How I almost got MURDERED on a GRINDR DATE!

Grindr, the source of every curious man's satisfaction. Don't deny it, if you are male and reading this, you've thought about dancing with the devil before (or just engaging in some foreplay with another man).

I am the twink that receives many unsolicited penis pictures, alongside many guys who wish to meet anonymously and with my pent-up sexual frustration, it is a blessing and a curse in disguise.

With all these men throwing themselves at me, I really am spoilt for choice. However, one of them stands out above all the rest for the most chaotic, horrifying date ever.

It was Summer last year, I was a bottle of Pinot Grigio in and I was feeling... frisky.

I was stumbling around my room, dancing to High School Musical and wondering if I would ever find love. I knew I needed some male attention before I cracked open the bottle of Glen's Vodka that was just calling my name from my desk.

I swiped my phone and opened up Grindr and saw a man who must have literally been sat on my roof, as Grindr said he was only 5m away.

In the midst of my grape-fuelled haze, I tapped away a message that read something along the lines of "meet now", however it didn't quite articulate that way. He understood nontheless. This is the beauty of gay men, we can detect when someone is in need of a special type of attention, without them saying very much.

He was faceless however, I had no clue what he looked like, aside from the fact he was 176.22cm tall, of average build and apparently had curly ginger hair. I carefully visualised the man, and he ended up looking something like this (in my head he did).

He also described himself as a versatile, which I knew meant he would be a total trainwreck. Versatile's are so indecisive, they are the worst kind of gay. You are either the postman or the postbox, you can't do a split shift in the gay world. However, the Pinot Grigio was just massaging my brain into thoughts of the steamy encounter that lay ahead of me.

I grabbed all my essentials - condoms, lube and tomatoes (it's just a running joke now okay get over it) and left. He literally lived 3 doors down from me, which in the bigger picture is a disaster. Imagine me walking to university and seeing him just putting his recycling bins out, that is just what nightmares are made of.

I was too deep in my wine coma to care, and knocked on his door.

I didn't know what to do. He was stood, naked in his doorway. He was of an average build, or so I thought. It was hard to tell under the rug he seemed to have Pritt Sticked to his chest - HE WAS SO HAIRY! He smelt like cigarettes and whiskey and spoke in a very rusty sort of tone. It's the sort of voice someone who is constipated would have.

He also had a very strange look about him, I was confused as to why he was stood in pitch black and so I asked him:

Me: Why are you stood in the dark?

Him: My daughter is asleep.

HIS OWN DAUGHTER WAS ASLEEP.

Now this is awkward, do I ask him how she is? Or, how old she is? Or do I just get straight down to business?

He slowly took my hand and pulled me inside his freaky sex dungeon. I fell up the stairs, due to my drunk state and as he was looking over me, he pulled something out, now it was very dark but I could hear the clink of metal.

I knew this was it. It was the end of my life, I just couldn't believe this is how I was going to die. Inside the house of a sex-crazed killer, while his infant daughter is asleep, probably dreaming of unicorns and having a normal dad who doesn't meet twinks in the middle of the night.

I closed my eyes and debated screaming...

I screamed. I had to.

He quickly scrambled and turned the light on. I saw that he was holding a pair of handcuffs and I thought to myself "Oh no."

I heard some scurrying upstairs and a young gentle voice shout "Daddy?". I knew this was my time to make a swift move, not to arouse suspicion as that was the only thing that was evidently getting aroused in this hook-up.

I quickly ran home and text my friends to say that I had almost been murdered... well not quite murdered... but almost tied up against my will (saying that now, I do enjoy some light BDSM, but at the time it just wouldn't have felt right.)

Note to self: Don't meet anonymous men off Grindr, they probably have kids and handcuffs.

The end.

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Twitter - @hyperhomo1