The Pain of Parenthood

Sometimes I wish I could do it all over again. I sit and I recollect on the events in my life that lead up to my child being born, I sit and I ponder about how I had the opportunity to do things the right way but chose the wrong way, therefore leading to my child being born into dysfunction. I often find myself being caught up in my shortcomings due to the fact I know I’m capable of so much more. I am grateful to have made it out of my teens with no children, but very much so disappointed in the fact I still had my child young. No one can prepare you for motherhood, not even yourself. This is because you are going through something you have never experienced before in your life. In my opinion, no matter how much you read, listen to stories, and even help with small children, motherhood is just one thing you cant prepare for. When I say this I mean, when you go to have your first child there is nothing you can do to truly prepare yourself. You don’t know what to expect because you have never been through it. How can you prepare yourself for pain you never experienced? That’s the most troubling thing about motherhood for me, the pain this beautiful thing brings you. I expected motherhood and pregnancy to have been this beautiful and exciting event. It was the complete opposite of that in my case, so I often find myself looking at my child in a skewed view. I dont hate my child, I don't resent my child, but I do wish I would have waited. Looking back now, I wish I would have followed my spirit. I know matter of fact my life would have been better, which in turn would have made theirs better as well. I find it ironic because you would never know I feel this way due to the fact my child is loved and they exemplify this in every way imaginable. But I often sit and think about the traumatic pregnancy I endured and the struggles we currently face. I can’t go and grind like I used too due to the fact I now have another human being to look after. That’s annoying as hell. Then I have to sit and calculate down to the minute on how many hours I need to work in order to have the basics covered, you can forget about anything “extra”. I hate that I even put myself in this boat, I know it can be made out of but why on earth did I do this in the first place. It was selfish as hell if you ask me, but it is so crazy because my child needs for nothing. They have been covered and taken care of since before they entered this realm. But I am so hard on myself due to the fact I know I am capable of more. So, the feeling of regret, loneliness, and anger are all normal in this journey of motherhood. I just wish I could have done things better, I never wanted my child to have to experience any type of struggle. I never wanted them to experience any kind of pain due to their circumstances, I wanted my children to grow up living a Huxtable type lifestyle. That’s what they deserve and only if I wouldn’t have been so selfish. But I also too have to give myself credit for the fact that my child is loved and very well taken care of. I do my best with what is provided to me. I just know I could be so much more and do way better than what I am currently doing. I said all this to say the emotional rollercoaster you feel with motherhood is normal. The good, the bad and the downright ugly, it’s all normal. Remind yourself you’re doing the best you can and that if you could do more you know you would, but this is all you have for the moment. Be kind to yourself for you are the CEO of a non stop business (your children and household are the business here) and you are a multifaceted woman. Only worry about what you can control and let the rest go. For mothers are phenomenal women who truly aren’t credited enough if you ask me. Love yourself a little extra and be gentle.

Momma Ann

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