by George Fairclough 6 months ago in satire

They're literally fungi that grow on decaying matter...

Death in a box

Just looking at this photo makes me think of otherworldly things that should not be consumed into the human mouth.


Mushrooms are alien food. It's fungus.


For as long as I can remember, I have never liked the smell nor the taste of mushrooms in anything. My mother is crazy about them...maybe its an adult thing (says the 22 year old currently trying to survive a coronavirus pandemic - if I don't laugh, I'll cry).

But seriously, how can anyone like them?

They're practically tasteless and are squishy things that just don't agree with my mouth. In my opinion they're lacking in every department. No substance; no spotlight?


I mean if this wasn't enough to make you agree with me then how is this for a fun and interesting fact. Did you know that the FDA in America legally allows 19 maggots and about 74 mites in every 3.5 ounce can of mushrooms? Even if it was the last meal on earth, I'd avoid it at every cost. So to my mushroom fans out there; I implore you to eat fresh ones if you must because the canned stuff is gross!!!!

Now, people tend to enjoy them in pastas and sauces alike but they really do ruin your meal. They make a perfectly nice dish into one that belongs in the bin. The way they feel on your tongue is enough to make me throw up thinking about it. From their variations in colours to their abundance of spots; they just don't sit right with me.

How can people stomach these fungal infestations?

They remind me of woodlouse and dirt. I know we all grow in our own way but there's something about a fungus spreading that just makes me feel ill. A case of athlete's foot is enough to make me cry myself to sleep. If it can grow on your feet, does it really belong in your mouth? And I'm not talking about foot fetishes here...

Mushrooms do not require sunlight to make energy for themselves. And while I can appreciate it's effort for surviving, there is something about this that just doesn't sit right with me.

I'm all about that sun energy baby!

There are also over 25 different types of harmful mushrooms that exist in the world that can cause severe discomfort and even death. The most fatal being called the Death Cap, Destroying Angels and the Fool's Mushroom.

With those names, I'd rather not.

And if that's not enough to make you think of mushrooms as monster killers the take a look at this mushroom in Oregon.

There is a 2400-year-old giant “honey mushroom” in Oregon, covering 2200 acres, slowly killing off the trees in the forest. It grows in the bark of the trees and causes its roots to rot.

Now, I'm not sure about anyone else but I'd say that is just rude. When I type about it today, I see some similarities between that and the current pandemic happening around the world. a very rude virus; one that has caused many social restrictions, a severe stream of anxiety across nations, death in people we love and finally for me (a performer in the arts) to lose my job for 2020 leaving me financially and creatively stumped.

They're both very rude in my opinion.

When researching, I also came across an interesting article that said mushrooms are closer to humans than they are plants - SOURCE

So basically if you eat mushrooms you're into cannibalism. Now go self promote that on your social media bios ;)

Written with humour and light in these dark times but please reconsider your mushroom choices,

Lots of love,

A non-fungi eater

George Fairclough
George Fairclough
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George Fairclough

A 22 year old creative living in London trying to find his way through the joy that is life.

See all posts by George Fairclough