Fake it Till You Make It

So, for the first time in about 7 years I'm single and it's an odd feeling.

Not because I'm not going out to dinner or movies with anyone and no one texts or calls every day saying they love me.

It's the sex I miss.

But to be honest, it was mediocre at best.

Why is it that men always start off strong in the bedroom in the first like 3 months? But then you're lucky to get them to last more than 10 minutes and get you at least halfway to an orgasm.

It's like getting a free trial for a program and once it's over, all you get is the bare minimum. You could even pay to get more features but after a half hour on your knees doing every trick with your tongue that you studied on Cosmo.com but it barely does you any good.

So, now, as a single woman in my late 20's (weird to write that out) I am responsible for my own orgasms and let me just say:

I am a strong, independent woman who DEFINITELY don't need no man.

I have two vibrators and a subscription to OnlyFans featuring some rugged Scotsmen purring in those delicious accents. I don't use both vibrators at the same time, and no I haven't named them, and it's not like one has a designated purpose over the other. One just has better options than the other.

I should buy stock in Energizer batteries to be honest, because wow they do not last long in those orgasm machines.

It's so wonderful to get pleasure and not have to worry about someone else getting theirs. I get to do it for however long I like and in any way I'd like and no one gets to decide it but me.

Oh, the power of self-pleasure is such a freeing concept to behold.

My Ex once asked me to bring my toy on a trip we were taking out of town. The minute I brought it out he tried to throw it away. He said that he was responsible for my orgasms and he wasn't going to compete with it. I spent $50 on it and like hell I was gonna let him just throw it in a dumpster behind a Marriott.

James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser deserves better than that.

...okay I lied, I did name them.

The other one is Ragnar.

Don't judge me, lots of women name them.

I digress.

My most recent Ex asked me to take out a toy while he stayed at my place and when I did, it took him 15 minutes to turn it on and then he held it against me for maybe a minute and thought that was enough and then struggled to turn it off and then climbed on top and finished in 3 minutes.

I did not.

I faked an orgasm just so he'd stop asking if he was better than the toy.

Not to brag, but I deserve an Oscar for faking orgasms. The key is to ask your partner if they can tell when you finish and then whatever they say, you do to fake it and get it done with.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy sex or anything, because I f*&%ing love it, but sometimes you can only take so much of your man asking if your close every 5 seconds and he's not doing anything different to encourage you to finish.

It's not encouraging.

God forbid you admit you're not close, I did that with one guy and he pulled away and started crying that he can never please a girl and how ugly he was and wretched he was and why would no one ever give him a chance. Even though I was a naked girl in his bed willingly and I had told him I loved him.

Go figure.

The pity party never ends for some men.

Insert eye roll.

One guy figured out that I faked an orgasm, like 6 months prior, and he whined about it for weeks and refused to touch me.

First of all, EVERY. WOMAN. HAS. FAKED. IT.

Yeah, even your girlfriend or wife.

It's not about you though, it's about the fact that yes at first we were into it but 30 minutes later, when we realize we're not gonna peak, we just want to go to bed.

I wish we as women could be more open in general about pleasure, and when we're not receiving it. However there are men out there who get so butthurt about it that they don't do anything to change the act, they just blame us women and basically make us fake enjoy ourselves.

It's not that hard to change things up a little.

So, I'm definitely enjoying my time bringing myself to orgasm. #noshame