Your Spouse is More Important Than Your Family

When you find that special someone to share your life with, certain responsibilities come with your relationship. Besides all of the newfound love, joy, laughter, and rockin’ sex, you need to be your person’s biggest ally and support.

This means even when it comes to family. ESPECIALLY when it comes to family.

Many families are wonderful. Most tend to be composed of mainly good people. A few black sheep oddballs aside, family is supposed to also love and care for your spouse or significant other. But what happens when they don’t?

That’s up to you. Choose wisely.

Last night, my Bride and I watched the new Eddie Murphy/Jonah Hill movie on Netflix, You People. It’s a comedy movie that also tackles the issues of racism and acceptance of interracial relationships. Jonah’s character Ezra Cohen is Jewish and starts dating his future bride, Amira Mohammed.

I’m not going to go into too much detail about the movie so as not to spoil it for anyone, but I will say that two sets of parents get in between Ezra and Amira’s relationship with their ignorance and stubbornness. It reminded me of a topic that hits a bit close to home.

I’ve never allowed outside forces to belittle, demean, or disrespect anyone I’ve ever dated or been married to. That is non-negotiable, as far as I’m concerned.

When you marry someone, you pledge to love, honor, and cherish them, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.

This includes stepping up if family members disrespect them. Even if it’s your mother or father.

When you choose to be in a relationship and/or married, you are taking on a big responsibility. Besides all of the lovey-dovey fun stuff, you are there to support and protect your person. Not only against physical threats but verbal attacks. And boy, will they come.

Mai and I are both kind people. We are open-minded and accepting, and do everything we can to avoid bullshit and drama. We try to encourage others and build them up. Yet we still aren’t immune from the occasional attacks by a family member.

A year after we were first together, Mai sent out Christmas cards to family and friends. The front side had a traditional Christmas greeting and message. The back of it had a Buddhist quote about wishing everyone peace and prosperity during the holiday season.

My dad acted like a little bitch about the back side of the card.

He attempted to chastise me and my Bride about her sending HIM a Christmas card with a Buddhist quote on the back. As if we were supposed to send him some separate card with only a Christian message on it

Yeah, fuck that.

I went off on him. I told him that we sent that card to everyone, yet nobody else complained. I made it clear that his disrespect would not be tolerated and that he could enjoy his Christmas alone with my mother. If he could pull his shit together and be a decent human being by next Christmas, we’d see him then.

My Bride was flabbergasted, but not for the reason you’d think.

She wasn’t disappointed in my harsh tone and my executive decision to cancel our Christmas plans with them. She was pretty pissed off about the ridiculous response from my father, too. But there was something else she had a hard time believing.

She’d never had a spouse/significant other ever step up on her behalf versus their immediate family.

I was taken aback by this revelation. NEVER?

Knowing what I knew of family members, I figured that somebody had to have wronged her prior to my father. Certainly, a mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, or uncle had to have said some crazy shit to or about her in the 42 years she’d been on Planet Earth.

Turns out, a number of them had. But she’d never been with a man who ever took her side over his immediate or extended family. She loved that I defended her. She appreciated being loved that much by her person.

So I proposed on the spot, right then. She happily accepted.

I just don’t understand that, though. Not defending the person you love. Especially if it’s someone that you’ve been with for years, that you’re married to, or whatever other reason you need to motivate you to grow a pair and tell someone that they’re being a fucker.

I always joke about my Italian and Irish blood. I have a temper that can go from 0 to 60 in 2.8 seconds for the right reasons. I’m reserved, kind, and patient in 99.9% of daily scenarios.

But that 0.01% can be a motherfucker.

You’ll never have to see that if you’re a decent, kind, polite human being. Even if you teeter precariously on the edge of good or bad manners, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to almost everyone. But you don’t want to see that bad side, especially if you overstep against my Bride.

In this regard, I was so blown away when she told me she’d never had a man she was with come to her defense. Especially being she’s one of the kindest, most-accepting, funny humans I’ve ever met. It’s not like she’s some asshole that everyone takes issue with because of rude behavior on her part.

She mentioned that her two long-term exes she had were spineless when it came to dealing with family members who were insulting, racist, and bigoted. One set of in-laws in particular. Emphasis on “exes”.

When you don’t elevate and defend the person you’re with, the relationship is doomed to fail. You’re not doing right by them and not living up to your wedding vows. Your husband, wife, or significant other should always be your #1. Especially when the family member in question has wronged them.

Make your person the top priority in your life. Or ask yourself why you’re unwilling to do this around your family members who are in the wrong.

Just because they hold a certain title of parent, sibling, or some other family relation, that doesn’t allow them to disrespect the person that you love. &:^)