My Parents Have One Son to Be Proud Of, and It's Not Me

At this point, I have written many times about how I have screwed up my life over and over, and how I am still now at a point of desperation and trying to climb up hill battles to fix myself and my life. Well, I have an older brother who, of course, has made his fair share of mistakes as well. However, unlike me, he generally does everything he is meant to do and then goes beyond that a little further.

Truth and Reality

Don't get me wrong, I have zero animosity toward my brother. In fact, he is probably my favorite person in the world and has also bailed me out of my mistakes several times. I hold no ill will or resentment toward him at all. I just see the situation for what it is. I am 46 back living with my parents again trying to fix things, and he is living with his long-term girlfriend (wife basically) running the IT company that he created years ago. I am on my 20th time or more living with my parents, and he moved back in with my parents (and me) for about a month when he got a divorce years ago... and hasn't needed their help in any way since. He got out of the Army as an E-6 and I got myself out of basic training (the end too) because my mind went haywire on me and I broke down in what I now realize was a hallucination of my grandfather telling me I was going to die if I stayed in.

As the title says, my parents have one son they can be proud of...and it's not me. I've always known that. Even as a little kid I knew that. My brother got pretty good grades in school and I struggled through every class except for English and Literature; especially math. No...seriously... I went into high school still not knowing my multiplication tables.

Recent Forgiveness...but Only Slightly

The only light in all this, if you can call it that, is that I recently realized and found out that I have severe adult ADHD. After further research, I now realize that this is the cause of a lot of my troubles, struggles, behaviors and even failures. The dark? I have landed myself still in a situation that I can't even afford to get medication for it. I talked about that a more in my last post here titled, "Sometimes I Daydream That I Could Stop Daydreaming" if you want to go there and give it a read. It's worth it, I promise.

Don't get it twisted, its' not an excuse, it's just stating a fact. This is the reality and a big part of the cause. The effect is my biggest problem. I'm working on it though as best I can.

Adults Seek Their Parents' Pride Too

Admittedly, it's not just fixing myself and fixing my life that I am so frantically trying to achieve. Even at my age, I strongly want my parents and my brother to be proud of me. I have amazing parents and they will tell me at times that they are proud of the kind of man I am. They are proud that I didn't get someone pregnant at an early age, that I obey the law, that I am kind to people whenever possible, and other aspects similiar to that. Of course, that's great to hear and it is a type of pride. However, I can also tell that they have had to dig and search for things to say they are proud of me for.

In truth, they haven't been proud of an accomplishment or life advancement with me since I graduated with my GED. I graduated in 1997. Yeah... that was 29 years ago. Of course, even that was after fighting for me to drop out of high school and then learning that over 90% of high school graduates can't pass the GED tests. I took the placement tests for my GED classes the day after dropping out of my second week of high school. I scored 12th grade level on everything but math. I was even told that the only reason I scored 12th grade level on English and Reading Comprehension was because the scores didn't go any higher... otherwise it would have been in the college levels. That was a moment a pride. Probably the last time I was truly proud of myself, really.

Right now, it's all bad. Right now, I can't afford what I need. Soon though... soon I will make it all better; somehow.