BDSM Explained: Submissive

Hello again and welcome back to another installment of SubSays. I’m excited to announce a new series of articles called “BDSM Explained” where I take basic concepts of the wonderful world of BDSM and completely explain them in their entirety. If you have any suggestions for future articles, of if there’s something in particular that you’d like an answer to, head on over to my twitter @SubSaysHello where I will respond within 24hours!

Without further ado, let’s explain what exactly a “submissive” is.

From the beginning, what's a submissive?

“Submissive” by definition is someone who is willing and ready to conform to an authority figure, typically this person would be more passive, subdued, quiet or docile in nature. The term “submissive” has been tossed around throughout history to describe this type of person, regularly used in sayings like “she’s too submissive to take the lead,” generally describing someone who doesn’t have the necessary leadership qualities to “take the spotlight” or be in the position of authority.

In BDSM specifically, this could not be more true. In the community, “submissive” refers to a broad spectrum of people, all with differing objectives and roles, but nonetheless all have the inherent belief that they should be serving authority. Some examples of roles on the submissive spectrum would be a slave, little, brat, pet, kitten, babygirl and slut—it’s BDSM 101 to know that no two submissives are actually the same, nor should they ever be treated the same, just as no two Dominants are the same.

For the purpose of this article, I’m just going to be exploring what being a true “service submissive” entails, for ease of explaining and because I’ll soon be coming out with other articles outlining the other roles themselves. So please stay tuned for that!

Submission in History

We know at this point that BDSM has been around for the vast majority of our history. In literature, the Story of O, which was published in French in 1954 specifically looks at female sexual submission. In another example, women weren’t even allowed to rule in Japan until closer to 552 A.D. when Buddhism from China would be introduced. Women in ancient Egypt faced a similar reality as well. Throughout history, different aspects of power exchange, a hierarchy and the right to rule shaped people’s roles without even being called D/s!

Submissive roles in history are (thankfully) quite far from where we as a community are now. We practice SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) kink, often making lengthy contracts with Dominants so that we as submissives are playing safety with clear expectations on how to serve, by what protocol, and when. Thankfully, there is no “forced” submission anymore, a reality that many housekeepers, gardeners, maids and (historically) slaves, were made to endure every day. Many people in the community will adapt various practices from more historically traditional BDSM and use that in their dynamics, like the classic lowercases for “submissive,” Uppercases for “Dominant.” I personally am under protocol to address my Dominant with this in mind, but for the purpose of these articles, I’ve chosen to leave them out. I would highly encourage all newbies to also research Traditional BDSM, or the Leather Culture (can you tell I’ve got a soft spot for traditional submission!?)

So fast forward to the present - What does being a submissive actually look like?

Starting from the beginning, I think it’s extremely important for the submissive to really understand what they are capable of giving their Dominant before entering any lengthy contracted D/s relationship. That way, they have a complete understanding of what they are bringing to the table, and the Dominant knows exactly what can be expected of them.

The key there is that the submissive’s and the Dominant’s capabilities, wants and needs have to match to have a harmonious relationship. There have been too many times where friends of mine in the community have entered an unhealthy relationship because they didn’t know what exactly they wanted, and were hoping that the Dominant would help them figure it out somehow. Yes, it is a responsibility of a Dominant to aid in their submissive’s growth, but there’s no way that it would be a healthy relationship if you don’t even understand yourself well enough to serve someone else.

So now say you’ve made a basic profile for yourself as a submissive. You’ve looked at all available aspects of the kink world and figured out exactly what you’re looking for. Considered things like your main kinks, what aspects of kink would be considered a hard limit and what are soft limits, and you know where you currently stand on the submissive spectrum. Let’s find a Dominant!

Now you’ve met your Dominant either through an online source, or in person at a social gathering or a munch, and you’ve both begun the courting process. Some people in the community will refer to this as the submissive “being under consideration” and the Dominant being “considering” the submissive for a collar. This is a super fun time where you can both explore what aspects of your dynamic you want to foster, but also to weed out any relationships that just aren’t lining up.

Should everything go smoothly, the submissive will find that they have an inherent reverence for the Dominant, almost a need to serve and be close to them. Continuing down this path will consist of a solid discussion between all involved parties as to what the relationship is leading to. Some dynamics will stay in a more casual D/s dynamic, some will move towards ownership and collaring!

Let’s break this down even further.

How does a submissive serve their Dominant?

Service can be fostered with protocol that the submissive must follow to appease their Dominant. Protocol can be described as a series of habitualistic rules and guidelines for the submissive to follow, or some more involved “rules.” Some examples of these could be that the submissive will always be the one driving the car, that they must open all doors for their Dominant, that they must always follow their Dominant to the right and behind, or even something as fun as having to be the one to fetch all drinks and food for their Dominant. This is where we get to have so much fun in coming up with a set list of protocol that benefits both the submissive’s need to serve and the Dominant’s expectations! The world is really your oyster when it comes to creating protocols.

In general, it can normally be assumed that the submissive will always be thinking of their Dominant, or having them in mind since all actions on their part reflect immediately on Them! This is especially important in the community at social events, munches or play parties. As a personal example, I have always made it top of mind to respond to my Dominant’s text messages as soon as humanely possible. It’s the little things that can make your Dominant’s day! I hope to be coming out with an article soon outlining some ways to “Make a Dom Smile,” which should be a very fun read.

I think it’s about time to also point out that not all submissives are masochists. Not all submissives enjoy or want to participate in impact play. I believe it’s a common misconception that all s-types want to be completely pummeled at the whim of their Dominant (I mean, as clearly portrayed by all classic BDSM-type literature), and that all s-types are in it for sexual gratification. Lemme make this very clear, you do NOT have to participate in anything that you do not want to, and being a submissive strictly devoted to serving their Dominant is a beautiful thing. You just have to find a Dominant that matches your submissive.

In a swift conclusion so I don’t ramble on, being a submissive isn’t a scary thing. It’s a very safe thing, and an immense feeling of being wanted, needed and necessary in the Dominant’s life is something that should be cherished and celebrated. Not all submissives have bruises, or sit on the floor at all times, or have to be chained to their Dominant’s bed. Submission can look as simple as basic protocol from a “bottom’s” perspective!

Just remember, "your kink is not my kink." Never judge someone for the BDSM journey that they're on.

Thanks again for the read, and please stay tuned for some more exciting articles in this series to come out! Have a suggestion, a question, or just want to talk to me? Tweet me at @SubSaysHello and we can chat about it!

XX L.C.