Man's Childhood Mom Fails to Life Up to Expectations of Current Wife

Local man Todd Steven’s wife Mary was reportedly very disappointed this week when she learned that the childhood mother of her husband of six years was not the do it all dynamo she had pictured in her head, but rather a slovenly, lazy, do nothing, alcoholic, who mostly sat at home and smoked cigarettes when she wasn’t busy bedding at least half the married men in the small town where he grew up.

“I was constantly berating Todd about all the things I do around the house (which he does not) which mostly involve picking up after him, cleaning his things, making sure we have food to eat, etc. by telling him I was not his mother, but I never realized his childhood mother never did any of those things for him either”, she said upon making the discovery. She continued, “In fact, apparently his mom made him pick up after himself and all of his six brothers and sisters as well as clean every room in the house each weekend, because she was too hungover from Friday nights carousing to even get out of bed. And as far as food goes, Todd was basically on his own. Sometimes she would bring home leftover chicken fingers from the bar, but beyond that it was every Stevens for himseslf or herself.” Despite learning the truth Mary had no plans to change her approach in getting Todd to pitch in more around the house.

“Listen, just because Todd’s mom spent more time on her back pleasuring the neighbor’s cheating husband then she did on her feet cleaning up after Todd doesn’t mean he gets a free pass when it comes to housework. I intend to continue the time tested, and proven successful method of comparing myself to a non-existent fantasy woman from my husbands childhood, and will continue to remind him that I am not her until he changes his ways.” Todd Stephens could not be reached for comment on this article as he was still asleep in his Lazy Boy recliner as of press time.

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Author's postscript: Happy Mother's day Mom DeMarco and to all you mom's out there. Most especially this year I would like to say happy mothers day to the moms of the editorial staff at Vocal without whom we would not have the brilliant men and women who together devised the most awesome idea ever in the history of web based internet publishing, the six hundred word count minimum. Yes, this mothers day you can be proud that the fruit of your loins was part of the brain trust that thought it was a good idea to force writers to append ridiculous postscripts on to previously completed and perfectly excellent stories that happen to be less than six hundred words just so those stories could meet the totally arbitrary six hundred word count minimum guideline. Why could they not have made it five hundred words mom? Maybe you should have asked them that when they were children. Before they had broken you and your fathers hearts and decided that they did not want to be doctors like their brother and sisters, but instead wanted to pursue a career in internet publishing. Seriously? They betrayed you mom. And they betrayed dad. You payed for their schooling, you wiped the snot from their noses, you gave them their first car, and this is how they repay you. If I were you I would be pissed. Like, big time pissed. Oh well, it could be worse. They could have become politicians I guess. Or worked at Burger King or something.