Survival of the Snack-est

Survival Snacks for Game Day / end of days

Date: Super Bowl Sunday, 2021

Listen, we are in the middle of a deadly pandemic, amidst economic upheaval, and have been facing viral wartime vocabulary (frontline, death rate, n95 masks) - but on game day, there’s something to rally behind. It helps that all the commercials are focused on a sense of hope: the best of them feature Sesame Street characters and Electric Cars; the NFL even has an activist ad; the halftime show has avant- dance art!

It is a strange time to “Ooooo” and “Aaaaa” when in parts of our country there are folks struggling to eat.... Yet I have come to respect and appreciate what the institution of sports does for so many. It is a glorious facet of sports conversation that bridges generational gaps, since folks of all ages can talk about a killer quarterback.

In my house we are focused on budget and nutrition. So without further ado, I present our “SURVIVAL snack guide” - because we all are hoping to survive this health crisis, and it is not really the Super Bowl without snacks.

1. Soy Oregano Almonds

We can not forget that food is medicine; and, just like with medicine, one should only take what is helpful, beneficial, sustaining. To do that, we must first be aware of what our food is made of and how it affects us. For example Soy - can block estrogen in the human body. If you are a woman, care about a woman, or have estrogen in your body, you should be-aware of soy intake. As a low sodium flavor option, Soy is swell! I have a bag of almonds and it's game time, so these nuts are going on a foil topped pan, getting doused in 2 to-go packets of soy sauce, sprinkled with dried oregano and baking at 385 for about 30 minutes. The end result will surely hype your thirst for game day libations.

INGREDIENTS:

Almonds

Soy Sauce

Dried Oregano

DIRECTIONS:

Foil line an oven pan, place half a bag of almonds evenly on the oven pan, sprinkle as much oregano as you like and wash it all with soy sauce. Heat for about 30 minutes at about 385 degrees - and that should about do it!

2. Crudités

Ah, I learned so much from the Bernstein Bears. Pardon, Berenstain Bears. (That Mandela effect really got me with this childhood classic book series.) The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Junk Food is the title of the book that features Mama Bear being general of team BBear - leading the way for less sugar and more energy for her lil family. It is simple changes that Mama Bear initiates: cutting out candy, prepping carrot and celery sticks, nuts and dried fruit...and then motivating her bears to exercise. She is a fantastic coach.

Fad diets complicate so much; if you are aiming to support you / your family’s life Just be like Mama Bear… and remember if raisins don’t taste good to you, you are eating WAY too much sugar*!

INGREDIENTS:

Carrots

Apple

Dates or Raisins

DIRECTIONS:

Chop carrots and apple, pit dates, put on a plate

EXTRA: Remember lemon juice on apples keeps them from browning!

*Brought to you by California raisins… which I didn't have in the house, but I did have a sweet treat date plate for a bonus sugar rush ... fun fact: dates are also an excellent source of potassium and they are real-real sugar-pleasers for the sweet-tooth's in the house.

3. Pico Bruschetta

The key to affording life in a pandemic is to use what you have. Leftover pico-de-gallo from a to-go order makes a PERFECT “bruschetta” for this Southern California Italian-American…. The cut of the onion, the density of the tomato, the tang of jalapeno and cilantro (a divisive food type, I know) is superb on toast.

And SPEAKING of toast - warming bread in the oven really makes a meal! And the good news is: any bread will do! Leftover hot dog buns, ends of loaves, or - if you’re like me - frozen gluten-free bread all works GREAT.

Frozen bread HACK: put the bread in a traditional oven and set heat to 350 degrees. By the time the oven beeps ready, your bread should be perfectly toasted!

INGREDIENTS:

Bread

Pico De Gallo

DIRECTIONS:

Toast Bread, add pico, cut into squares.

EXTRA: if you’ve got white bread it does well with butter / fake butter and a touch of garlic powder, onion powder, and or salt and pepper to bring out its breadness.

4. Hot Wings with Ranch

Listen, I’m not a monster. Our main dish was the classic non-vegan snack made at home. We cooked chicken wings (from Imperfect Produce) in a generic brand hot wing sauce.

This is a wildly economic way to splurge on anila product protein. I am generally a vague-n (vaguely vegan) so this is not regular intake for me, but I’m gonna enjoy the buzz. I have a theory that if one detoxes TOO much, it will be too hard to survive the apocalypse. (Remember when over-antibacterial gel’ing was a thing - pre-COVID of course? A similar theory of keping my gut able to digest a variety of proteins keeps me occasionally imbibing animal protein these days - always from non-factory farmed outlets, cause this shiza of water resource depletion and cruelty to the animals we eat has got to end. And if the buck doesn’t stop with you - when will it stop?

NOTE: The hot wings need to simmer with some kind of sugar… Nostrils will flare when you take a whiff of this cooking mixture on the heat. Sugar tones it down.

INGREDIENTS

Chicken Wings: small batch for two was about 9 wings

Chicken Wing Hot Sauce - half a bottle

Brown Sugar: 2-3 tablespoons

Honey: squeeze some in for a 3 count (“1...2...3…”)

Worchestire Sauce: dashes as you see fit

Butter: 2 tbsp

Powders: onion, garlic, cayenne, oregano, italian seasoning

Ranch Dressing (topping only)

DIRECTIONS

We used a slow cooker, added everything but the ranch, stirred it all up, cooked for 2 hours on High and 2 hours on Low. Then we put the wings and sauce on a foil lined pan and broil (525 degrees) for 2.5 minutes; flip the wings and broil in the oven for another 2.5 minutes, then let these bad boys cool and dip in ranch when done!

EXTRA: Carrots and apples (instead of celery cause we didn’t have any in the house) go great with hot chicken and ranch. Yes, apples in ranch. It works. Also, keep wet wipes (compostable if possible) or damp paper towels in a bowl near the wing-plate.

5. Lemon Beer

I don’t drink. But on game day I have some lemon beer. Alcohol is strong spiritual medicine that can be beneficial - it just usually is not.

Squeeze a whole lemon into half a can of lager at a time and find that the bubble of low hop 5% beer (ie: Tecate) can be refreshing af and will get non drinkers only slightly tipsier than a kombucha.

INGREDIENTS

1 Lemon

Can of Beer

DIRECTIONS

Squeeze a whole lemon into a glass and pour in ½ the can of beer. Sip and - aaaaahhhhhh….

6. “Special” Brownies

I don’t ever eat refined sugar… so that when I DO, it gets me pretty dang sugar-high. We slutted-up with “Slutty Brownies”. When my mom makes these for the kids next door she calls them “special” brownies, since really it’s not her job to explain that these things are called slutty brownies because “everything goes in them”*

To keep my teeth from hurting (sugar is killer on enamel) I first pop in my mouth a delightful protein powder bite. I do this because a) it has honey in it and may satisfy my desire to taste sugar; if it does not, I enjoy the Slutty Brownie even more b) it sort of coats my digestion for the amount of refined nonsense (aka sugar) I’m about to put inside me. After the Slutty B I’ll eat an apple slice and drink a full glass of water. That way my intestines won’t be mad at me.

RECAP: treat sugar is like a tequila shot - instead of fronting with salt and ending with citrus, front with protein and chawe with water. For more tips on sugarless living, stand by for my forthcoming book GET OFF: SUGAR.

SLUT BROWNIES

SB INGREDIENTS:

Brownie Mix - and whatever the box says

Oreo Cookies

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (or make dough from scratch)

SB DIRECTIONS:

Option 1: pick up pre-made Slutty Brownies from my mom.

Option 2: Pout brownie batter in bottom of a high lipped pan, place oreos in a layer over brownie batter, pour cookie dough batter on top and bake - probably for like 45 minutes at 350 degrees.

Option 3: Google Search “Slutty Brownies Recipe”

PROTEIN BITES

PB INGREDIENTS:

Dry:

Protein Powder of choice, and any supplemental powders (ie: collagen, greens, maca) + cocoa powder

Wet:

Almondbutter (or any nut butter), Honey

Proportion note: use 2:1 ration dry:wet

PB DIRECTIONS:

These no-bake treats use the patent baking tradition of combining all dry ingredients, combining all wet ingredients (you’ll want to melt the nut butter and honey in a microwave or double boiler), then fold wet into dry with a spatula. Mixture should be dense. Roll out bite size spheres & keep in the fridge! Optional topping: cut up berry or dried fruit nib...

PB EXTRA: The pictured protein bites included some frozen ginger and spinach and are topped with a dried goji berry.

extra EXTRA: Google search “etymology of the word SLUT”

*My mom corrected me - they are called Slutty Brownies because “everyone likes them”... and, once again, I’m faced with a by definition vs by stigma convo about the word “Slut”. FUCK is a fun word, by initial etymological definition it means “Fornicaiton Under Consent fo the King” - meaning the monarchy approved non-marital sex on ocassion. The etymology of “Slut” is vaguer - it may have meant a care-less female (slovenly) but more accurately to today’s usage means a care-free female. Which is a compliment, but is used as an insult in some circles. This is a snack guide, but even so I want to take this opportunity to remind you that we are in the age of sex positivity. Owning the word Slut (a beloved role in BDSM) and receiving “slutty” as a neutral description of sex-positive activity is important. Slutty behavior can be acted out by men, women and nb folks alike. Anyone with agency over their own sexual experience interested in exploring non committal or non traditional sexual partnership(s) are neither “good” nor “bad”. Sluts are sluts the way brownies are brownies. Enjoy responsibly.

End of Game: Digestion

After a good snack-down I recommend low key reading memes about economic disparity and the political stances of the notorious athletes in the game. There is a lot of work ahead and we need to stay sharp… which is why I’m glad that this game day - we survived.

over/out,

JRich