Online: Dating and Sex

Are you searching for love or a one night stand?

I don't judge, lord knows I've caught some fine ass on Tinder and thought 'I'd take a chance on that ass'. You know ladies, you come across a man that looks like he could pop your back like a glow stick AND make you walk bow-legged for a week. And then you think to yourself 'I think I'd risk my life for a chance that he'd blow my back out'.

I know, I KNOW, okay? A one night stand isn't going to lead to a lifelong commitment. Some of us don't WANT a lifelong commitment, some of us want to rip the clothes off that buff 6'2" surfer whose built like a Grecian God and also has two of the sweetest dogs you will ever meet.

There is nothing wrong for that if that's what you're looking for. I wish you luck in your endeavor and may your orgasms be plentiful and earth-shattering.

If you are looking for something more in depth, I hope that your dick pics are nil.

Seriously, what is it with guys? Some of these men are just so appalling. I don't understand why some men think 'Hi' means 'f*ck me like you hate me' and proceed to send you pictures of their somewhat disappointing members.

Just last week, a guy sent me a very calm opening message.

“Hey, how’s it going?”

I replied with something equally inviting.

“Hello! I’m doing good, how about you?”

And literally the next thing he sent me was:

“You DTF??? I’m free in about an hour. You like it up the ass? ;) ;P “

….

Are you serious?

Listen up men, I’m about to help your game here: don’t send a message like that. Unless you know the girl you’re sending it to really well. It will not earn you any points, trust me.

This guy got blocked so fast, I barely realized what my fingers were doing. It was like a self-preservation instinct.

My brain sent a message to my fingers saying ‘we are against getting in bed with this guy, he will last 45 seconds and then fall asleep immediately and lie to his friends about it later; also will not handle any criticism or rejections well; probably some high level stalker; get out now.’

I had a link up to my snapchat up for awhile but after 3 days and 47 dick pics, I shut that shit down real quick. Come on people, most of those guys didn’t even send a ‘Hi’ before sending a picture of their nether regions.

Also, just a weird little side note, if you are going to send a picture of your nastiness, why send a picture of your soldier NOT standing at attention? Some men totally half ass it and you know what? If you are gonna send a dick pic, give it your all. A little lighting, little ambience, work it like a runway, okay? IF THAT is the first impression you’re going with, make it a good one.

I digress,

I’ve met a few guys who I am genuinely interested in as a potential boyfriend, but have little to no sex drive. You know what I’m talking about, you can chat and laugh with them but there is no physical chemistry. Even if you innocently flirt about sex, you get nothing in return.

And sometimes you flirt with a guy and send him one cute and flirty pic with your boobs looking fire and then you find out through a very nasty email that he’s married and he’s been lying to you about being single when he really has a wife and three kids and they’re expecting him home. But the wife says she doesn’t blame you because it’s the fourth time it’s happened and now she’s filing for divorce and asks if she can cite you by first name only in the deposition to their lawyer.

What do you do?

What CAN you do?

I told her yes and deleted that lying cheating bastard from hell from my match list.

Now, I’m waiting for a very sexy biochemist to message me back and I’m praying I don’t have to deal with potential wife and kids.

I don’t know if I see a future with him, I know I imagine him pinning me to the bed and making me scream till I’m hoarse.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

But there is something wrong with unsolicited dick pics, so STOP SENDING THEM.