From hiding to affirmation

Picture this, you are growing up in south west Sydney were being different is not only frowned upon but also were it is an excuse to become a victim to crime and various assaults. Now picture this young teenager is walking through a park in Liverpool listening to his music, Eminem playing through his headphones. On his face are tears running down past his black eye which was given to him a few hours prior by his father, this was done as a way to "make a man out of him". However this teenager has an issue he has known since he was 5 years old that he should not have been born a male. This is an issue issue that plays with his mind every second of the day. Constant thoughts in his mind are "why am I a female, I was born male surely this can’t be right”, “why am I not attracted to males if I am really a female I must like men right”, “how do I tell mum and dad".

School for this teenager was particularly difficult. Primary school started off ok until one day in kindergarten the teacher got everyone in the class to sit in a circle. Boys on one side, girls on the other and they got asked "what do you want to be when you grow up", The boys all had suggestions such as policeman, fireman, doctor emphasizing strongly on the word man and all of the girls got told suggestions like nurse, cleaner, etc. All off his classmates all said careers that aligned with their gender until he got asked and he said " I want to be a girl and I want to be a mummy" to which a shocked teacher did not say much but did contact his parents. That night his dad "beat him straight". The rest of primary school was spent conforming as he was scared of another beating.

In year 7&8 he was being forced to conform and got continually pressured by his father into masculine sports whilst being ridiculed and told "I can do better" by his family. In year 8 on his 13th birthday he woke up listening to his parents fighting, this was a normal occurrence however when he saw his mum walking up the driveway carrying a suitcase, he wanted to stop her but got told if he took another step that he will be hurt. The other bad thing that was setting in was puberty... When he looked at girls in his school who were developing he would look at his chest and scream in his head "why aren’t I developing", and he would also hate the way he was growing hair.

In year 9 feeling pressured beyond belief with having to live as the wrong gender and having to do masculine activities he would start cutting himself as a way to cope. This was almost a daily activity until he got invited to the south coast of nsw by his aunty. Whilst on this vacation, he, his aunty, and his two cousin’s went to a beach. He took off his shirt to go swimming completely unaware that his bruises on his back will be shown, and the only board shorts that he packed were so short that a few of his fresh cuts were visible. After his swim his aunty asked his two cousins to go get some food. When it was just him and his aunty she asked him to sit next to her and talk, She offered her hand to hold and said " Its ok you can trust me, please open up I’m worried" to which he started crying and said "aunty I want to kill myself, I can’t live as a male anymore, I am a female". Not expecting a good reaction, he was shocked when his aunty said “ok, this afternoon I am buying you your first dress niece, if you like" and told him that when he was with her, she would help him dress and act more feminine. Naturally he wanted to live with her all of the time.

When he had to go back to Liverpool he felt like the most important thing had been taken from him. When year 10 started it was the hardest year of his life. Having a typical amount of testoreone flowing through his 15 year old body was normal for most boys but not for him, by this point he was crossdressing and would only have a smile on his face when he was wearing feminine clothing. He started working at McDonald’s after school and on the weekend, but after his school certificate his dad became very pushy about him being more masculine, so he buckles under pressure and starts working as an apprentice diesel mechanic.

Not much happened until this teenager was 19 years old. Still living at home with his dad and still working as a mechanic he finally hits breaking point. He had just finished working a 12 hour shift when he goes to the car park and unlocks his wrx, all off the time thinking "you will never be a female" and "you are useless". So he starts the 30 minute commute home when he sees an entry for the m7 motorway and thinks "fuck this I am killing myself". He turns on the m7 and throws his seat belt off him and starts accelerating quite harshly, 10 seconds later his speedo is still climbing 150,160 he starts aiming for a pole but something stops him. Quite confused with why he did not kill himself he continues home but once he arrived home he noticed that his dad was already quite drunk.

He said to himself today is the day I come out. He opened the door and went straight to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of v and said "Dad we need to talk, let me get you a beer" his dad confused asks "did you get a girl pregnant” “no dad I am transgender I’m a girl". Well his dad simply said "Leave get the fuck out of my house". A few weeks later he goes back to talk it out with him and ends up in hospital with broken bones.

After this he was very hesitant to open up to anyone but by the age of 24 he decides to open up to his social worker that he is transgender. This person helps him get the ball rolling and know she is finally happy. Another year goes by and she now has access to hormones. She starts medically transitioning 3 months before her 25th birthday. She also starts seeing a new social worker, this person saves her life in more than ways than one.

At the age of 25 she attends her first mardi gras and also does her first drama production "cosi fan tute". She also starts living in more stable accommodation. She is finally piecing her life back together to the way it should have been and starts saving for surgery.

So what do I want you to take from this? Take what you want, but if someone is different do not judge them. Everyone is a human being and an individual. And well how do I know this story so well? This person is me, surprised? Don’t be.