The Weirdly Watching Wall

If walls could talk, what story would they tell you?

I’m the brick wall in apartment 6B, and I wished I could smile as I watched the new couple move into my apartment. I’ve been watching couples move in and out since eighteen ninety three. Every type of person has lived inside my apartment, from working class families to up and coming jazz musicians. I had a rock star stay inside me once, he managed to chase off the neighbors before I could chase him off. I wasn’t intentionally trying to scare people away. I’m just bored and trying to have a little fun. I wish somebody would understand how boring it is being stuck in place twenty four hours a day.

“I’m glad you two like the apartment. Just as a final disclosure, the brick wall over there likes to watch you, and it’s kind of a pervert,” Jan, the apartment manager said.

“What do you mean, ‘likes to watch? Is there a camera on the wall or something? We could just remove the…” Tim started to say.

“No, no. Think of the wall as a living, breathing entity. We’ve had several complaints about the wall over the years. The wall is disrespectful, sarcastic, and worst of all, nosy. It likes to watch people during their most private, intimate moments. I highly suggest not setting up your couch over there. Especially since you two probably want your privacy,” Jan said.

“Well, that’s just ridiculous,” Chrissy said.

“If you don’t believe me, why don’t you two start kissing in front of the wall?” Jan said.

“That’s right, kiss,” I mumbled.

Tim and Chrissy walked in front of me and started kissing.

“Ggggrrrr… make it a French kiss,” I shouted.

“What the hell?” Tim asked.

“Kiss me again,” Chrissy said. They started kissing.

“Oh yah,” I said in a deep, echoing voice

“What the hell is this? Is the wall possessed?” Tim asked.

“Nobody knows. The wall came with the original apartment. It could be magic, it could be an intelligent fungal infection. Anyway, see you guys later,” Jan said and left.

“I don’t think this is legal,” Tim said and ran out the door after Jan.

“Jan, wait. You legally have to disclose everything before we signed the lease. We could sue you for this,” Tim said.

“You could try, but the wall seems to clam up when he’s being recorded or when the police are around. So good luck proving anything. And why do you think the apartment came so cheap?” Jan asked.

“Ok, fair point. But I’m still going to get evidence and hire a lawyer,” Tim said.

“Good luck, hun,” Jan said, spun around and walked away. Tim went back inside.

“So what do you want to do Chrissy?” Tim asked.

“Well, at least we got a deal on the rent. Let’s just stay here and avoid the wall,” Chrissy said.

“Good luck with that,” I said.

“Shut up, wall,” Tim said.

“A little respect would be nice. We are roommates after all,” I said. Tim scoffed.

They left the apartment and came back up with everything from the moving trucks and unpacked.

“What now,” Chrissy asked.

“Let’s go watch TV in bed,” Tim said.

“Yah, get your funky on in bed. I can still hear you, you know,” I said.

“Shut up, creepy wall,” Tim yelled.

“Remember what I said about respect, Tim? I’ll be listening for you guys. The more you avoid me, the worse I’ll make things for you. I control the climate, don’t forget that. I’m attached to the thermostat,” I said. I turned the heater on. Tim and Chrissy walked to the thermostat controls.

“What the hell?” Tim said as they watched the temperature go from seventy five degrees to ninety two.

“You’ve got to be kidding me?” Tim said and tried to lower the temperature back down.

“No, no, no. I don’t think so. Ninety two it will stay until you come out of your room and play. Set up the couch in front of me or sweat it out in your room. That’s your fee, next time don’t be mean to me,” I said.

“Yah, like we’ve never been to a sauna before,” Chrissy said.

“Enjoy your sauna then. Every hour I’ll make this place hotter, until you leave your room like a squatter. Good luck,” I said.

“God, I can feel this asshole wall grinning,” Tim said.

“Me too, damn it,” Chrissy said.

They went back to their room and began to sweat as the room got hotter. They lasted longer than the jazz musician but not as long as the rock star. The rock star was so high he didn’t even notice the temperature change.

They came out an hour later.

“Alright wall, you win. We’ll set up our couch here. Do you have to watch us make love, though?”

“Yah baby, that’s the plan. At least I’m not watching you on the can. Come on Tim and Chrissy, I’m bored, don’t get prissy. The Jazz musician used to make love to a different woman every night. Even the nice married woman who lived here in eighteen ninety three didn’t get a fright. Her husband took off his pants, and they did the making children dance. The rock star made love to three on Friday nights, the women would charge him a fee to climb to his heights. I’ve been sitting here bored watching the flies until you moved in. Now get to making love before god stops your sin,” I said.

“What would you do if we said no,” Tim said. Tim heard the doors lock.

“So we’re stuck here until we screw in front of you,” Chrissy said.

“That’s right baby. Now get to it before I turn the thermostat up again,” I said.

They took off there cloths and started awkwardly doing it.

“Come on you guys, put some enthusiasm into it. The rock star, jazz musician and family of four all did better than you. I mean yes, they all had drug addictions and thought I was a hallucination, but that’s no excuse for meaningless fornication. I’m bored, entertain me,” I said.

“Just make some sounds,” Chrissy whispered to Tim.

“I heard that, you fat pile of dung. Now make love or get flung,” I said and opened a window.

“What, you control the windows, too?” Tim asked.

“I control everything you jerk. Keep that in mind as your bodies’ twerk,” I said.

“How exactly are you going to throw us out the window, though?” Chrissy asked. I unhooked the chandelier from the wires, it crashed to the floor, and I wrapped the wires around Chrissy’s leg.

“Ok, ok. We’ll have wild sex. Just unwrap my leg please,” Chrissy said. I removed the wires and reattached them to the chandelier.

They started putting some energy into their love making, doing all sorts of crazy things.

“Oh, yah. That’s good. Yes, yes, yes. Try something from the Kama Sutra now, or spank each other, go pow pow pow,” I said.

“SERIOUSLY,” Tim shouted.

“Shut up and spank me, Tim. I don’t want more wires wrapped around my leg,” Chrissy said.

“Ok, baby,” Tim said and spanked Chrissy. After several long, intense minutes, they finished, and so did I.

Tim turned to me and shouted, “Eeewww, gross. Is that… what I think it is coming out of your bricks?”

“Relax, Tim. It’s wet cement?” I said.

“Why is there wet cement coming out of you?” Chrissy asked.

“How did you think us walls finished?” I said.

“Gross,” Chrissy said. Tim started throwing up.

“Yah, the jazz musician didn’t like it either. He got used to it after a while though. Hell, it even inspired him to write a song. He called it, wet cement everywhere when I’m in a thong,” I said.

“You got an interesting history,” Chrissy said.

“Thank you, I know I do. I just wish you humans would stay longer, you’re my crew,” I said.

“If you like us so much, why are you so mean, Mr. Wall?” Tim asked.

“I don’t mean to be mean. I’m just bored, and need to play like a fiend,” I said.

“I understand,” Chrissy said.

“You do?” I asked.

“Yah, you do?” Tim asked.

“Yes, I do. All the wall does is sit here all day watching residents. It can’t leave, even if it wants to,” Chrissy said.

“Wow Chrissy, you’re amazing. I’d cry if I could, but my bricks aren’t tear sustaining,” I said.

“Let’s go for a walk, Chrissy,” Tim said.

Tim and Chrissy started walking out.

“You two better come back, or I’ll make you live in fear. All your stuff is here, even your designer beer,” I said.

“Oh you better believe we’ll be back,” Chrissy said. They left, and I moved my presence into other bricks in the building to listen to their conversation.

“I think we should leave in the morning. We can stay in a cheap motel until we find a new place,” Tim said.

“I don’t know, I think we should give the wall a chance. I kind of feel bad for the wall,” Chrissy said. I didn’t want them to leave. The time it took to find new residents for this place was too long. I’d go insane with boredom. Tim and Chrissy came back in.

“I’m sorry Tim for being a jerk. Please forgive me and let’s make this work,” I said.

“If you want to make this work, no more watching us during private moments,” Tim said.

“Can I at least watch TV with you guys? I’ll lose my mind if all I can do is see flies,” I said.

“Sure, that’s fine,” Tim said.

“I’m glad we worked this out Tim and Chrissy. Anything you need, you can ask me, Old Bricky,” I said.

“Is that your name, Old Bricky?” Tim asked.

“It’s my name indeed. Thank you for staying. Now let me watch you make dinner and feed while playing!”

“Thanks Old Bricky,” Chrissy said.

“I would smile at you guys, if I could. You made my brick heart feel warm, like fireplace wood,” I said.

Over the next several months, Tim and Chrissy settled in nicely, and I told them more stories about the family of four, the jazz musician and the rock star who was feisty. Our friendship worked out very nicely!

Copyright © 2/4/2023 by A.H. Mittelman. All rights reserved.