My Fatherless Daughter is Turning Two

It's July 2023 and my daughter is turning two. We lost her Daddy October 31, 2022 to an accidental overdose mixing alcohol and medication. While unintentional, I am still left without my husband and my daughter without her father here with her. This beautiful young girl has so much of him in her. Her expressions, mannerisms, and personality all resemble him. I am tremendously grateful for that because he was an amazing human being. She will grow up to be an incredibly strong woman and I believe that with every ounce of my soul. However, tomorrow, I have to figure out how to emotionally manage the celebration of my daughter's second birthday without him.

My husband and I tried for quite some time to conceive our little bundle of love. He knew deep down from the very beginning that the baby was a girl. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but really wanted a girl. I have two sons from a previous marriage, and it was time to give them a little sister. Well, my dear sweet husband was right! We found out at 9 weeks; she was a baby girl! Oh the delight we held in our hearts and outpouring expression of excitement was vomit-worthy to some. Ha-ha

The pregnancy wasn't easy, but she arrived a whopping 6lbs 4oz. A tiny little bean compared to my two almost 10 pounders prior to her. An absolute doll she was and still is. She has been doted upon from the moment she came into this world. Well, if I am completely honest, the doting began well before she was born or even conceived for that matter.

The past several months have been navigating how to live this life as a solo parent, making sure, if at all possible, Daddy stays alive in our daughter's memory, and taking it step by step. That doesn't always mean forward either. It just is. When in severe grief you live in survival mode for such a long time. Sometimes and entire day or week go by and I cannot even remember what I've done. I've gotten the children into some activities to force myself out of the house and provide them a quality childhood.

My daughter started gymnastics a couple of weeks ago and the excitement we all had was adorable. My fourteen-year-old son just about melted through the floor when he saw her in her leotard. He said, "Why is she so cute? I think she is the cutest thing I have ever seen." This phrase is very common in our household. Sure, we are biased, but I don't care. Say what you want, she is the frigging cutest.

When she was in the womb, she was quite the gymnast and we always said we couldn't wait until we got to see her in action. I'm grateful to still be here and watching her live this beautiful life. Her father is always in our heart but knowing that she will not have her Daddy for a 'father-daughter dance' or at celebrations breaks my heart. I never took into consideration how hard it must be for children watching TV shows or listening to music that include mommies and daddies. While at this point, she is unphased, I know these things will affect her in the future.

Every day that passes I think about her future and the experiences she will face, the questions that she will be asked, the crafts at school, etc. My mind doesn't stop. I am hopeful that while my mind races now, it will have tuckered out some by the time she reaches school-age. Maybe by then I will have some wisdom for her, because right now I am just winging it. This birthday is of no grand gesture as her first was. I simply can't do it. It is incredibly difficult to celebrate without him. She was "Da-da's little sprinkle" on her birthday, his "little princess, beautiful as could be, just like her mama." It is still excruciating. It is still hard to manage the day-to-day, but I find ways to push through.

My daughter is full of snuggles, smiles, and the sweetest personality. She is also very stubborn and sassy... just like her Dad. I have learned just how much is passed along genetically through this journey. I always thought children picked things up as they were raised, but there is a tremendous amount that simply is in their genetic make-up. I am immensely grateful for that. He left behind the most beautiful gift, and I am truly trying my damnedest to keep my head up for her. The emotions that have boiled to the surface over the past couple of weeks have been debilitating.

Tomorrow, my sweet daughter will be two. Her first birthday without her daddy and a crushing day in my heart. How is it possible that we are celebrating this beautiful, strong little girl without him? I can only hope and strive to be everything I can for her. I'll never be able to fill the gaps that are there, but I can do my best. It's what I am doing now. It's all I can do. So, we will go to the lake, we will have cupcakes and sing happy birthday. My fatherless daughter will be two. Happy Birthday Baby Girl.

Mommy loves you, and Daddy love you too.

You're such a silly girl in a big, big world.

Strong and mighty there you are.

Shining bright like a great big star.

Mommy loves you, yes, I do,

and Daddy love you too.