Ms. Inexpressible

I realized that my whole life I received love based on my achievements and how much I behaved like a good girl. Only my mother had been like this to me not my father. My father had helped me get through my academic pressure even though it was just by providing me a cup of tea to my study table. My mother has also helped me get through that phase but only when I’d listen to her like a good girl and do her work. She had never tried to understand me but had always expected to me to understand her. It came to a point that I can no longer express any of my emotions nor I can say what’s really inside my heart. Whenever I had given a silent treatment to her, she had always started shouting at me for being a rude arrogant brat. And at the end I end up crying in the bathroom or on the bed at night. Or I sometimes write them down. What am I supposed to do? To whom I open up my heart? Neither do I have a friend. She has had never objected like this to any other of her child…. then why only me? She had always allowed them to let out their emotions whether her child is shouting at her or giving her a silent treatment. Then why only me? I don’t want to be a good girl. I realized that it was my fault from the starting for not being able to express myself thinking that I had hurt other feelings. I have always kept the things to myself that hurted me because I was afraid of ruining someone’s day or making them feel bad about my feelings. And now I cannot express myself to anyone. I feel tired of explaining my feeling to anyone, that I prefer to stay silent and keep those feelings between the pages of my journal. I wondered would you listen to me if I tried to explain you about my problems? Even if out of empathy, would you listen to me once? Would you change yourself for me out of empathy? I wondered.

No matter how much hard I try to change them, they keep coming back to their true self while I was made hide my true self. It feels so bad. It hurts so bad in my heart deep down, that the ones who are supposed to love me for being myself are the ones hurting me.

I don't know who is bad? Is it me, because I keep trying to change them for who they are? Or is it they for trying to make me hide my true self?

Every day I woke up with a hope that today I might have a chance of letting all my thoughts out, but instead those days got wasted. And even if a chance would come to me to let me stand for myself, guilt would never leave me alone. The guilt of making others feel bad for trying to make myself h appy. It felt like I was trying to make myself feel happy by taking their own happiness. It felt wrong........but for some reasons it made my heart felt at ease. Every time I tried to speak, I felt like there was a wall between me and them. No matter how loud I tried shout my words, they always seemed unreachable to them. There were times when I felt like I'm not one of them. I don't belong here. Because my words, my feelings and my thinking were so far different from them, that it made me seem like an outcasted person. Sometimes I hate living here. I want to escape, but I'm afraid. Again, afraid of hurting them. Afraid that unknowingly I might hurt them, and I might become one of the reasons for their tears. And with thinking that I would pull up my sheets and stare at the ceiling, wondering how they would manage to be show their emotions without worrying about anyone.