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Intellectual Intercourse: Mind the Gap

Why are straight women the least likely to achieve orgasm?

By Guy WhitePublished about a year ago 6 min read
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(Some names have been changed to protect anonymity.)

Women in relationships with men are the least likely group to achieve orgasm during sex. In a study published in 2017, only 65% of these women said they regularly reached orgasm during sex with a partner. That’s 30% fewer than men. Many things can account for anorgasmia — a chronic inability to achieve orgasm while receiving what would otherwise be adequate sexual stimulation. Certain hormonal issues, physical abnormalities, trauma, and medications can cause problems. But that can’t possibly account for the entirety of the 30% difference.

At its most basic, there are certain biological factors to consider. Only 25% of women can climax from penetration alone. And there’s another hurdle. The time for most cis men to achieve orgasm after penetration is 6 minutes. For cis women, it’s 13.4 minutes. Even those of us who are bad at math can probably see the problem here. So what can be done to close the gap?

The study revealed some of what separated the women who regularly orgasmed from those that didn’t. According to the survey, the women in the 65% were more likely to:

receive more oral sex, have longer duration of last sex, be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed, call/email to tease about doing something sexual, wear sexy lingerie, try new sexual positions, anal stimulation, act out fantasies, incorporate sexy talk, and express love during sex. Women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse.

(I’m curious why sex toys aren’t listed or if that got categorized as manual genital stimulation. If not, that was a significant oversight.)

And while this reads like a list you could check off, it’s a little more complicated than that. We have eons worth of sexual shame and guilt to undo. Some people are further along on this journey than others, but that doesn’t invalidate the struggle of those who still have progress to make. Some of us have trauma we still need to work through. For many people, asking for what you want in bed requires trust, which usually doesn’t happen overnight. Many women take time to feel like they can trust someone enough to ask for what they want.

And there’s always a certain level of risk women face with men, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Comedian Louis C.K. summed it up nicely.

If you’re a guy, try to imagine that you could only date a half-bear, half-lion. “Oh, I hope this one’s nice. I hope he doesn’t do what he’s going to do.”

Though, it has since been revealed how autobiographical the joke was. Which really goes to show why a woman might be wary. Even someone who says all the right things can just as likely be an asshole or worse.

It’s hard to tell how a man will react to, “Hey, I like it better when you….” Some might be enthusiastic about actually pleasing their partner and be willing to change. Others can react in a whole host of ways that can range from hurtful to deadly. So if you get past that stage and learn to trust, then you’ve spent the time pretending to be satisfied, and now you care about someone and don’t want to hurt their feelings. This is one of the reasons women fake orgasms.

Tori is a nonbinary femme who has been with their husband for close to 10 years now. When things started out:

I was faking to protect his ego since I care about him. However, that was early in our relationship, and we were both young and pretty inexperienced. We started communicating more, and that helped a lot.

The most common element to sexual satisfaction, mentioned over and over, is communication. There’s plenty of advice out there about how to start the conversation. But even if you manage to make that happen, it isn’t always a straight line. Amy, 33, has spent more than a decade with her now-husband.

The times when my relationship is the most sexually gratifying are when we are on the same page and effectively communicating our needs. When we get to a point where we lose that communication, the satisfaction wanes. It takes a lot to get back on track.

While this trust and communication may be easier to build in long-term relationships, it’s not certain. Nola, 37, was married for 10 years and didn’t have a single orgasm from partnered sex the entire time.

The orgasm gap was not just because of my spouse… I sought a safe relationship without communication due to my past triggers and traumas. Once I started loving myself again, I was able to move forward and progress toward healthy relationships.

But it shouldn’t be solely on the women and femmes to start these conversations. Men need to actively participate and check in with their partners. But there’s a delicate balance here. Orgasms are nice, but the “have you come yet,” and overly goal-oriented sex can make it harder to climax.

Tori’s relationship with their husband took a turn for the better when the couple started communicating, but it didn’t happen overnight.

He started asking me if I came and how many times. At first, that stressed me out a little like he was putting me on the spot, but we talked more, and I realized he was genuinely invested in my pleasure, too, because he also cared. I learned it was ok to be honest with him when I wasn’t coming, and he didn’t mind doing more even after penetration, etc., to get me there.

@Dixie_Babbit, a 36-year-old woman who describes herself as terminally single, has her own take on this pressure. Her relationships have predominantly been one-night stands. She’s figured out how to take care of herself, so she doesn’t feel like orgasm is necessary in her brief relationships. She feels like many men are overcompensating and putting expectations out there about how many orgasms a woman should have before the job is done right.

I’m glad people are aware there is an orgasm gap, but the pressure that puts on your partner to perform that, even if you’re trying to make an effort, is still pressure. It’s just the flip side of “lie back and think of England.” It’s the idea that if he’s making an effort, you should be able to come no matter what other factors there may be.

More than a few women have faked an orgasm just to get the sex to end because a partner was over-eager and decided things couldn’t stop until an orgasm happened. Even for people who regularly climax during partnered sex, sometimes, for whatever reason, orgasm just won’t happen.

Years ago, while exploring Reddit, Babbit stumbled upon a pearl of wisdom from a couple who both suffered from chronic anorgasmia. Since neither of them could achieve orgasm, their approach to sex was: Just have fun, until it’s not fun. Then stop. “It was the healthiest approach to a sexual relationship because of the level of communication that required.”

The orgasm gap is a problem but not an insurmountable one. Anyone in a relationship, from a one-night stand to a decades-long marriage, should be aware of it. While plenty of men ascribe to the “Doesn’t matter had sex” philosophy of getting their nut and leaving, this really hasn’t been written for them. If they legitimately don’t care, then all the statistics and testimonials are meaningless. However, there are plenty of men who would like to close the gap, but may not be aware a partner has fallen into it. And while in a perfect world, the orgasm gap wouldn’t exist, we don’t live in a perfect world. The conversations would come naturally and easily in a slightly less-perfect world, but we don’t live there either. Men will have to learn to stow their egos, back off on their boasting, and have an honest conversation about their partner’s pleasure.

relationships
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About the Creator

Guy White

I write about sweet-hearted guys in sexy situations. Respectfully naughty. Sometimes funny & always dyslexic and ADHD. 37 he/him 💍

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