Circle of Life

Sometimes it seems like life is all wrong. Good deeds turn to crap and any shred of kindness displayed gets trampled into a wad of weakness...your own. It's enough to jade you, I swear~!

And the worst is, it's usually the people you love the most that take the best you have to offer brutally for granted.

I wonder, "Did I not raise my children with morals?" "Did I spoil them too much?" "Were my expectations too high?" or worse yet, "Were my expectations too low?"

I don't want accolades or awards or even fresh-baked cookies. I just want respect. I know I'm getting older, but I still have all my facilities and am fully functional. I do demand my dignity to be bestowed, though. I will go down fighting!

Yes, I can be stubborn and I'm not always "right." But decisions are still mine to make. I don't make them lightly or off the cuff. They have each been carefully weighed out and measured.

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Adult children, this is a circle of life conundrum. Elderly want your input in situations...but not because the questions posed are too difficult, but oftentimes to be used as an assessment tool. We want to know just how ready "you" are to tackle what life throws out and if "you" can rise to the occasion.

While you are busy trying to forgive our many failures and weaknesses as a parent, making pacts that you won't ever do "that" to your own, vowing to be "better," well, we are just as busy praying that you will do (and be) just that!

We know we haven't been perfect, and our flaws shine just as brightly as the North Star. Most of us carry an insurmountable amount of grief and guilt because of our inadequacies. But "you" are wasting precious time on things that you cannot change. Forgive us and move on. If you don't, then patterns will be generationally repeated.

How do we know? Think about it. We had parents, too. And grievances.

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I haven't given up hope that my children will walk righteously in this world. As long as there are stars in the skies, I will love them unconditionally and believe fully in them.

I am standing my ground and have clear-cut boundaries and maybe that will be a star for them to follow, too...one day.

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I write this personal "rant" and expose some truths about aging that aren't always verbalized. Family dynamics can get tricky, but it is my guess that I am not the only elderly in the bunch that has felt these emotions as we might experience on that journey.

I look back on the relationship that I had with my own mother and see the pattern all too clearly. I feel shame that I couldn't see my (sometimes callous) behavior as she aged.

Our relationship hadn't ever been a walk in the park, and I marched in to make decisions for her with little regard to her psyche when her physical abilities incapacitated her. Sure, I did some good along the way and "took" care of her.

We had opportunities to mend our ambivalence towards one another. For that, I am grateful. I wish I could have done it with more patience and grace, though. We had our moments I still treasure, though.

I should have done it sooner rather than later. Forgiveness of those that have hurt you in real ways or perceived ways is a gift you give to yourself. Regret is just another pile up on top of anger and resentment and frustration.

Forgive yourself, too. It's never too late or too dark. Be free of the fear of the night.