I honestly, don't know where to begin...from the locked down or from the beginning of my life?
The chaos in our nation has left many of us feeling down and out. Traveling is out of the question for most and the wearing of masks in public during summer months has us questioning the freedom our country was built on. With the election of 2020 quickly approaching, it seems we are fighting an invisible war of good versus evil. But the reality for most is that the sun is shining, children want to go outside to play, and adults want to enjoy summer vacation doing all the activities summer time brings. Sweltering temperatures are making it difficult to enjoy outdoor activities unless water is involved. So how is everyone coping? Are you taking the chance and traveling to your favorite destinations or are you making the most of it making your home and backyards the focus of enjoyment with family and friends?
I decide to take my field notes and gather my data at a family gathering. For this observation, I was a participant observer, but the participants did not know that they were being observed. I chose to be this kind of observer because I wanted to study how they behaved and socialised in their natural state without them limiting themselves and being aware of their actions and words. I chose to observe my family in this particular situation because I knew that the activities that were going to be done were very cultural. The African culture and traditions are supporters of male dominance, and because of this I wanted to see how the different roles are distributed amongst the men as well as the women and children during the ceremony.
I am currently living out a strange paradox at the moment on our vacation in Eleuthera, Bahamas.
Now its kinda sad when your own mother doesn’t want you in the house anymore. Like shes literally disgusted and annoyed with your very presence. Sad for two reasons. Sad because once again you must think of aplan, find someplace to go soon. And sad because she doesn’t love you anymore. Because of her own personal issues that she is too immature to face. Whether that be jealousy or disappointment or both. Sad. Sucks actually. Most daughters go through the phase of mothers being bitter and angry with them seemingly for no reason, but mostly because they feel less of a woman because of the woman their daughter has become. Now I don't know why my mother find herself torturing me by making me stay under her “supervision” all day and night until it is time for her to go to bed practically. I don't know why she does this. Well i mean, I know why she does it. You know her paranoia and distrust of her new daughter in the house again back to her stealing and smoking and old ways (which im not). But while she’s just annoying the shit out of me and causing my maximum discomfort, she is also torturing the shit out of herself because she has to sit and look in my face all day and subsequentially resent and hate me even more. Now that sounds like a you problem now. She literally muttered something about me being homeless again and called me ugly. I’m sure she was talking about my insides. Because at the end of the miserable fucking day, I am going to love myself , something that you’ve failed to do. At least successfully. I am going to take care of myself in every way I know how and create a good way for me. Which in her eyes is through “sucking and fucking”. Now another thing. My mother claims that she wants me to get a job so very bad and be employed but that is ultimately for what, so that I can save and move out and be independent. Or so that you can have more free time without having to worry about me. I would think so, yet more and more I feel the satisfaction she recieves from my misfortune. SHe doesnt seem upset that I didnt find something yet again, it more seems like shes like ahaha youre not independent, and ya can’t be. I dont know if or why she takes pleasure in that. I was watching the Dr. Phil show the other day with her sorry ass and the problematic teen had a drinking problem and was very disrespectful. Now I feel like she felt like she had so much in common with this family with the amount of muttering and grunting noises that omitted from her body, which i dutifully tried to ignore. Now when it came time to reflect on the parent, Phil asked the mom why was she smirking/smiling when she said that her daughter cannot find a job as if her demise humored her. Now I felt that on a physical, mental and spiritual level. Like what is it that triggers in the brain that releases endorphins when the very child that is strugglling in the real world and that you yourself torment relentlessly,cannot find a job, gain her independence; what the fuck is so great about that. The mother said she didn’t even notice that she smiled.
We arrived at the hospital in Atlanta at 6:00 am on December 20, 1995. The Labor and Delivery Team was prepped and ready for action. My husband and I had the standard "Go Bag" with us, that we'd carefully prepared during the previous month. It had all of the crucial items meant to make our delivery room experience as rel
axing as possible. You know, creature comforts. Soothing music for the delivery room, a camera for catching the highlights (waist up only, cause nobody needs to see that). Snacks to sustain the expectant father while he's trying to play coach and avoid fainting. The hand-picked, "going home" outfit for baby and mama. They were Santa inspired, because Christmas was less than a week away.
When I found out that schools were going to be closed, I was shocked, excited, and concerned. I was shocked because I would never in a million years believed something like this would be happening to me in my lifetime. Excited because I really needed a break from work, trying to juggle the kids to get up in the morning by a certain time and Grad school. I was just exhausted and ready to finally be able to get some sleep. The main thing was feeling like I did not have to be rushed. I can finally take a breather at my own pace. Lastly, I was concerned because I did not know what to expect. Was it deadly? Should I be concerned for my kids? Where did it come from? So, much.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did because I will not let myself as my heart has had so much misery before you came along; now that I’m tough enough to stand my ground no matter how much you try to split me, my soul and my man up. I will not break to satisfy you nor anyone else to get what I want; you fell so hard, scream, shout and everything when you get told “no”. I learned the hard way of working towards something I want in life; if I never let it get this far screaming, demanding and everything else just because everyone would give it to you straight away.
My most powerful and far-reaching memory, my first recalled betrayal, occurred when I was five years old. I was playing at the house of the family across the alley. My older sister played with their daughter, and I played with their son Jay, who was a few years younger than I.