Lemonade

It's been a couple months now but I feel like if I don't start writing about it I will start to lose important feelings about it. Not that I expect dozens of people to read this, let alone one, but I do need to write this down for me. For the days that I feel like I somehow are at fault for this or that I didn't try hard enough when I know I did all that I could. But, it's also for the person who may need my advice one day or maybe just the encouragement of knowing the fact that they aren't alone.

I was cheated on by my husband. It's always tough admitting that. Partly because I feel shame but also because it f*cking hurts. Initially, when I found out I wanted to slap him awake (it was at night and he was asleep) or leave him in the night, take my son, and have him wake up alone. So many things were going through my mind and a wave of emotions swept through me. I cried in the bathroom while on the phone to my cousin for a good hour. The brokenness I felt was like any other. Thinking about our wedding, our vows, what I thought meant a lot to him, clearly didn't. Then thinking about our son, above it all. Screw me at this point, I thought "Did he even think about our son? At all? This family?" I don't know.

As for the other girl, I appreciate her. Unlike Becky with the good hair, she had no issue telling me every single detail I asked for or needed to know. She equally shared suspicions about him since he claimed to be divorced already. Based on my husband's track record and the text messages I read on his phone, it was clear he spent a lot of time trying to convince her of his intentions and I believed everything she had to tell. So to be able to give each other the truth that we both felt was there; and what he was not willing to give us, was the absolute blessing in disguise.

When it came down to confront him about it the following morning, he just denied denied denied, to the very end. He did what many men do and tried to make me feel like I was crazy. He tried to blow it off and say that I probably saw the name of a girl appear on his phone and immediately assumed something. I told him over and over again that I knew everything there was to know and to stop playing dumb and he still denied it. He kept asking me "What's everything?" and saying "I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me what's everything." In that moment I kinda wanted to laugh because I could not believe he was trying to take this to the grave and partly because I was so pissed off that I could laugh about it. But instead, I cut the convo and told him we would need to talk at a later time and not in front of our son, because I refused to let him witness essentially our life unravel. I was picturing it as a movie POV when the toddler is just standing there witnessing his parents argue. I couldn't do that to him.

As luck would have it, we had a busy schedule that day that we could not have the conversation until later that night. So I went about my day, with a smile on my face and distracted myself for the day. That night we went for a drive and just parked in a Target parking lot. At that point the half hearted apology and the excuses came out. I say half hearted because I don't really remember the apology other than it being short and there was more of the "why he did it". But at that point I was numb. I didn't care about the why no matter how hard our marriage had taken a toll since the pandemic or what he said I did or did not do. I just sat there and felt nothing. I hadn't cried since the night before in the bathroom. I felt empty and had no emotion for him, I just wanted space. At that point I asked to be seperated and wanted to be away from him. I needed time to process what had happened the night before and every other stab in the back that I had gotten from this man that I kept choosing to put my trust in.

I luckily had/have my parents house as a safe haven that I did not have to stress where I was going nor did I have the financial stress about leaving a home because we were in between looking for an apartment. So it was nice that I could come to my childhood home and feel comfort, even if no one knew quiet what was happening in my life.

Then after a couple days, I knew what I wanted to do. So I guess chapter 2?