Dear Mother

Mother.

According to 'The Free Dictionary by Farlax,' a mother is a woman who gives birth to a child, a woman who raises a child, and a female parent of an animal; just to name a few. In our case, all 3 are true! You birthed me and raised me. I was your child, although at times, I may have seemed to be more of an animal!

I know that I was not an easy child, but to be fair, you were not an easy mother. Still, that did not stop me from admiring you and doing my best to do right by you; most of the time! I never wanted to make anything harder. I hated when you hurt, because when you hurt, I knew that things were only going to be that much worse.

I may not have been your perfect child, or the child that you wanted; but I was a child. I was a very curious and inquisitive child and I know that that used to drive you nuts. I was a creative, broken and lonely child that just wanted to love and be loved.

I was not a bad child. I did act out, but that's normal for a child to do when there is a need within them that is not completed. For that, I apologize. I just wanted to know that mom still saw me and still loved me.

My teenage and high school years were the worst, by far! Moving to a new school, my freshman year and having to start all over when I was doing so well and so much already! I was the 1st Freshman J.R.O.T.C. member of the Color Guard that had the honor of leading our school's homecoming parade. I wish you had been there; you would have been proud. I was a real leader. I tried bringing the same energy with me to the new school, but it was the 1st time that my brain and authentic nerdiness came in 3rd behind wealth and athleticism. It wasn't the same.

Nothing was the same and things were beginning to change. I wanted to talk to you about them, but your days off were just that! You'd have rather not been bothered with it, plus I knew a lot of it would have upset you.

How would I have even approached it? "Hey mom, I know I am barely 16, but you're going to be a grandma again!" Or, "I know I have a kid on the way, but upon his creation, I know for a fact that I am NOT into girls like that." "I'd much rather just be one, I pretty much already am."

Yeah no!

Instead, you had to find out in a much less desirable way. I still have not been able to get over that. Your reaction was the 2nd most terrifying experience I have ever experienced, and I have had a loaded gun held to my head and that didn't even make the list! That changed me.

Everything that followed over the course of the next 10 years was pure rebellion! My own need to feel relevant and valued, even if it were for all the wrong reasons. Until I became aware to the error of my recklessness and realized that I was still that same lonely, broken child at 28; desperately seeking to feel the validation of a mother's love. That was the 1st time I ever came to you and whole-heartedly asked for your forgiveness and help. The 1st time I readily admitted that I had a problem and expressed any desire to change!

But I was again denied. You had just gotten my little brother out of the house and was enjoying the time and space. I get it, I'm not mad about it. I did cry, it hurt like hell, but I said that I would be fine and do it on my own.

I haven't. If anything, I have made things worse!

And here I am at 36, stuck in the same cycle, because all of this time I had hoped and prayed that you would one day reach out to me, if you cared. An intervention or even just an invitation, initiated by you, because you wanted. Every time I have changed my number, I always found a reason to make you aware of it and then, I waited! Waited and was still waiting...

And my phone still hasn’t rung! Just know that I will always love you and will be here waiting!

Love, Me.