Asexuality

First thing is first, sex and sexuality is nowhere near as complicated or confusing as we’re making it out to be. The confusing and complicated parts show up when you realize there’s a difference between intimacy, physical intimacy, and sex.

To make things simple, since it’s not the point of this article, intimacy is any kind of shared affection, physical intimacy is touching a person in a private area of their body or environment (with their shared consent!), and sex is when one orifice of a person engages physically with another orifice of a separate human’s body. Boom. Simple.

Speaking from very personal experience, asexuality is pretty straightforward. We don’t want to have sex.

For some reason, people tend to start insinuating things and asking all kinds of weird questions, but it is really that simple. People who are asexual don’t want to have sex. That’s the entire story of asexuality. It’s not that we’re scared of sex, that we had a traumatic sexual experience, that we just haven’t tried it yet, that we’ve only had bad sex, that we don’t know what we want, that we’re non-committal, that we’re unemotional, that we don’t want a relationship, that we don’t want to touch other people, that we don’t masturbate, OR that we won’t engage in sex. Yes, those are all things real people have inquired about towards me.

Therefore, since there seems to be so much confusion about this pretty basic idea, I thought I’d explain it in a few different ways to help those who want to know what asexuality is.

Metaphor 1 – Coca-Cola

Here’s the best metaphor I’ve come up with to try and explain it to people. Imagine sex was a liquid that you didn’t actually need to drink in order to survive. It’s not bad for you, but your body would technically be healthy without it.

Most people have trouble with that idea because they see sex as water. They literally don’t see a world where they can live without it. They will go through crazy lengths to get some and even crazier lengths to get more. I can’t blame them since, from their perspective, all they’re doing is trying to drink life-giving water to stay healthy.

The type of water people like to drink ranges from tap, filtered, sparkling, flavored, fruit infused, and more. Some people don’t understand why others would drink what they consider to be inferior water. Some people walk around and take water from others. Some people buy the water. People act differently about the water, but they all see it as water.

Asexuals see sex as soda.

They could go their whole lives without it and be perfectly fine. They might try it if somebody asked them to. They might have tried soda in the past, and enjoyed it, but really don’t see a reason to keep drinking it. They might hate the idea of soda so vehemently that they refuse to even touch one of the bottles. Soda is not a liquid they need to drink to stay healthy.

Just like with the water, there are all kinds of different sodas, but the type of soda doesn’t matter to asexuals. They don’t want to drink soda regardless of its brand or flavor. However, that doesn’t mean that they hate all soda, or they won’t regularly partake of certain flavors they find tolerable. Asexuals act differently about the soda, but they all see it as soda.

Notice that neither group is wrong or right. They both have a personal preference about the world that they find enjoyable even if they express it in different ways from other people with the same perspective.

Metaphor 2 – Art

One question I get quite often is, “If you don’t want to have sex, why are you attracted to people based on their appearance?” Up until recently, I never had a concrete answer because I couldn’t explain it myself. Then, a brilliant young woman posted a metaphor she uses to explain asexuality to people who ask.

If you see a beautiful work of art that inspires joy in you, then you would probably want the artwork. If possible, you would bring the artwork back home to be with you forever where you could admire its beauty every day. However, that doesn’t mean you want to have sex with it. It doesn’t mean that you’re comfortable with any piece of art. It needs to be special to you because it’s going to be a piece of art you care for and love.

Maybe it’s not the physical beauty of the artwork you find so appealing. It could be the art’s history, the way it speaks to you, the way being around it makes you feel, the sound, the smell, or the way it stimulates your mind. People love their art for all kinds of reasons; some people just also like having sex with it.

Plain English

The key word here is want. We all engage in activities that we don’t want to do because it’s a foundation of reality that we can’t do what we want all the time. For example, some people don’t want to do laundry, but they wash their clothes anyways for one reason or another. In the case of asexuals, there isn’t a societal rule that dictates any individual engage in sex at any time ever. Therefore, since they don’t want to do it and there is nothing saying they must do it, it is very likely that they will never do it.

When it comes down to specific people, I offer the same advice I’d offer for any person when trying to figure out what that person wants in a relationship; ask them. The sexual labels we give ourselves are supposed to quickly and efficiently relay information about whom we want to engage in sex with. I know not to try and sleep with a woman who tells me she’s a lesbian because I understand from that label that she is not sexually interested in me. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. It doesn’t even mean that we can’t date or get married.

If I want to know more about this lesbian woman and what she wants out of a relationship, I need to ask her.

It’s the same with asexuals. The label tells you they don’t want to have sex. To learn anything else about their desires you need to ask them about it. Here are some great follow up questions to ask a person you’re interested in who tells you they are asexual.

“Are you comfortable with cuddling or other forms of physical affection?”

“What gender, if any, do you feel romantic feelings for?”

“Would you be willing to try sex just to see if you can tolerate it?”

“Would you be able to preform sex at least twice a week to satisfy my needs?”

“For you, does that also mean you wouldn’t participate in some form of BDSM?”

And, my personal favorite, “What are you looking for in a relationship?”

Try not to ask these questions in an obvious uncomfortable or uncertain tone because there’s no need to be uncomfortable. They told you a fact about themselves and now you’re asking follow-up questions just like you would if they told you they were a frog breeder or never wore sneakers. Also, let me reiterate that these are questions for a person, or people, you are romantically pursuing (or at least someone comfortable sharing personal details with you). You wouldn’t ask a stranger these questions if they were straight, gay, bi, or otherwise, so don’t go asking these personal questions to a stranger just because they’re asexual.