Global Scientists Remain Puzzled By Findings from Extraterrestrial ‘Film’
So Called ‘Alien Atlas’ Containing Detailed Information and at Least Three Decades of ‘Footage’ from an Alternate Universe Earth Has Yet to Be Even Partially Understood
In what has become a source of great anxiety for the entire planet top scientists from around the world announced no progress in their quest to understand the Alien Atlas (AA), the alternate universe earth ‘film’ received six months ago from somewhere near the Andromeda galaxy (M31). It is presumed that the AA was sent to earth deliberately by an intelligent alien species though the purpose remains unclear. Included in the transmission containing the atlas were instructions to decrypt the alien files in every currently and formerly spoken earth language and the foreboding phrase “learn from this or yours will be a similar fate.”
Since the first viewing thousands of top global minds have worked nearly round the clock trying to understand its meaning. It is known that the footage of the alternate earth shows a planet and people identical to our own in (almost) every way down to the smallest detail. Fascinatingly it appears to be from the ‘present day’ and our twin doppelgangers on the alternate earth are doing the exact same thing as ourselves at the moment, attempting to understand the Alien Atlas. To date only one difference between the two earths has been discovered and it is believed that every possible examination has been completed. Head of the Alien Atlas project Dr. Jason Stoltz made the following statement upon its discovery. “We have now completed our study of the so called Alien Atlas and there is not one microsecond of footage that has not been examined exhaustively. As most of earth’s citizens have heard by now the footage of the alternate earth reveals a place exactly like our own down to the smallest and seemingly most inconsequential detail. We have however now discovered one difference, the first and only yet known. On this alternate earth in this unknown universe the Binghamton, NY based sporting goods conglomerate known as Dicks is instead named Ricks. What this might mean for the future of our own earth is unclear, but rest assured we will find out, we will find out. And we will get great deals including up to 50% off on select athletic footwear at the same time.”
Statement from Dick’s CEO Edward Stack
Statement from earth 1 universe CEO of Dick’s Edward Stack delivered to assembled media
I was first informed of the findings from the so called ‘Alien Atlas’ film last Friday, March 22nd around 6 PM. I had just finished my supper. My wife Janet had picked up take out from the Chinese place in downtown Coraopolis Dr. Ho’s. As is my custom following a major chow down I was releasing my belt to give myself a little extra room to breathe when my butler Jeeves hurried in carrying my Motorola flip-phone. He handed it to me saying rather impertinently ‘sir, it’s the government, I think you’d better take this.’ Normally if Jeeves spoke to me in that tone of voice I’d have him flayed out in back of the stockhouse with sixteen lashes from ol’e uncle strappy, but I could tell by the look in his eye that this was serious. After listening to the government spokesmen patiently explain the situation I was in shock. It took every ounce of self control I had to refrain from exploding and launching into a tirade of obscenities and death threats as I typically do when I receive unexpected, unusual, or negative information. Instead I regained my composure by describing in detail the great discounts Dick’s has on name brand tennis shoes and other sporting goods equipment.
Rick’s? I mean what the freak-a-doodle is Rick’s? There is no doubt that my father was not a huge fan of his name. As a boy he was teased mercilessly. The other boys would taunt him with chants of ‘dick stack, dick stack, he’s a giant dick stack’ or ‘dick stack, dick stack he’s a dirty dick smack and an ugly dick crack, stupid butt smack’, as they pelted him with rotten potatoes and hard boiled eggs.
But enduring those torments is what forged in Dick the strength he would someday need to found the largest retail sporting goods company in the United States with over 850 stores and counting. My father, the great man who founded what would become Dick’s sporting goods in 1948 was named Dick, Dick Stack. As the current chairman, CEO, and son of Dick Stack I declare that this alien atlas is nothing more than a giant fraud perpetuated upon us by some unknown foreign government power with unknown evil intent. All I know for certain is that Dick’s won’t be a part of their silent coup, and won’t allow its good name, and hard won reputation for low prices on Adidas and Nike attire, to be sullied. Dick’s is Dick’s and it will always be Dick’s. Shut that freakin camera off, get the fuck out of my house, this statement is over."
About the Creator
Everyday Junglist
Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/mol bio), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado. Occasional LinkedIn & Facebook user
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