Circle of Life
Underneath the Stars
Sometimes it seems like life is all wrong. Good deeds turn to crap and any shred of kindness displayed gets trampled into a wad of weakness...your own. It's enough to jade you, I swear~!
And the worst is, it's usually the people you love the most that take the best you have to offer brutally for granted.
I wonder, "Did I not raise my children with morals?" "Did I spoil them too much?" "Were my expectations too high?" or worse yet, "Were my expectations too low?"
I don't want accolades or awards or even fresh-baked cookies. I just want respect. I know I'm getting older, but I still have all my facilities and am fully functional. I do demand my dignity to be bestowed, though. I will go down fighting!
Yes, I can be stubborn and I'm not always "right." But decisions are still mine to make. I don't make them lightly or off the cuff. They have each been carefully weighed out and measured.
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Adult children, this is a circle of life conundrum. Elderly want your input in situations...but not because the questions posed are too difficult, but oftentimes to be used as an assessment tool. We want to know just how ready "you" are to tackle what life throws out and if "you" can rise to the occasion.
While you are busy trying to forgive our many failures and weaknesses as a parent, making pacts that you won't ever do "that" to your own, vowing to be "better," well, we are just as busy praying that you will do (and be) just that!
We know we haven't been perfect, and our flaws shine just as brightly as the North Star. Most of us carry an insurmountable amount of grief and guilt because of our inadequacies. But "you" are wasting precious time on things that you cannot change. Forgive us and move on. If you don't, then patterns will be generationally repeated.
How do we know? Think about it. We had parents, too. And grievances.
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I haven't given up hope that my children will walk righteously in this world. As long as there are stars in the skies, I will love them unconditionally and believe fully in them.
I am standing my ground and have clear-cut boundaries and maybe that will be a star for them to follow, too...one day.
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I write this personal "rant" and expose some truths about aging that aren't always verbalized. Family dynamics can get tricky, but it is my guess that I am not the only elderly in the bunch that has felt these emotions as we might experience on that journey.
I look back on the relationship that I had with my own mother and see the pattern all too clearly. I feel shame that I couldn't see my (sometimes callous) behavior as she aged.
Our relationship hadn't ever been a walk in the park, and I marched in to make decisions for her with little regard to her psyche when her physical abilities incapacitated her. Sure, I did some good along the way and "took" care of her.
We had opportunities to mend our ambivalence towards one another. For that, I am grateful. I wish I could have done it with more patience and grace, though. We had our moments I still treasure, though.
I should have done it sooner rather than later. Forgiveness of those that have hurt you in real ways or perceived ways is a gift you give to yourself. Regret is just another pile up on top of anger and resentment and frustration.
Forgive yourself, too. It's never too late or too dark. Be free of the fear of the night.
About the Creator
Shirley Belk
Mother, Nana, Sister, Cousin, & Aunt who recently retired. RN (Nursing Instructor) who loves to write stories to heal herself and reflect on all the silver linings she has been blessed with
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What is love? Even before a child is born, a mother begins to have a connection with someone she really doesn't know. Love begins in her mind, her imaginations, her hopes, her dreams. She forms a picture of what love will look like, who love will look like, how love will act towards her.
By Shirley Belk2 months ago in Families
Comments (7)
This is great advice, Shirley. You're right - we criticise our parents with no real idea, until we are parents ourselves, of the demands of parenthood. Some adults will never forgive their parents their transgressions and may even repeat them themselves without really realising that they are doing it. But we are all human and we are all ruled by emotion, whether rightly or wrongly. My adage - look at what was right, not at what was wrong. It's very easy to pick, not so easy to praise. And don't be too hard on yourself.
Wow 🤩 so well explained and perfectly said
This piece is raw and honest, shedding light on the complex emotions that come with aging. The vulnerability and honesty in this is refreshing providing a real and relatable perspective on the challenges that come with growing older and watching the next generation take the reins.
a wonderful msg, forgiveness is a blessing
"Forgive us and move on." I'm sorry for this Shirley, I'm not saying this to offend you but to be honest with you. I don't think I can do that, to forgive my parents and move on. In fact, I don't think I want to. I'm on good terms with them but I still want to hold them accountable for everything that they did. It can be that I'm wasting time over things that had already happened and that I have no control over. It's okay because all parents need to know that it's not okay to do whatever they do to their children. And I'll never give mine the peace of mind that I've forgiven them. I never asked to be here. They consciously brought me into this world to suffer. That's like the worst thing to do to someone.
Well written, Shirley. We all choose our own paths. What is right for me may not be right for the next person. But, the best we can do is be there for our youth. To support them in their path. I have two daughters, not biological. I am their Daddy Rick by proxy, I guess you can say. Both their parents were unfit to raise them so they were sent to their grandmother's home where they were raised by the grandmother and one of their aunts. I was good friends with the family and I made the decision to be there everyday to visit and bring them gifts and spend time with them and take them out to fun places. They needed a father figure and I was there for them. They are now both grown up. One of them works with HBO and is very successful at the age of 28. The other one at age 24 is still finding her way. I am still there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen. I am not there to judge or to try and change who they are. But I am there to support. I feel that is my role as an elder to my younger ones. Sorry for such a long rant. But after reading your piece I felt inspired to share.
Forgiving our selves is the hardest task of all. This is well written and deeply felt Shirley. I’m sure that I am not the only elderly person who relates to it. In Genesis, Jacob deceived Isaac, then Judah deceived Judah, and finally Tamar deceived Judah. From generation to generation the same pattern and even similar means. It’s all seems rather bleak, the past repeating itself over and over again. I am almost 68 years old and only in the past seven or eight years have felt like I’m finally wise enough to be a father. At age 24, when our first child was born, I was still a child in so many ways. Those were our crisis years and now our children struggle through their own. I can only hope that legacy ends with their own children rather than dragging on and on.