WHAT IT’S LIKE TO LIVE WITH A HUSBAND AND TWO CHILDREN WITH ADHD

I am an occupational therapist of 25 years who specialized in brain injury and cognitive retraining for ten years. You would think it would have been easier for me to work with my family of triple ADHD than perhaps individuals who need to learn from scratch. I am here to tell you, HELL NO!

After twenty years with my husband and twelve and fourteen years with my daughter and son respectively, the journey (which moves backward more than forward) has been difficult, continues to be challenging, and will always be frustrating. That is because ADHD is often accompanied by other conditions that sometimes make it almost impossible to manage. People with ADHD have a limited ability to self-regulate. As such, the strategies recommended for ADHD individuals often involve structure, routine, reminders, lists, etc. Well, ADHD has crappy friends named depression, anxiety, learning disability, and rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD). Each condition in addition to ADHD has complications of its own so what happens when they hang out together? Yeah, you got it. Sh** hits the fan.

For example, my daughter has all the above so when she is given a list, at least one or all the following happens:

1) What list? I’m not going to do anything because I don’t remember. Plus, I can’t focus long enough to even think about doing anything boring. But I know I’m supposed to be doing something. This is making me anxious.

2) I can’t focus enough to read the list so I’m not going to do anything because I’m not motivated enough. This makes me feel bad about myself. I’m more depressed than when I woke up.

3) I’m too depressed to think about anything other than staring at the wall. My mom is giving me a list. This is making me depressed and anxious.

4) I’m too anxious to think about anything other than what is making me anxious, and this list is making me even more anxious which in turn is depressing me.

5) I feel so stupid I can’t even do these basic things that my friends seem to do without any problems. I am so dumb. How am I this stupid? I hate myself.

6) I hate lists. It makes me feel like a little kid. Therefore, I am going to hate and freak out every time I see a list.

7) I feel so overwhelmed with lists. I can’t look at them. There are too many things to do. Why is this so hard for me? Why was I born? What was the purpose of my life? The global warming is killing off all the animals. I wish it would take me. Life is going to get harder. I don't want to grow up! I'm going to burn in eternal fire that is global warming!

8) Add a gazillion more here

Do you know what I’m trying to say? Have you experienced it? I’m sure some of you have.

When I knew nothing about ADHD, I encouraged my husband to open a coffee shop, and I left my husband in charge after it opened. What I did not realize then was that this was the worst thing I could have recommended given his ADHD. He had some expertise and skills that made it a success, but we didn’t have enough money to delegate all the things that his ADHD brain could not cope with all at once. He hired a manager but managing a manager became challenging as well. Same as when we packed for camping, moving, or just cooking. He could not plan well enough to execute anything effectively on time.

I would ask him to make dinner on a given day because I was out working, and he was home working. At 8 or 9 pm, I would be starving and ask him what was for dinner.

“Steaks and vegetables and cheesecake,” he might say.

“Wow, that sounds delicious! I can’t wait!”

Then I would wait ten minutes or so.

“Can we have dinner now? I’m starving!” I would shout in the general direction of his office.

“Okay!” He’d respond enthusiastically.

I would wait some more. Finally, after another reminder, he might go to the kitchen, open the fridge, and say, “Doh, we have no steak and no cheese. I can get some.” Then I would see red and fantasize about stuffing him into the fridge.

When we were packing the car for camping, he would place the smallest item on the bottom and the biggest item on top, making the stack fall over and make a mess or fall out of the car and break. This is a math and science prodigy we are talking about. He is well versed in the concept of gravity. When he unloads the groceries, bring stuff up from the basement to sell, or move ANYTHING, he will pile them up by an entrance. Front door, basement door, front hall, etc., anywhere to block the exit in case of emergency. This might be great for discouraging burglars but not great if the house is on fire. Once we had our neighbors drop by for a quick chat. They looked shocked and asked in all seriousness, "was your house robbed?"

Cracked eggs? Of course. Squished loaves of bread? Yes, ma’am. Eviscerated pizza? No doubt. Is every good piece of clothing covered in paint? Absolutely. Even underwear. Does our house look like a war zone? Every frickin’ day, every hour of the day. Give us a few hours after cleaning, and the house goes back to its most natural state.

When I began to work with people with brain injury, I encouraged my husband to get tested for ADHD. He was diagnosed in his late 40’s at a clinic in Toronto that specialized in ADHD because not many medical professionals would assess adults for ADHD. It costed us about $3000. After the diagnosis, all his behaviors made sense. He began taking medication and we held our breath, but nothing changed. He tried a different medication, and he became obsessive. Tried another dose and it helped a little, but he saw only about 10-20% improvement in his focus, attention shifting, and initiation.

It used to take him 2-3 years to do the simplest tasks I asked him to do (e.g. can you move this tool to the garage please?). With medications, it took him 2-3 months and with all the strategies and self-awareness, he now does them right away or within a week. He has not been able to explore medications much and stayed with the 10-20% meds because the specialist referred my husband back to his general practitioner for maintenance, and there is a knowledge gap in the medical profession about managing ADHD symptoms and medications.

So, what am I trying to say? HAVING ADHD DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE STUPID. If you think you must be doing something wrong because you can’t get symptoms under control, just know that it’s not you or your loved ones. It’s the nature of the condition and its crappy friends that make it astoundingly challenging. The professionals (we had a team of medical pros for our children) presented us with seemingly straightforward solutions, but most of them did not work for us because the underlying influences (depression, anxiety, RSD) were not treated. Also, the strategies were not enough for young kids with difficulty following instructions or defiant tweens who refused to do anything. I used positive reinforcement and incentives to motivate the kids but they did not work because nothing was enough to give them the motivation. I created charts for their chores but that was way too much information not to mention the fact that they did not even notice they were there.

Another reason why ADHD is so hard to manage is because the symptoms are unpredictable. One day she is the most prepared and diligent student and another day, it takes an hour to put socks on if ever. This is because you have many moving parts. You have the person with their unique personalities; ADHD with its unpredictable symptoms; depression/anxiety/RSD symptoms that respond in their own way; hormones that change naturally; events that occur during the day that may affect all these things; stress; fatigue; physical health issues; changing environment/external forces, etc. All I am saying is don’t be too hard on yourself or your loved ones. Try to go with the flow and adjust what you can, don’t fight what you can’t.

Now, I have to go and replace my children’s shoes that they lost for the second time this week. Strategies are coming up in later posts. Subscribe so you don't miss them. In the mean time, check out my other posts like this one: https://vocal.media/fiction/friends-in-the-dark