PSA For New Dads On Mummy's Postpartum Depression

If you are reading this and expecting to have or have had a recent addition to your family, congratulations from the bottom of my heart! As a proud Mommy, I understand that the joy is either making your heart explode, or it hasn't registered yet and you are too terrified to hold it, or you're already imagining all the people you're going to have to go to prison for murder for to protect the wee thing as they grow up. It's okay. It's all normal.

No matter how many babies your family has - there are just some things about welcoming a new baby to the family that do not change, no matter what:

The joy. The worry. The fear. The stress. The hormones. The tears. The intense crazy love that appears out of freaking nowhere when looking down at the tiniest humans ever. And don't forget about the almighty PPD - otherwise known as Postpartum Depression.

For you first-timer dads… this is something you'll hear people talk about, but chances are no one will properly explain what the heck it is without you outright asking.

The doctors blaze over it in conversation, and if you attended the hundreds of thousands of prenatal appointments (an exaggeration), you would have mostly heard it mentioned near childbirth (because honestly, at the time they were more concerned with Prenatal Depression while pregnant) or after. People will 'warn' you about it, but not tell you why you should 'beware' PPD.

What kind of ominous crap is that, right? Here's the messed up part: Usually the moms are caught off-guard with it. We don't give birth, develop symptoms, and are like: "Oh! I have postpartum. I need to seek medical help." Nothing endocrinal or female or psychological is ever that simple.

Naturally, it REALLY helps a mom out if her mate notices - and is educated - about things that can be potentially dangerous; like postpartum depression.

So WHAT Is It Postpartum?

So, here's the Mayo Clinic link to what Postpartum is. But I'm going to explain it in a way easier way to understand. Get ready.

You know how during her pregnancy she would cry over commercials of food? Or get SUPER mad over something…really small? Probably her food, maybe? Doesn't have to be food - but it probably is? (YES! I cried over food A LOT when I was pregnant! You don't understand what it's like to be HUNGRY… and so very fucking nauseous… AT THE SAME TIME! Well, maybe you do. But if you do… you know… its terrrrriiiibbblllleeeeeee…..)

Anyway, she would cry. And then you were like: Oh MAN. You're SO emotional/hormonal! (If you said this out loud: I bet you won't say that next pregnancy, will ya?) Well. It doesn't change after childbirth. Two or three days after delivering the treasure of your loins, your mate will begin crying like she's pregnant again.

This should subside within two weeks.

For the most part, it's not as straightforward as that, but after about a fortnight, it should be much better.

But what if it's not better in two weeks? Will she be a catastrophe FOREVER?

No friend. Calm down. It's okay. But, if two weeks have passed, and her bouts of emotional fits haven't faded, it's safe to say she may have more than just the 'baby blues.' And if you notice any EXTREME behavior - things that make you say: "What the fu-?" during these two weeks of baby blue periods, don't wait for the period to be over to seek advice or talk to her. Gently. Nicely. About how you can help her.

Facts: If you leave her unsupported, this could go on for months and even up to two years. Or more. Yeah, she could be a mess forever. But that's why it's such a big deal you know what you are looking for right?

Untreated postpartum depression can last for months or longer, sometimes becoming an ongoing depressive disorder. Mothers may stop breastfeeding, have problems bonding with and caring for their infants, and be at increased risk of suicide - Mayo Clinic

It's extreme depression in some way or another. Some women will constantly be not just sad, but in despair. Do you understand the difference? If you have suffered at all in your life, then you probably do. It's not just the normal crying spell, it's the type of depression that makes her crumble into a ball and say things like she's not a good mother, or she's useless, or her baby or you would be better off without her. It's the scary kind of sad. The kind of sad that affects you, not aggravates you, as her partner.

Some women may even physically reject their children, refuse to feed or hold them, and cry when they look at them. Oh, also Dad, if this is happening, you must call in reinforcements, supportive ones, and encourage her to seek help immediately! This form of Postpartum can be extremely dangerous for both mother and child.

Sometimes it can come as a sudden shift in appetite, which can be bad, especially if Mama is breastfeeding (the four things that make a mama's milk dry: insufficient hydration/nutrition, illness, and stress, and sleep!) After giving birth, Mama does need plenty of rest. Healing, producing nutrition for the child, and the actual child-rearing is stressful and exhausting and also she's going to bleed for two weeks if it was natural - It's NOT easy. But if she's sleeping too much, or not sleeping at all, there is reason to be concerned.

Anxiety is also a part of postpartum. If your woman went from chill to prepper in a two-week span after the baby is born, make note of it. It could be more than just new-mom jitters.

Then there's the more severe form - Postpartum Psychosis.

Isn't that a fun-sounding diagnosis? That's what the I, the author of varying degrees of insanity, experienced.

I had separation anxiety so bad that I couldn't sleep for three days, and I was forced to stay an extra day at the hospital because I was hallucinating. That started the day my eldest was born. I had to take her to work with me and arrange with my boss this condition because I could not be away from her without a complete emotional breakdown (to be fair before you judge me - it was for the best, I started working two weeks after she was born. No maternity leave for this one!).

I would have nightmares my baby would be gone, or died. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming (IF I fell asleep). Every time she sighed or shifted, I woke up. I was hallucinating from lack of sleep and was a nutcase for the first few months.

Yeah - it was a bit much even for my crazy ass. So I did seek help. They put me on medicine, and into counseling/therapy. It helped. Oh, and those vitamins I mentioned earlier (Vitamin B man... who knew it was so vital to sanity?)

Either way, whether it's Postpartum Depression or Postpartum Psychosis, it can be dangerous to the mother and infant.

I am not trying to scare you - but PPD and PPP have made women snap and drown all four of their children in the bathtub, one right after another. It's driven women to kill themselves. So, if her 'stupid hormones' are intense after the baby is born (or even before the baby is born - prenatal psychosis and depression also exist), it could be much more than just… her being hormonal and unreasonable.

Oh hey, Dad, did you know that YOU could also get postpartum? Isn't that fun?

Yep - Get a load of this, fellas.

Fathers who are young, have a history of depression, experience relationship problems or are struggling financially are most at risk of postpartum depression. Postpartum depression in fathers - sometimes called paternal postpartum depression - can have the same negative effect on partner relationships and child development as postpartum depression in mothers can.

Luckily you have been forwarned, so now if you start feeling those things more intensely you can seek help. Just because you are a dude, doesn't mean you are impervious.

It's okay if you're tired and stressed my friend - having a family can be that way, right? Get help. Don't pride or tough it out. If women are allowed to get help for their baby blues, so can you, Dad. You are just as important to the baby as Mom is. For ANY problems you might have, emotionally, mentally, or physically - you deserve help. All you gotta do is ask for it. And it may seem hard, but you deserve to be happy during this time too.

Do you understand? 'Nuff said, yeah? Good. Glad we cleared that up. Take care of yourself, because that baby's mama needs you, my friend.

So How Can You Help? What Can YOU Do?

Well, even if you and Mama aren't together, minimizing stress is the biggest step you can take, other than being supportive, loving, and encouraging her to seek treatment for it. There are things you can do to alleviate the stress on you and Mama, AND the baby.

People with depression may not recognize or admit that they're depressed. They may not be aware of signs and symptoms of depression. If you suspect that a friend or loved one has postpartum depression or is developing postpartum psychosis, help them seek medical attention immediately. Don't wait and hope for improvement. - Mayo Clinic

So first of all- don't start the conversation with: YOU NEED HELP! Take my advice, Sir, that won't go well, and not because you're not good at words but… from personal experience those words may awaken the hormonal dragon within your mate.

Follow these instructions:

Ask her how you can help.

It seems simple, right? Maybe not though, friend. She may not know what can make her feel better. Have a conversation where you do a genuine check-in, and encourage her to tell you how she's REALLY doing - and make sure you emphasize it's not just physically you're talking about. Make her think about it, a little.

Sometimes, a conversation with a partner or trusted person helps make someone realize they aren't in a good place, and they may seek help on their own. Either way, even if she doesn't know, or doesn't quite want to seek help yet, having a conversation about where she's at will help you cater to her specific needs that can help, or at least give you an idea. Not just for her sake, but for yours and the teeny tiny human you helped make.

Call Reinforcements.

Surround yourself with supportive, loving people. Not people who stress you out. People you trust. People who love you and your mate and your baby. This may be introducing people to the wee one sooner than you wanted - but do not let 'perfect parenting schedules' prevent you from calling someone who can help.

Help with what you ask?

Help with the house. Help by cooking. And if Mama Bear is okay with it, help by being there to keep an eye on the baby while you and Mama take much-deserved showers and naps and maybe have some cuddle time (if cuddling is your love language). Take some alone time where you guys can talk about important things or maybe just have fun.

Call her best friends and have them come over with naughty stuff to eat and let her have a break feeling like her old self, if she's feeling up to it.

Encourage her to seek help.

Medical Providers take postpartum anything very seriously. At least, they should. And if yours doesn't, it's time for a new provider.

When a woman who has just given birth talks to her medical providers about depression and anxiety, they will run blood tests, as well as immediately refer her to someone who can help her. They may even prescribe a low dose of antidepressants (no, she won't necessarily have to be on them forever - unless she needs to, which is a conversation between her and her doctor).

Fun fact too, with a little sunbeam of hope: her wacky moods could be a vitamin deficiency. Lack of iron, Vitamin D, and B can cause literal psychosis. So after a prescription of vitamins, or a quick IV bag, she could feel better. My fingers are crossed!

Other than that friend, you can't force the issue. Just love her through it the best you can. Be patient. Be supportive. And try not to take anything to heart.

Good luck, and once again congratulations! I promise the storm of creating a baby and bringing it into the world WILL pass. ❤ Enjoy this time while they are small - because your learning journey has only just begun.

And it's the most wild, beautiful, emotional journey you're ever going to take.

-Originally published on Medium.com