

Sex helped to numb the pain and anguish as well as the libations. I would become fearless and cynical then take on the persona of Deja.

“Hello pretty lady, can I buy your next drink,” she spoke.

“ Yes, I will have a rum and coke, I’m Deja like Deja Vu and your name is?” I welcomed her offer.

“ I am Kelley, your future wife.” she smiled; cunningly.

“ You’ll have to ask, my girlfriend if that will be possible.” I laughed.

“Is she here? I thought you were here alone?” she asked in a nonchalant manner.

“No, she’s at home tending the nest,” I spoke the truth and smiled to find the response in her facial expression.

Phoenix vanished two hours prior to the meeting of Kelley. Deja was not immediately attracted to Kelley. Kelley was dressed in jeans, and a red pullover sweatshirt embroidered with Chicago Bulls and cap to match. Kelley sported braids beneath the cap, like every other stud from the neighborhood. Thank God, no gold teeth. The pearly white teeth glistened through the full brown lips. Kelley escorted me to a small table close to the stage to watch the Drag Show; where we’d quickly become acquainted before the show began.

Deja was like a triple threat. Deja was like some mystical and bizarre creature that would emerge as the hybrid lion and jaguar. The wild blonde- reddish mane set the pry and the prowl to ignite a chase. Always meticulous, dressed in sleek black and something sheer to entice. Introducing a seductive script to ravage the desired meat of choice. Innately, using the hazel eyes to hypnotize and pull in the desired weak creatures. The women captured were definitely, well-bred, tender, and juicy. Between Phoenix and Deja, the motto was concrete; “ If one must cheat it had better be well worth it.” However, the sex rating would be one of the determining factors on how long the fling would last. One night stand or a seasonal fling was always determined by how well the sex and mental stimulation would rank well with both Phoenix and Deja.

While Phoenix had a distaste for butch women with long hair, preferring a more clean and well-groomed low haircut; even nicely coiled dreadlocks was do-able. Deja would take them hardcore for desiring a hardcore fuck. The ninety seconds rule for a physical attraction was accessed. I imagined standing in my favorite black thigh-high boots, on Belmont’s Rock overlooking Lake Michigan, getting my pussy pounded by Kelley’s big black strap which was unambiguous in her baggy jeans.

Monogamy was a challenge, while Deja and Phoenix meshed with many suitors; the lie was so programmed to consciously admit to having one main chic at home. Cheating was a learned behavior facilitated by the growing secret of both parents’ infidelities. The naive child wishes to keep mommy and daddy together for ever. I never wanted to be like my friends struggling in their one-parent households. Hiding the secrets still felt unresolved. The validity of infidelity vs. fidelity couldn’t be established; rather it was a way of understanding which was right or wrong. While therapists insisted it’s the secrecy that caused trauma and damaged my perspective on healthy relationships.

“...As a general rule, micro-cheating is anything that’s more emotionally, physically, or sexually charged than what’s considered kosher in your relationship...What counts as micro-cheating?...

examples include:

paying more attention to someone who isn’t your partner than your actual partner at a party

muting someone or deleting a text exchange so your partner won’t find out you’re chatting

sharing personal details about sexual tastes, kinks, and fantasies with someone who isn’t your partner…” (Kassel, 2019)

It took all but three months of my girlfriend declining sex and two months of Kelley and I sharing our common sexual kinks. Nina was young and it was a sweet high in the beginning. I loved how I was able to direct all our sexual encounters, I taught her how to eat my pussy so good. It literally drove me up the deep red painted wall as she would insert her fingers inside of me, sucking my juices off of them. I am such a nasty girl and I would lick whatever possible drip was left from hers. I had not had much experience with butch women. But she was one sexy MF and loved me hard.

After six months of dating, she finally let me lick her joy box. She was very timid but I talked her through the process. She submitted and I had the pleasure to ease Nina into shocking explosions. It was bittersweet for Nina because her friends made her feel insecure like she was being too vulnerable, “ a pillow queen or going against the stud code.” “Killjoy Butch Bitches,” I’d boldly shared my true sentiments with only, Nina. I kept the other part of the story to myself as the same so-called friends were in my ear many nights wishing to be in her spot.

Nina was my first love in a full-fledged gay relationship. However, my push to be the dominant feminine and her truth to be a self-identified butch dominant; in hindsight gutted our relationship like a fish and placed a fork in it. She only wanted to just strap fuck me and I forever longed for her to fuck my face. Nina was becoming to be true to the label, “ touch me not Stud!”

Kelley shifted my perspective by being assertive and bending on the rules of what Butch women will and will not do for their lovers. So, I sabotaged my two-year relationship with Nina to move forward with Kelley. I still wanted to date as my heart would need to be in a good place before I gave it to someone else; wholeheartedly. I set the intentions of being with Kelley but with some conditions that I would set for flexibility; hence an open relationship.

I drifted in and out a lot and was not sure if it was from all the years of drinking or a form of coping when in a dilemma.

“Was I really saying, yes to Kelley’s proposal? I guess.

The bartender came with the bottle of Champagne, she explained how she was so anxious to see the expression on my face as Kelley proposed. She rambled on about how she helped Kelley get everything together. She received the side-eye and half-smile for all her efforts. Anyhow, I never imagined that the balloons and decorations had been there for us. The DJ was playing our favorite “Love Jones'' playlist, the special one we made after our one year anniversary as a couple. I had to admit it was all so lavish and flabbergasting. Kelley had to make sure I was highly pleased with every detail of this night.

Our friends began to arrive. I was so overwhelmed but what happened next; I could have died on spot and went straight to Hell! The floor felt like it was caving in and the heat that rose from my heels to my head! I was definitely being taken down into the pit to meet my maker. I could not believe my eyes. Was this the tunnel between heaven and hell?

“Bartender, can we get a round of shots?” I shouted precisely.

Jessie walked in with Kelley’s co-worker. I nearly fainted. This woman and I had met a week ago in Dallas. Kelley caught my hand and held it up to Charles, cheering and singing,

“We’re getting married!!!!

I had to gain my composure. Charles was walking this lady in and I knew this was not his date. Yet, the two walked side by side as a loving duo; too freaking odd. I quickly handed Jessie and Charles their shot of Patron before my mind and soul could make sense of what the hell was going on. Charles introduced Jessie, “ This is my Mom, and Mom this is Kelley and Phoenix my favorite Lez Chics!”

Mama Jessie reached to give a hug to Kelley, then I, “ Congratulations!”

The embrace felt like strangulation. I was sinking into the radioactive elements of hell. I wanted to get on my knees and repent. I smiled and offered them both a seat at our table. Kelley was so excited and so chatty with our guests. She is really the laid back and the coy one and I the social butterfly, Chatty Cathy. I felt like Kelley took an immediate liken to Jessie but like in a mother-like admiration.

My mind was conjuring up how to get Jessie and me completely alone without any ear hustlers. Kelley interjected my crazed and rambling thoughts which were spiraling out of control, “Babe you ok?”

I nodded, “I ate something earlier for lunch that did not agree with my stomach,” I reassured Kelley by kissing her on her neck, (her weak spot). I felt fidgety, hoping no one would notice with the music vibrating and people dancing around. A parade of admirers and backbiters, stop by the table to give their congratulations to Kelley and me; I was on my fourth shot of Patron with my champagne set and fuzzling out. I took out my cigarettes and lighter, signaling for Jessie to follow my lead.

Jessie quickly noticed, “Phoenix, do you mind if I step out with you?” She responded without hesitation, “Charlie Boy, I’m stepping out with Phoenix.”

Charles gave a thumbs up and made his way to the dance to the floor

to accompany Keely. The music was booming and the heels of the participants were so damn loud, I was feeling so nauseated. I quickly wanted to make it out to the outdoor patio and a private table in the back. Less noise, people, and chaotic clutter. Jessie’s clicking heels were even too loud for me. She seemed as anxious as I.

Well Missy, is Phoenix your last name? Misses Deja Phoenix…? Jessie bluntly bellowed.

Interrupting her, Kelley really surprised me! I thought we were coming to have our last dinner. She had been acting so distant for the last few weeks, staying at work late and not responding to my calls or text. We had been in a weird place and like I mentioned to you and Annie that night.

Jessie interrupted, “that night was phenomenal and I felt like I was twenty again. I have not been able to get you out of my head. I was secretly wishing you were right about Kelley’s desire to end the relationship…” she sighed.

“But, I don’t know how to do this…” I was speechless and so overwhelmed. Whatever happened in Dallas was supposed to stay in Dallas. It was a work training when Annie, Jessie, and I had to share the suite for the night. The day started out well, we met and chatted over lunch. Jessie and Annie were from the Austin location and I from San Antonio. Our training had been scheduled for the morning and we readily decided to find a small after-work bar for drinks. Jessie and Annie did not hesitate, shots of Fireball. I found it funny how they chose this particular liquor. The youngsters had coined this new Shit. Both ladies had me by a good decade and a half; nearly two. Yet, both were fine on the eyes. I did not let my mind go beyond that considering Kelley and I had been exclusive for the last three years. I prided myself on being so faithful to her for this duration of time.

Back to the suite around 10:45 pm with plenty of time to sleep, we began to sort through our things and laid out outfits for the morning. It was casual attire requested. Just as Annie and Jessie appeared to be; these ladies seemed really close in their friendship. Lots of inside jokes flew over my head. With a need to get the BS out the way, I changed up my perception. I asked if I could shower first, thinking I’d call Kelley as I sat in meditate mode. I quick dialed; knowing the tension we were having, I wanted to get pass the shits. Kelley seemed agitated. “Already!!!” I was wishing I had not called.

“Bae, what’s up you sound tired,” I questioned.

“Where were you, I called you earlier; Phoenix? Why didn’t you answer or text; Phoenix!!!”

“Oh, I was out getting dinner and my phone was still on silent, I forgot to turn it back on from when I had a meeting with my director,” I lied.

“Hmm, alright Phoenix, I will call you in the morning, before I go into work.”

“Hmm, I thought you said you were off for the next few days. Alright, just send a text, I will be in training.”

In my ear the humming of the dial tone, and no I love you babe or goodbye, I was too tipsy to think too deep for her or me, not tonight!

Okay, ladies, I am done! I stumbled over those words because I walked into a nude shade of awe. Annie was giving Jessie long and deep kisses, along the back of Jessie’s opened legs. I was not even given a heads up by the two or even my weird intuition.

I grabbed my purse to get my cigarettes and lighter, including my mini bottle of wine. “ Where is my cell phone,” I mumbled to myself; simultaneously I was listening to Jessie moaning, “Phoenix?” My ears were playing tricks with me, right? Before I knew it Annie was breathing down my willowy summer dress and her warmth felt.

Jessie whimpers across the room were rising high as the pheromones in the room. Annie took my breast and caressed my nipples, ever so gently. I was so embarrassed by my own moan.

“I can’t, slipped out slowly from my soul to my lips in response to Annie and Jessie’s request.

Annie shifted away and disappeared into the bathroom and the sound of the shower gave me a sigh of relief. Jessie’s silhouette, I wanted to disappear with Annie. The room’s temperature rose and so did Jessie’s legs. She tugged my dress and there we were in the steamy shower. Minding and without the belief that “three is a crowd. The walls of the shower seemed to give way and expand for our forms. They molded us together like clay and released with the steam. All shades of browns blended well and poured over those white sheets.

Jessie’s kiss was deep and hard, while Annie’s kisses were softly tickled down my back. I was the creamy swirl in the mocha latte. In the middle of the voluptuous mounds of breast, and the heat of sex on my backside and front. I grind was deep to intertwine and shacked us, well. Jessie adjusted herself on top of me in cowgirl style and Annie led the rodeo with her on my face with my tongue darting in and out to reach her secret pleasures. She tasted like pure candied licorice. I was grinding my hips so rhythmic to Jessies’ smooth and wet clit. She literally purred like a cat in heat. Each sound that escaped us was a signal to slow down or change position. It was safe to say we wanted to keep the momentum going for as long as we could.

“ We better get back in but let’s set a date to talk, ok Phoenix?” Jessie’s words snapped back into time and space. I managed to nod and give a quick thumbs-up, a few of Kelley’s friends were making their way to where Annie and I were. As we walked back into my reality, I headed straight to the ladies’ room to refresh. Kelley hates when I smoke, so I needed mints, mist, and lotioned hands for my return. “You ready to go get her Phoenix!” Jessie jolted with a sly smile and snicker.

I was struggling to find a medium with Jessie. This shit was so bizarre and crazy. I couldn’t’ believe Kelley’s proposal, I fucking had a one-night stand on her with Charles’ mother, a whole fucking threesome. I thought I was cured and healed of all the infidelities. But the shit was fucking phenomenal, got dam!!! Jessie’s pussy infringed my process of healing and years of costly therapy sessions. Her print pulsates me even a week later, she had me wet just thinking back on it. I felt that shit from Deja’s filthy mind which is usually a blackout for me. Jessie was more than my match; more sadistic than Deja and I put together.

We partied until the bartender and the Dj called, “the last call for alcohol.”

Kelley was so ecstatic that she did it. While my mind and body felt so erratic because I wanted to feel my fingers and tongue inside of Jessie. I wanted to feel her well-endowed clit gliding over mine. I wanted to feel the cumming of us together in syn. I imagined our pulsating pussies erupting.

“Phoenix, I love you and so glad you are gonna be my forever,” slurred out Kelley's mouth before she rolled over to go into her deep slumber like a bear. I had to go to the living room to get to sleep or stop thinking about Jessie. She was the MILF; comparabily I wanted to drink her like a glass of water to quench my thirst.

She came in with her black patent leather boots and t-strings, to match the whip. “Deja you ready? I heard you’ve been a bad girl” She made her way swiftly to the chaise; where I laid with nothing but my t-shirt on. She took her black razor-sharp nail to rip my shirt open. My nipples were erect and my clit tingled with anticipation. I begged for her to whip me. I got in position on my tiptoes and leaned into the chaise. Facedown, ass up!!! She was not light in her strikes and I wanted to cum on the sixth stroke. I held the pain and orgasm in along with my breaths. My pride would not let me scream out for the pain and pleasure I wanted it hard and badly. I felt the trickling down my calves and there she used her tongue and worked her way up to penetrate my ass with her strapped dick. She again felt no mercy. The sweet sweat and smell of her; intensified I was being fucked and mind fucked into submission. With each pound, my knees wanted to buckle but she held me tight right up by my hair. I felt the pain, one tear dropped and I fingered my womb to ease the tension. I came and cried so loud.

“Bae, Bae you ok?” Kelley called out to me.

Yes, Kelley, Yes, you can go back to sleep, I am good Bae, love you!!!”, I shouted back to her through the dark hallway.

Kelley went to work that morning with a look of accomplishment. I felt deep down in my soul this was her ego-driven purpose to show everyone that “she got the prize.” It was all for the world to see, “Gays can marry, now!!!!” Brad and Jolie were next to stand in matrimony, WTF!!! All liberal, yeah? Choices and liberation across the U.S booming and blasting in the dawn’s early light. I had been walking a fine line and this trigger was too much for me with Jessie. Jessie indeed was a beautiful woman and fit my sexual compatibility. She and I had unfinished business. I wanted more and she wanted more. Annie was a bonus yet a distraction to the magnetizing pull I felt between Jessie and me.

She and I had to meet again and put the fire to the pot.

Her voice alone turned me on. It all felt so pure to hear, see, feel, taste, and breath in her pleasantries. We had to meet; again and it happened without a hesitant. Her curvaceous body in the red satin dress set the temperatures high. The chill from outside was dismissed in the essence of the mid-afternoon of this Wednesday. We knew the meeting would have to be quick, considering there was only an hour and a half before Kelley made it home from work.

Her fingers slid in and out of my wetness. She finger fucked me while I was in a doggy style position, as she fingering her own wetness. Each time I gripped her fingers, she moaned and went in deeper to her pleasure pot and zone. I loved the sound of this ocean of lust. There we were one, two, and three orgasms back to back. Ecstasy, this pill could be so tranquilizing; a stress reliever for any undue disorder. We scissor fucked and played with the idea of cumming together but withheld until she was sitting like the dom she was on my face and her face buried me deep. “Ahh, Ahh…” we were getting close. I felt her pussy pulsating as my mine mimicked, our moan became intense “...Ahh. Ahh...Yesss… Yes…” we were cumming, and for a minute or so, my body went numb. Time seemed to have frozen. Until the crackling of Charles’ voice broke the ice.

“Oh hell Nooo!” Charlie Boy was in a fetal position before I could get out from underneath Momma Jessie.

Kelley rushed in within seconds of Charles and her voice shattered us all.

“Charles? Phoenix !!!!!”

Jessie and I were speechless, yet naked in a truth.

Truly Not Yours,

Phoenix Blu 1

Works Cited:

Kassel, G. (2019, November 25). Is 'Micro-Cheating' Actually an Issue? Retrieved January 15, 2021, from https://www.healthline.com/health/micro-cheating#takeaway

Brianne Hogan Sep 18, & Hogan, B. (n.d.). Yes, There's a Difference Between Twin Flames, Soulmates, and Karmic Connections-Here's How to Tell. Retrieved December 26, 2020, from

https://hellogiggles.com/love-sex/what-is-a-twin-flame/