Intellectual Intercourse: Finances and Fishnets — The Art of Financial Domination

"Don't yuck someone else's yum" is a common maxim in sex-positive communities. However, there are still some kinks and fetishes that get side-eyed. People who have no issue with folks engaging in sadism or watersports can start to kink shame when it comes to financial domination, “findom” for short. Findom is a D/s dynamic that involves a Findom or Findomme and a finsub. As with DD/lg, pet play, or any other D/s pairing, no two relationships are going to look exactly alike. But, in the broadest terms, the Findom(me) demands cash, and the finsub sends it—usually referred to simply as sending, a tribute, or in more extreme cases, a wallet drain.

There's a perception of the practice as being predatory. And that can be true, but it's much in the same way that any D/s dynamic can be unhealthy. A lot of aspects of BDSM can be abusive without consent. Let's use spanking as an example. My wife and I enjoy spanking. If I spank my wife with negotiation and informed consent, then it's sexy, fun times. If I do it without that, it's domestic violence. Now, my wife is NOT into degradation. She doesn't want to be called a dirty little slut. There are plenty of people for whom that is a turnon, but it isn't for her. If I do that to my wife, it's verbal and emotional abuse.

Chris has been a Findom for about six years. He explains, "BDSM in general needs trust, and a niche like findom requires a lot of trust. So this can be a very intimate kink—even if it looks very materialistic from the outside at first."

"Consent is key," says Huntress Diamond, who has been a Findomme for four years now. "I wish people would understand that we are not babysitters. We won't force anyone to send us money if they don't want to. The person sending the money chose to send it to us."

And that consent goes both ways. Storm Elliot, @vanillafreesex on Twitter, never considered herself an official Findom. But while she worked as a topless dancer, she did have a submissive who wanted to be financially dominated. Elliot describes her experience on her blog. She was okay with feeding his desire by demanding he pay her. “For him, I believe the money aspect of our encounters was about humiliation more than anything.” Eventually, his desire for humiliation and degradation went beyond her comfort zone. He wanted to pay her to “make” him drink her urine. That’s where the dynamic ended. But one person’s no is someone else’s yes, or at least eh, why not, and Elliot referred him to a coworker willing to indulge him.

While it’s not always present, there is quite a lot of degradation in the findom community. Some of the more colorful names referring to finsubs are paypig, human ATM, and wallet. These dehumanizing terms might feed into a widespread perception of findom as inherently predatory. But does it differ that much from the people who get off on being called a cock hungry whore or cum dumpster?

That isn’t to say that there aren’t predators in these spaces. Zane has been a finsub for about a year while he’s been exploring his kink with a safe Dom:

I definitely see a lot of predatory actions in the findom community. One of the things I hate to see is when someone ends up sending more than they can afford. A lot of times, this is due to low self-esteem or depression and seeking that high that makes them feel good about themselves, and quite a few findoms take advantage of it. Not all subs have these issues, and not all Doms prey on those issues, but when it occurs, it can be very dangerous.

Bry’s experience confirms a lot of what Zane said. He’s currently in a findom recovery chat, attempting to overcome what has become an addiction for him. “You need to be in a good headspace or accept your place as a paypig in order to engage in financial domination.” He admits he’s not in a good headspace. “I get to feel so horrible about myself that the utter humiliation satiates my desire for ruination so much that it would give me the biggest high that I can’t achieve with literally anything else.” He craves that euphoria, even though he knows it’s damaging. “Moral of the story, be careful, learn the risks, and be safe in engaging with financial domination.”

But that doesn’t differ too much from other kink spaces or life in general. You can always find toxic and abusive people who prey on the vulnerable.

Some exist at the opposite end of that spectrum. While working as a Findom, Mistress Wyvern practiced what she calls “Ethical findoming.”

I never just took money from them. I would make them do things like open up investment accounts, and pay extra on their credit cards, give to charity, all while only having a very small set amount for spending money. That spending money would be sent to me as punishment for breaking rules. They could get extra privileges by spending that money on me or someone else.

The hows and whys of becoming a Findom differ from person to person. Mistress Wyvern was a professional domme, before adding financial domination to her list of services. Chris was a Dom who’d always done “BDSM for fun and for free” until during a spanking session his sub, “more or less whimpered that he wants to pay me.”

Veronica had been a domme for a year before she gave findoming a try. Her inspiration for taking the leap was “100% because I needed more money for textbooks.”

And Veronica isn’t the only Findom(me) who’s been motivated by academic expenses. Evan, a finsub, has a domme she pays weekly. “She’s currently in college studying psychology. My payments help her pay for classes, books, and even her meals sometimes.” In return her findom, “controls my orgasms and when I can and can’t masturbate.”

The appeal of being a finsub closely mirrors submissive in non-financial D/s dynamics. Evan enjoys having “someone who can take control and make decisions for me when I feel the pressures of adulthood.” Zane says he gets a rush from being called a “Good Boy” after sending or getting his Dom something off their Amazon wishlist. Pleasing their Dom pleases them. It just so happens that pleasing their Dom tends to involve gifts of cash or other material possessions. Evan says, “For me, it’s about helping people who may need a little extra support in life. It makes me feel better about myself when I know I’ve helped make life easier for someone deserving.”

One of Huntress Diamond’s subs, who goes by Huntress Diamond’s Piggy, describes himself as a lifestyle submissive. “When I am sending her money, not as payment for content or a session, the D/s relationship can become much deeper.” For him, the appeal of being a finsub comes from what he sees as a much more intimate relationship than he could get in other forms of D/s dynamics.

It’s an incredible way to be dominated. It extends beyond a session. When you are working to earn money. When shopping. Trying to save as much as possible. It becomes a part of your daily life. Many Dommes even make a budget for their subs, controlling how much they spend on everything and also what they save, giving the dominant ultimate control over every aspect of their life — not just the kink aspect.

Except for Bry, the finsubs I talked to had very positive things to say about their experience. Huntress Diamond’s Piggy says, “There are so many subs I know whose lives have dramatically improved by serving their Dommes, who have very rewarding D/s relationships.” Zane says his Dom “helped me with quitting smoking, budgeting my finances, my self-esteem, and depression, and even helped me design my first tattoo.” Evan is currently unemployed and pays her Domme out of her savings. She’s had a lot of anxiety to deal with, “but the satisfaction I get from our dynamic is making me want to work through it and start looking for work again.”

And while there are the dangers associated with people getting addicted to the rush they feel after sending, Zane describes one of the draws of finsubing as “being able to experience being submissive without having to expose yourself by telling the Dom your name or even showing a picture, or without being put in a position that can easily turn from fun to abuse without an easy way to escape is a huge appeal for a lot of subs that are very private with their personal kinks.”

Huntress Diamond defines true Financial Domination as “the act of sending money to your Dominant without expecting anything in return. You’re sending me money because I exist, because you worship me.” But that doesn’t mean there isn’t work involved in being a Findom(me).

I wish people would understand that findom is not a get rich quick kinda thing. It’s hard work sometimes putting yourself out there for others to find you and to help yourself stand out. It takes time to produce findom-style content and weeding out timewasters* and dealing with abusive men who are mad that they can’t afford you.

(Timewasters in the finsub community are exactly what they sound like. They are those who ask for, and sometimes demand, attention from a Findom(me) without paying tribute.)

Findoming is sex work. Sex work is work and the least we can do is be supportive and not kink shame. There are risks to findoming. Bry’s experiences show that. But engaging in any kink has risks. For some, that’s the appeal. There’s danger to things like breath play or edge play. But even a dangerous fetish can be practiced in relative safety with the right people. And while any D/s dynamic can be abusive if not done carefully, according to Huntress Diamond’s Piggy, “Findom can be very beautiful when practiced correctly by those who it is honestly a fetish of theirs.” Informed consent, able to be withdrawn at any time, is essential, just as with any other safe BDSM activities. Findoming isn’t all that different from other aspects of control and surrender. Though, if you ask Mistress Wyvern, it goes beyond that. “People are so attached to their money, and in our society, money is like a god. To give up control of your money to someone else is the ultimate submission.”