Giving up on my father

I was born into a burning house. It doesn’t surprise me that I think the world is burning. My biological father was violent towards others. All the pieces of him and the pieces of me. I’m so scared He is who I’ll be. When I get mad just like he does. They look at me like I looked at him. For all of the flaws that my biological mom gave me I am my father’s daughter. Whenever a man yells I am taken back to a baby.

I look at my biological parents and I know that I never want to be like them. I’m so terrified of becoming like them that I sometimes act like I already am instead of fighting. I goy my biological mother’s depression and my biological father’s anger. it can be a deadly combo. I do not know what is worse anger or depression. It still feels like a fire is inside my house and I can not do anything to stop it. I didn’t even know I had the choice of not being that person. I didn’t grow up with them but they are somehow inside me nothing can change that.

I see fathers with their baby girls and wonder what I did to deserve it. How can someone hurt a little kid? Now I’m terrified that everyone is going to leave me. Now I hate having my father’s eyes. I can run but I can not hide from them. Now I only talk about him to my therapist. When people ask I don’t tell them that he’s dead anymore so I guess it’s getting better I do not know what is worse.

I do not know what I would say if I saw them. The only things they gave me were my mental illness and my abandonment issues. I am angry like him I can hold a grudge like it’s a hand. The anger lingers, I do not know how else to explain it. Months can go by and it will hit me out of what seems to be nowhere. The only thing that was told to me was that he was an angry man and he needed help. “we should keep him in our thoughts That kind of anger just doesn’t go away like normal people.” Who says that to a child? Years later I have that same rage built in me. I used to have all of these ideas as to why he was so mad. “ no one loved him as a child” Well I was loved as a child and I’m just like him. It was hard growing up. finding out I had two full siblings was something I would have never thought I’d have to deal with. I went from thinking I was an only child for over 18 years and all of a sudden I was the eldest sibling in a matter of 4 minutes was something extremely odd.

All three of us went through something awful at the hands of our biological father. It definitely feels like we are bonded through that. All of us have different feelings about him and that’s okay. It feels strange to be haunted by someone who is living. I wish there was a better story than he abandoned all of his children but there isn’t. Having three kids in three years must have been hard but that’s what birth control is for. I am not sure if all three of us were better off without them or not. To say that we were abandoned would be very unjust but we were.