5 Easy Ways To Save Hundreds of Dollars a Month

All right, I already know what you’re thinking about this one. And you’re wrong. This isn’t going to be one of those typical run-of-the-mill Medium listicles that so many people get their panties twisted in a wad over.

Don’t worry. This is actually going to be some useful shit.

I know that a lot of writers offer up sensible, vanilla-flavored, missionary position sex-type of “Best Ways to Do Such and Such” articles every hour of every day. But this is different. If you follow these five nuggets of wisdom, I can guarantee you’ll put hundred of dollars a month back into your monthly budget.

So check these tried-and-true methods of how to put away substantial amounts of money into your own family’s budget each month.

Grocery Store Shopping

This is one of the big ones. I know most people talk about buying in bulk, or certain recipes that go a lot way. That’s all well and good, if you’re June Cleaver and living in 1958. But let’s take a dose of reality, shall we? With a chaser of wisdom.

Food prices are fucked right now. God forbid, you once enjoyed eggs for every breakfast. How’s that working out for you now, after the bird flu pandemic? Those goddamn eggs are eight bucks a dozen, now. Jesus Benedict. I guess we’re switching to cereal, Kids.

And no, we’re not buying those boxes for the cheap-shit plastic toy inside. Grab those giant bags of Malt-O-Meal generic substitutes. One of those can feed a family of four for two weeks. And if times really get tough, even for lunches, dinners, and snacks.

Generic is where it’s at for a family budget. Buying the store brands for everything will save you hundreds of dollars every month. When I say “everything”, I mean ALL OF IT. Who cares if the toilet paper chafes your ass? It’s literally flushing money down the toilet if you buy Charmin.

Buy Bottom Shelf Booze, Box Wine, and PBR

This is where I’m supposed to tell you to quit drinking to save even more money. Hell no. I’m your friend. I care about your mental health. You gotta do what you gotta do to get by. Life can be soul-crushing.

My buddy’s wife told him the other day that she wanted to try some rough stuff. His reply? “Are you fucking serious? Like a wife, four kids, a mortgage, and a middle-management job isn’t bondage enough?” Then he started drinking.

I’d never tell you to give up your vices that get you through a day. But smarten up about it. Don’t go to the liquor store and look for Belvedere or Grey Goose. Grab that Popov shit in the plastic bottle that Lorraine McFly was drinking in Back to the Future. If it comes in a glass bottle, it’s too rich for your blood.

Ditto with the vino. Box wine is your friend. Budweiser might be The King of Beers, but PBR will turn you into the court jester. Making simple modifications to your booze budget will save you hundreds of dollars a month. Don’t worry about the taste. If you drink enough of it, you’ll be just fine.

Cut Back on Your Tithing at Church

If booze isn’t your thing and you lean toward the less-fun end of the spectrum, you can save hundreds of dollars a month fine-tuning your tithing method at church. There are three degrees of adjustments you can make to put money back in your family budget. Praise be.

The first is simple: Just tithe less. The Lord said to give 10% of your income, but JC didn’t adjust for inflation. Over 2000 years later, the more appropriate percentage to give is more like 1%. And don’t feel bad about it. Jesus didn’t have a wife and four kids to put through college or trade school.

The second degree is to give up tithing entirely. If you don’t want to be THAT guy who passes the plate without putting anything in, just time your mid-service piss break to coincide with the offering portion of the service. If anyone questions why you were gone so long, just hold your stomach and look sad. Ask for prayers, if need be.

Taking this to a higher power, this one is for pros, only. Have a dollar in your hand and when you are passed the collection plate, use your thumb and pointer finger to put the bill into the plate, while carefully using your three other fingers to scoop and palm some larger denomination bills. This generally works best if you practice at home ahead of time and have the family member with the biggest hands commit the switcheroo.

A profit has been earned. Not a prophet, a PROFIT.

Tap Into the Kids’ College Funds

This is one way to easily add more into your family budget. Why should kids get a free ride? There is also no guarantee that they’re going to do anything in college besides get wasted, skip classes, and bring shame to the family. Why should you foot the bill for all of that?

Skim off the kid that shows the least potential in your family. Perhaps you have a couple of them. If you and your spouse’s genetics are less than ideal, all offspring should be considered open game.

Toss a basketball or a football at them when they’re young. If they catch it, scholarship potential. If they don’t, it won’t cost that much to send them to barber college or to spring for a stripper pole to practice up on.

Don’t Fall For the Scam of Health Insurance

This last one has the most potential to save money every month toward your family budget. Health insurance rates are through the roof and unaffordable for almost everyone unless you’re a government employee or in the military.

Make your kids go outside and play. Follow them around in the car with “Eye of the Tiger” blasting and require four or five trips around the block before access back into your home is allowed. They may grumble initially, but eventually they will want access to their devices and wifi again.

Tell them how you were locked out of your home back in the day by your mother and didn’t even have internet in the 80s. Kids love nostalgic stories such as these.

Teach them to wash their hands constantly, or send them out in the world wearing rubber gloves. Doctor’s visits are pricey, we don’t need them getting sick every month. Covid is a bitch.

For best results, buy a few bottles of vitamins. And not those worthless Flintstones candy-type ones, but the GOOD stuff. The ones that are as big as horse pills. They will thank you later, providing they survive to adulthood.

Do You Love Your Family Enough to Follow These Guidelines?

As I mentioned, it’s a tough world out there. Having hundreds of more dollars a month in your family budget will ensure your financial well-being and survival.

It’s important to be financially responsible, in case the housing market becomes any less-affordable than the shafting we already get on the first of every month. &:^)