When ADHD, Learning Disability, Depression, and Anxiety Suffocate

My daughter roams around the apartment at two or three in the morning, unable to fall asleep. She had been drowning in self-loathing all week, causing trouble with sleeping, focusing, and communicating. Last night was worse because she was returning to school the next day. She counted all the ways she had failed to prepare. She knew she didn't complete any assignments but did not know what or how much. She cannot keep track of anything: lists, order, direction, etc. And she does not have the focus or the initiative to implement compensatory strategies.

I tried talking to her, but she couldn't express herself effectively. She said she felt frustrated but numb at the same time. It's not good when the only emotion she feels is frustration. She has tested as being gifted, but her constant underperformance and struggle baffle her. She understands better now that she is older, but it doesn't keep her from feeling stupid.

I wasn't feeling well, drowsy from sleep, and dizzy from the lack of sleep. But my fear that my daughter might try to hurt herself again got me bolting up. I darted across the apartment to her room. I stroked her back and sang to her to soothe her as I have done since she was a toddler. I stayed until she fell asleep and then cried in private. Most parents know what it feels like to watch their children suffer. Understandably, it is worse when we feel helpless.

And that's the thing with depression, anxiety, learning disability, and ADHD. They feed off each other and intermingle to create a tight knot that no one can loosen. With struggles, they'll tighten and sometimes, with patience and wise intervention, they'll relax. The need to constantly adjust our approach, strategies, words and treatments is present until they can be self-sufficient. The need to assess whether the difficulties are from a mental health issue or something else like distraction will be there too. I often have to decide if soft love or tough love is required.

So this is what I did after I had a good cry:

I let her stay home from school. I have been told in the past by a counsellor that once she starts missing school, it'll become an avoidance issue, worsening her anxiety. It's a valid argument but not today. Sending her to school without the proper discussions and strategies will erode her foundation further.

I contacted her teachers to ensure they would reduce the assignments that she is behind in. As long as she demonstrates her knowledge, I don't feel she needs to do three pages of the same thing. I would suggest reducing it to half a page or one page. Teachers have argued with me about this, and I've had to stand my ground more than once. So many teachers are rigid in their thinking.

Next, I contacted the resource teacher so she could reinforce the shortened assignment with the teachers from now on. I asked her to let me know if they would simplify them independently or if I have to let them know which assignment she struggles with. Clarifying expectations so your child doesn't fall through the cracks is essential.

I also asked the resource teacher to confirm that she can take her tests in her office, away from distractions and added pressure when other classmates finish their tests first.

I've asked all teachers to keep an eye on her so we can identify any signs of a downward spiral.

Then I thought about what my approach was going to be at home. She has homework daily but is often too tired to get started after school. She's too tired to even swim, which is what she loves to do, so rejuvenating her this way doesn't seem like an option. The school takes everything out of her. The sustained concentration, following rules, and structure is exhausting for kids with ADHD and fragile mental health. There's no answer other than that I would have to gauge her emotional state (i.e. how much reserve she has to tolerate frustration, focus, tough love, etc.) before I can decide on a day-to-day basis.

I do need to do better in reinforcing some good habits. For example, I would be more strict with time limits on watching a show. I'll try again to give her an hour of rest, snack, then start her homework. To be honest, I've tried this countless times, but it has never worked. She has nothing left in her after school most of the time. Some days are better than others, so she has sometimes surprised me. All I can do is try.

Then I started writing this article for therapy and to organize my thoughts. It's liberating to put ideas and emotions down on paper. For me, anyways. You might want to try it if you haven't already. Being a parent to special needs kids is a lonely business because not many people can empathize with you. At least be your own best friend. Be gentle with yourself.

If you tend to shy away from confrontations and have difficulty asserting yourself, I recommend seeking assistance in this area. There are assertive courses because this is a common difficulty for many of us. It is not that there's anything wrong with preferring peace, but no one can advocate for our children better than we, parents.

Wish me luck. I wish you luck and good mental health.

Want to get a glimpse of my ADHD family? Read my dissection of the problem with ADHD and its accompanying emotions.

https://vocal.media/families/what-it-s-like-to-live-with-a-husband-and-two-children-with-adhd