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Future Black Slime in Refrigerator Crisper Purchased at Local Grocery

by Everyday Junglist 11 days ago in satire

Currently Known as Green Onions

The Future black slime looks very pretty now. Image by congerdesign from Pixabay

Future black slime in refrigerator crisper, currently known as green onions, were purchased at a local grocery today by neighborhood resident Ted Stephens. “I’m making Pad Thai for my girlfriend for dinner tonight and need the green onions for a garnish and to give a little color to the dish” he said when asked about his decision to purchase the future pile of oozing black mush at the bottom of his refrigerator vegetable crisper. Despite a very poor track record of using any green vegetable purchased for any meal Mr. Stephens suggested this time would be differing saying “look, I know I don’t exactly have a reputation as the biggest vegetable fan, and I have, on occasion, left a head of broccoli or lettuce in the crisper for over a month, throwing them away only when the smell from the slowly putrefying sludge like black mass became too much to bear. But, this time is going to be different. I swear. Besides, onions aren’t really a vegetable. Right? Are they a fruit then? You know I don’t actually know.”

THE END.

And now for something completely different. Brought to you by your friends at Vocal.media. Home of the 600 word count minimum. Sure quality matters, but quantity matters more, until you get to 600 words, at which point fuck it, we will publish any piece of shit no matter how poorly conceived, terribly written, or downright batshit crazy it may be. Unless of course it runs afoul of any of our community standards. Hopefully, that goes without saying.

The Future Will Always Be There Waiting For You

Fortunately research scientists are almost always more than a little nuts so we get cut a lot of slack in the being weird department. If it were not for this particular quirk of humanity I may have been out of work and living on the streets long ago. What that little tidbit has to do with thinking about the future is not all that clear however it definitely explains a lot about how I have managed to make it from the past into the present, after having passed through a decent chunk of years worth of futures, while maintaining a roof over my head for virtually the entire totality of that time. Many of those roofs were quite leaky and some sturdier than others but they all basically kept me dry, for the most part.

When it comes to thinking about the future I try not to make too many plans. The future is something I don’t really think about other than to recognize that it will always be there waiting for me. Waiting for everyone. It’s not going anywhen. It is big and scary and always seemingly just out of reach. Then suddenly before you know it, you are there, and it’s the present, and then, not a shortest measurable moment of time later it’s the past already. WTF? That sure was fast. But the future is still out there staring you in the face, laughing at you, calling you a big baby and asking you what’s taking so long. F-you future is what I always say.

And Finally some stupid thing I wrote about Seneca a while ago for some reason I can no longer remember.

Good old Seneca, or as I call him Johnny Wisdom. What else did he have to say? Below are some choice quotes from Johnny Wisdom, translated for the modern idiot

S: If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.

MI: When you don’t know where you are going it is harder to get there.

S: Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.

MI: Dummies and the poor are more religious than philosophers and scientists, the rich are selfish bastards.

S: It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.

MI: Do or do not, there is no try — Yoda

S: True happiness is… to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future.

MI: Live in the now, you can’t do anything about the future anyway.

S: I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good.

MI: I am a snarky blogger.

S: Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.

MI: Use it or lose it.

S: If you wished to be loved, love.

MI: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Wait a minute? the golden rule? that was seneca? No fucking way. Well I’ll be damned. He had to have stolen that from Jesus, right?

S: We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.

MI: Things are a much better than they seem.

S: Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

MI: You make you own luck.

satire

Everyday Junglist

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/molecular biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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