The state of Doms (and kink)

So if you read any of my kinky stuff ever you know that I use a popular kink site. Recently a woman reached out to me on this site with a question. She asked me about what I thought about the growing trend of "Doms" and "Daddys" that don't have actual experience or desire for kink, D/s, or BDSM.

In this post I'm going to use the term "scene" as a way of saying kinky act or a group of kinky acts done to someone.

It seemed to both the lady who reached out and I that so many guys really just want sex and focus on their part or needs, with zero care and concern for the subs/bottoms. They don't care about learning anything about the kink.

Now there is no problem with not having experience, but the problem lies in not wanting to learn. These Doms this girl was describing are men not willing to learn because they don't care about BDSM. They just want kinky sex.

There are some people who just think that being a dom is all about bossing someone around. That obviously isn't all it is. Plus submission is given but not immediately. There is also people that don't realize that dynamics and relationships are basically the same thing. People describe dynamics as like one of things. Dynamics are anything that involve communications, boundaries and such. This could even include friends with benefits.

The problem also doesn't lie in just wanting sex or not caring about BDSM. The problem lies with them being on a site for BDSM listing themselves as doms when they don't care. It's false advertising and does a disservice to everyone involved.

If you don't want to learn especially as a dom it is dangerous. As a dom if you don't learn you can hurt someone. If you don't know what you are doing as a sub you will get hurt and/ or just accept anything. Fake doms have literally killed and kidnapped people.

BDSM is much more than sex. There are layers of trust and experience that goes into it beyond sex. These fake Doms just want kinky sex. Maybe they have some fetishes. We do need to talk about the difference between having fetishes and being into BDSM.

So BDSM is about scenes and dynamics. It's also about learning and evolving. These men (and even sometimes women) aren't about any of that. They want to continue on their path without a second thought to anyone else.

There are people who do have fetishes and people who are kinky. These people probably don't have any interest in having a bdsm dynamics. They probably just want to tie their partner up (or be tied up) every so often. They may even want to do a scene with their partner every so often just to spice things up.

I am so tired of seeing this community being reduced to just sex. I feel like by reducing this lifestyle down to sex people lose out on a lot. You can have some amazing fun and great connection with people.

I wrote about the death of men (https://vocal.media/humans/the-death-of-the-man). This is a big problem in the lifestyle. Men think they can hide in the lifestyle when we have gotten a lot smarter. I hate that I have to use my platform on here to all out terrible behavior but sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

I want to see a paradime shift back to the days when being labeled as a dom or master or daddy meant something. It meant that they were interested in bonding and earning her submission, not just humping her for 3 minutes and passing out.