Raw, Unfiltered and Eloquently made.
I am the wilted rose that grew into a sunflower.
I Will Always Love You…
My heart was dropped in the rain and drowned in sorrow. I did not know how I would be able to get through the rest of my tomorrows. How do I get up and go about my days like there isn‘t a piece of me missing? How am I supposed to go on in the world when my heart is empty.
Books and Their Screen Adaptations
We see many books that are recreated into screen adaptations. Society in itself would tell you to read the book first before watching the movie, so you could follow along clearly. I am here to challenge that ideology and want to pose a few points to keep in mind the next time you find yourself battling this question. Reading the book first before watching its screen rendition is great, but they are two different mediums.
Are You In There?
Before you read this letter I wrote to me by me, I want you to know that it took a lot of courage to address my pain. I may be notorious to some but I have Been made a new. Nobody can say they know me, for I have changed and you only know of me. I can not be classified with old behaviors and “norms” so I had to allow this to happen with my internal feelings as well. In doing so I have found myself the most insecure I’ve ever been in my adult life. Ironically in that the security that I’m establishing will be one that cannot be wavered and will be strong for lineages to come. I feel confident in myself in ways I never thought I would (I have to praise and affirm myself daily in order to do so, but the point is the feeling.... the security is there). I had to turn inward and really sit with little ol’ me and ask her some very hard questions. Here is part of my apology.
Unwanted Heart Feels
You came in and turned my world upside down. You made me strip all my old layers and stand bare in front of you. There all my scars and the broken heart I carried were all made visible for you to see. How can you still love me after seeing something so traumatizing? How can you see anything beautiful in anything I am? How can you love me? That's the biggest mystery in it all, how can you love something that has been through it all? Loving me takes so much life out of you, how can you continue? I don't understand why you love me. Why do you love something that was once so dirty? I’ve made life choices that were surrounded by trauma and a cry for help. You came and you picked me up when I was broken down and was going to let myself rot away. You swept in and saved the day, but did you make a big mistake? How can you love something that causes you more pain, rainy days and headaches, then joy and clear skies? Why would you want to possibly spend the rest of your life loving me? I’m dirty and unwhole. how can you see anything beautiful in my soul? I don't understand how you can love with no conditions, but then again I’ve never been loved before. And here it is love knocking at my door and I want to let you in, but I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you again and that will cause you to come tumbling down and you don't deserve that, especially not now. But it seems as though my shortcomings are plastered on the wall and every once in a while we turn around and look at everything I’ve done. I have no choice but to stay in the place that broke me because every time I go to move forward and leave it all behind me, it's always something that takes me back. So I don't understand why or how. How can you love a girl who has given every piece of herself to the world? How can you love a girl who doesn’t know how to love herself? How can you love a girl who is trying to find her way and figure out what the hell a woman is? How can you truly love someone who did nothing but hurt you from the beginning? I don’t know how you love me and it’ll always remain a mystery. Where do you get such a love for a woman like me? Part of loving you means I have to love me, but what I don't get is how you can even start to wrap your arms around me. My skin was made of thorns and my tears of acid. Nothing good comes from anything I touch, so truly how do you love me so much? I want to love you, feel your warm touch, but I don't understand how you don’t see my scars or the damage I’ve caused. It’s as though you look past it all and see me clean and whole. I will never understand the true depths of your soul. How can one obtain a love like this? Is it long term or just a season to show me I can have a reason? That’s what scares me the most, I truly don’t know. I hope you’d never leave, but that’s the thing they always do. So I have put up this wall but I don’t want to, I want to love you just as you love me. I thought I was incapable of being loved, so this is all new to me, everything. The more you love me the more I start to pull away. I just want to know why you love me because it doesn’t seem quite possible. Even my parents turned their backs on me, so why you of all people choose a person like me to pour into? I wish I knew the answer, hopefully, I get it one day soon.
The Pain of Parenthood
Sometimes I wish I could do it all over again. I sit and I recollect on the events in my life that lead up to my child being born, I sit and I ponder about how I had the opportunity to do things the right way but chose the wrong way, therefore leading to my child being born into dysfunction. I often find myself being caught up in my shortcomings due to the fact I know I’m capable of so much more. I am grateful to have made it out of my teens with no children, but very much so disappointed in the fact I still had my child young. No one can prepare you for motherhood, not even yourself. This is because you are going through something you have never experienced before in your life. In my opinion, no matter how much you read, listen to stories, and even help with small children, motherhood is just one thing you cant prepare for. When I say this I mean, when you go to have your first child there is nothing you can do to truly prepare yourself. You don’t know what to expect because you have never been through it. How can you prepare yourself for pain you never experienced? That’s the most troubling thing about motherhood for me, the pain this beautiful thing brings you. I expected motherhood and pregnancy to have been this beautiful and exciting event. It was the complete opposite of that in my case, so I often find myself looking at my child in a skewed view. I dont hate my child, I don't resent my child, but I do wish I would have waited. Looking back now, I wish I would have followed my spirit. I know matter of fact my life would have been better, which in turn would have made theirs better as well. I find it ironic because you would never know I feel this way due to the fact my child is loved and they exemplify this in every way imaginable. But I often sit and think about the traumatic pregnancy I endured and the struggles we currently face. I can’t go and grind like I used too due to the fact I now have another human being to look after. That’s annoying as hell. Then I have to sit and calculate down to the minute on how many hours I need to work in order to have the basics covered, you can forget about anything “extra”. I hate that I even put myself in this boat, I know it can be made out of but why on earth did I do this in the first place. It was selfish as hell if you ask me, but it is so crazy because my child needs for nothing. They have been covered and taken care of since before they entered this realm. But I am so hard on myself due to the fact I know I am capable of more. So, the feeling of regret, loneliness, and anger are all normal in this journey of motherhood. I just wish I could have done things better, I never wanted my child to have to experience any type of struggle. I never wanted them to experience any kind of pain due to their circumstances, I wanted my children to grow up living a Huxtable type lifestyle. That’s what they deserve and only if I wouldn’t have been so selfish. But I also too have to give myself credit for the fact that my child is loved and very well taken care of. I do my best with what is provided to me. I just know I could be so much more and do way better than what I am currently doing. I said all this to say the emotional rollercoaster you feel with motherhood is normal. The good, the bad and the downright ugly, it’s all normal. Remind yourself you’re doing the best you can and that if you could do more you know you would, but this is all you have for the moment. Be kind to yourself for you are the CEO of a non stop business (your children and household are the business here) and you are a multifaceted woman. Only worry about what you can control and let the rest go. For mothers are phenomenal women who truly aren’t credited enough if you ask me. Love yourself a little extra and be gentle.